Elizabeth Bennet, Mr. Darcy get it on

My love for Jane Austen is no secret. I can't count the times I've read Pride and Prejudice (or fthe times I've watched the BBC production with Colin Firth). It's a sickness.

One thing I do know, though: Some elemental part of me cringes when I read about Mr. Darcy "thrusting," unless of course he is thrusting his fist into Mr. Wickham's face.

I had no idea I was such a prude. But if you are not so squeamish, perhaps you will enjoy Pride and Prejudice: The WIld & Wanton Edition (Adams Media, $12.95 in paper). The tease on the back of this book informs us: "Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy Finally Do It!" When I read that, I felt like the kids on Modern Family when they walked in on their parents having sex.

Inside, author Annabella Bloom (a pseudonym of Michelle M. Pillow, author of All Things Romance) adds passages amping up the heat. Some bits are fairly tame: "Mr. Darcy drew his chair a little towards her. She noticed the room getting all the smaller." Others are less innocent: "Part of him hated her for making him feel such longings, but as he thrust [that word again] his hand down into the front of his trousers..." I will spare you the rest of that sentence, lest you swoon in horror.

Naughty little sister Lydia gets it on, too, which frankly is not all that unbelievable, considering how determined she is to make a spectacle of herself (just ask Mr. Bennet if you don't believe me). The new sexy parts are bold-faced in the book, just in case you weren't sure they were new, but trust me. You'll know what Jane wrote and what Jane didn't.

Plenty of people have cashed in on Jane Austen - remember the endless Austen/zombie/monster mash-ups? So the idea of reframing P&P is nothing new. But still, I think I'd rather read about Elizabeth chopping off the heads of the undead than Regency booty calls.

By the way: There's also a Wuthering Heights: Wild & Wanton Edition. Somehow, that freaks me out less.

Comments

[Jen]

This is hilarious, Connie!!!

[Arnie Perlstein]

Connie,

The irony is that sex _is_ there in the subtext of the novel, embedded there purposely by Jane Austen, but the people writing this sort of fanfic don't have any idea that it's there, so they make up sex that isn't there!