Burnettiquette

Why?

I once passed a psych test in college by answering that question with "because." I'm pretty sure that professor is stuffing his pants with old newspaper and sleeping under a bridge these days.

At any rate, my question isn't that deep. I just want to know simple things, like:

• why this young woman in North Carolina thought it would help her anti-animal-dissection cause to legally change her name to Cutout?
• why, with 50 empty tables in the Miami Herald cafeteria - seriously, until about 10 seconds ago I was literally the only person sitting in our dining room - a guy who is a loud eater just walked up and sat at a table about two feet away from me? Of course, as I sit here taking a break from writing an article, I swear it is pure coincidence that Rockwell, singing Somebody's Watchin' Me, just started playing through my earbuds. I am not paranoid. Anyway, I'm pretty sure loud eater-sittin'-too-close-to-me-guy wasn't an executive. If it turns out he was, this time tomorrow you'll find a broken URL where Burnettiquette used to be;>)
• why I have a sneaking suspicion that Osama bin Laden will finally be captured/killed a few days before the presidential election next month?
• speaking of Osama, why I should believe it was an accident last week that an upstate New York county mailed out hundreds of absentee ballots with Barack Obama's last name spelled "Osama?" I've been typing for years, and even on those days when I try typing upside down or with my feet, there has always been at least two keys separating the "s" key and the "b" key. I've never mistaken the two.
• why, speaking of ballots, I think voter registration AND voter prevention fraud will occur at exponentially greater levels than in the past two presidential election cycles? Don't smirk. ACORN, in all its support for Obama, is not alone. Before all is said and done you'll have heard about just as much vote-related fraud that benefits McCain too.
• why I'm resigned to the notion that regardless of who moves into the White House next January, this economy is gonna have us all pole dancin' for a buck or selling apples and homemade sugar water on the side of the road to keep the bills paid?
• why one of my close buddies - a longtime Republican, ever a friendly thorn in my side over my Independent status - got annoyed with me earlier today for not agreeing with him that a majority of black voters are supporting Obama because he's black? On the contrary, going back to the late 1950s voting records show that a majority of blacks have voted for the Democratic candidate for president. And until this year, that candidate has always been white. That majority has increased over the past five election cycles to a level consistently in the 90% range. Multiple polls show that this year more than 95% of black voters surveyed say they plan to vote for Obama. Now, since an average of 90% of black voters tend to vote for the Democratic candidate, period, the math and the science suggest that fewer than 10% of blacks who plan to vote for Obama are doing so because of his skin color. Now, in normal-speak: what's so shocking about the idea that people who mostly vote for Democrats in other years are doing so this year too? And why did my buddy get upset when I told him these discussions are growing tired since there's no scientifically measurable point of comparison for the Republican Party, since the GOP has never had a non-white presidential candidate (no, I'm not counting the primary contests - I'm talking final candidates).
• why another buddy, James T. Harris, a futurist, marketing guru, and black conservative talk radio host in Milwaukee, Wis., has been flooded with hate mail and even life-threatening mail since attending a McCain rally last week and begging McCain to attack Obama harder? I don't see eye-to-eye with J.T. on everything, just as I don't see eye-to-eye with my consistently liberal friends on everything. Regardless, just because J.T. hasn't gone the way of the majority of people who look him doesn't mean he deserves hate mail and death threats. On the contrary, he deserves props for sticking to his guns, even when he knows his will be an unpopular decision in some quarters. He's got principles. You may not like his principles, but by practical definition, he's got 'em. That anyone thinks its cool to threaten the man's life and call him vile names 'cause he doesn't like Obama doesn't say a lot about their character.
• why Dave Barry still hasn't chosen me for his running mate, and why more of you aren't planning on writing us in on your ballots?

Weekend Jibber Jabber about the Presidential Race

What's crackin', friends?

It's Saturday night, and while most of you are out there partying like it's 2009, I'm lounging, trying to write a little and wondering if I acquitted myself well in a segment I taped for CNN to air this evening.

They called me yesterday and said Campbell Brown was doing a special tonight on what role race (as in that mishmash of skin color and ethnicity) might play in the upcoming election.

For some reason they wanted me to talk about an old blog post I did in which I challenged my peers in the media - when discussing Barack Obama's ethnic and cultural background and upbringing - to give equal play to his black and white halves. Some of you vehemently disagreed with me back then, in some cases suggesting I was disrespecting Obama by not just calling him black and leaving it at that.

But as I said back when I wrote that post, I know Obama chooses to call himself black - partly 'cause he knows that's how people identify him when they see him. And that's fine, considering how visual a society America is. I would never tell him what to call himself. I call myself pretty, and I defy any one of you who's seen me to tell me I'm not.

But these are two separate issues, skin color and ethnicity. And when we talk about those elements of his background, I still say it's a disservice to his white relatives, like the grandparents who raised him, to largely leave that part of Obama's ethnicity out of the discussion. Unless they're doing some weepy profile - the kind they do on ALL the candidates on both sides of the political spectrum - you never hear pundits talk about Obama having a white half.

And at a time when up to six percent of Americans - according to an AP poll - say they won't vote for Obama because he is black, isn't it the duty of the media to report that he also has a white half?

Anyway, like I told CNN's Jason Carroll in our segment when we taped yesterday afternoon, none of that should matter now.

When voters enter the polling booth in November to decide between McCain and Obama, the only color that should matter is green, as in how much is hemorrhaging from our bank accounts.

I say "should," 'cause you never know what motivates people when no one is watching. There are people who claim to vigorously support John McCain too, people who when in the polling booth will not vote for him because they'll hold his age against him...or maybe his race. Hmmm?

Anyway, while I'm not naive, and I know race unfortunately still matters to some folks, it's also the job of the media to not over-hype it and blow it out of proportion. There are enough strident folks on either side of the political spectrum to do that without us jumping into the fray.

Exhibit A: The white woman at John McCain's Wisconsin rally a couple days ago who said she couldn't trust Obama 'cause "he's an Arab." Do I really need to explain this one?

Exhibit B: Black Florida Congressman Alcee Hastings, who, a few weeks ago, said this about Sarah Palin: "If Sarah Palin isn’t enough of a reason for you to get over whatever your problem is with Barack Obama, then you damn well had better pay attention...Anybody toting guns and stripping moose don’t care too much about what they do with Jews and blacks. So, you just think this through."

OK, with all due respect to the Congressman's title and station, that was just stupid.

Whatever you think of Sarah Palin, her brand of politics, her relationship with naturally tanned people, etc., her "toting guns and stripping moose" doesn't make her a threat to Jews and blacks. Sarah Palin toting guns and stripping moose makes her a threat to moose.

Let's not deny that there are roles for race - both negative and positive - in American politics. But let's not add to those issues unnecessarily.

Alright, I'm signing off. I believe my 2.5 seconds is about to air.

This and that...one

I swear that title isn't a swipe at Sen. McCain's references to Sen. Obama last night.

But since we're on the subject I refuse to declare a winner of debate #2. I'm not a political expert. I do wish that senators McCain and That One had given a few more specifics on their plans.

Anyway, I hope life is good for you today, in spite of the market meltdowns.

Mrs. B and I took a day off to do seek zen and reflect on the baby we lost one year ago today.

No worries. We're not moping. We're long past the persistent grief. Now, its just a little bit of what might have been and what hopefully will be soon.

So that's that.

Where are you reflecting today?

I'm writing this on my phone, so I don't know if the picture came through or not. If it did, that's where we're we're reflecting today.

Don't be mad. Hee hee hee. You live in Miami, its the law that you go to the beach once a week - ideally on a week day when you're the only one there.

Peace and hair grease till tomorrow, my friends. Sent via Blackberry from AT&T

Payin' it Forward

You think I'm gonna write something sappy. I know you think it. I'm not, but I can understand why you'd think it. The title of this post screams sap.

But I have no sap for you here, just a little self-reality-check.

A couple of days ago I was chatting with Alonzo Mourning, all-time leading scorer of the National Basketball Association's Miami Heat, and perhaps more important, chairman emeritus of Alonzo Mourning Charities, Inc.

Mourning, who some of you might know once suffered from a deadly kidney disease, spent most of the conversation talking about his two-tiered philosophy on life:

• If good things are not happening for you and you'd like them to, surround yourself with good people.
• And if good things are happening for you and you want to remain grounded in the reality that you are fortunate - even if you feel you solely engineered your success - then do good things for other people, "good things" being time as much as money.

That philosphy is the basis of Mourning's new book, Resilience.

It's not a wild philosophy and not entirely uncommon. But the key to 'Mourning's second point is that he believes you have to give with equal vigor to people you know and perfect strangers alike.

So I have to confess, as much as I enjoy talking to Mourning, it took a lot for me to quell the cynicism boiling inside me.

Seriously, for a moment, I felt like I was channeling Eric Cartman, when he yells out the school bus window at the apparent downtrodden in South Park that they should all go get jobs.

It's a mean attitude that rears its ugly head in me sometimes. And just giving with pleasure like that is so contrary to the few polluted instincts I have that tell me to hoard and yell "mine!" like a kid holding the only shovel in a crowded sandbox.

Anyway, hours after my conversation with Mourning I was still thinking about what he had to say, when I decided I needed a cold beverage.

So I hollered out to Mrs. B that I was making a quick grocery store run for cold beverages. And I decided not to take any money with me.

No, I didn't think me being so pretty would secure my beverages for free. But I had in my pocket a gift card I was recently given for my birthday. And I was pretty sure it had lots of loot left on it. So why would I need money or a wallet?

Anyway, as I walked into the grocery I saw the usual gaggle of homeless and transient men hanging out at the entrance. And by "usual," I'm not condescending. I mean literally that the same guys are always there.

And, as usual, they appeared to be hitting virtually every entering/exiting shopper up for cash. And as usual their apparent actions annoyed me.

Mind you, all the while I was still sort of stewing in the back of my mind over what Mourning had said to me earlier, mumbling to myself that it's easy for him to be charitable 'cause he's rich. And of course, the little voice that was egging me on left out the part about all the time 'Zo spends in giving, in lieu of money.

So I got inside the store, grabbed my cold beverages, and went to check out, and my gift card didn't work.

I won't bore you with the details, other than to admit I got annoyed with the clerk and muttered under my breath that she must've done something wrong, before I walked out in a huff to the "cold beverage store" next door and got back in line.

Again, the card didn't work. What can I tell you? I'm slow sometimes. It was only then that it dawned on me that the card was either closer to used up than I thought or something was wrong with it.

Yadda yadda yadda, I called the number, checked the balance, and sure enough the card was nearly full.

So there I was looking like a moron, just four blocks from home where I'd left perfectly good cards and perfectly spendable cash, when the cashier tapped my wrist and said "Sir?"

I looked at her exasperated, and she handed me a paper bag with my beverages, pointed at the guy behind me and said "Here you go! He took care of it."

"He" turned out to be one of the guys I'd seen standing at the entrance to the stores. Turned out, according to the cashier, his name is Barry, and he wasn't out there waiting for people to give him money. Barry was out there giving away cash, himself. Apparently he does it a few days a week.

I felt about two inches tall when Barry sincerely asked then "Are you sure that's enough? You need a couple more bucks to grab a bite to eat?"

Talk about sheepish. I thought about Mourning again at that point. I politely declined the offer of food money and tripped over my tongue explaining that Mrs. B was back home preparing a meal for us.

But Barry wouldn't accept my refusal of his charity for the cold beverages. He wouldn't accept my business card either, which I offered and told him to call me so I could return the favor in the next day or two. So I was left with one option: to say thank you.

His response? "Think nothing of it. Just pay it forward. Do it for someone else next time you have the opportunity."

I swear, if I was a conspiracy nut, I'd think Mourning had sent Barry to teach me a lesson, or our crossing paths had been some divine intervention. I know the former's not possible. But the latter might be probable.

Sexual Healing

There's been some buzz online and in a few newscasts this morning about studies at the University of Miami's Touch Research Institute that say touching your significant other is good for your health.

I confess, when I saw the headlines my immediate reaction was that they were talking sex, 'cause you can't touch more closely than that.

But apparently this research is talking about hand-holding, hugging, kisses, and non-sexual massage, PG-13 stuff.

Having read snippets, I have to admit this makes sense. It's all about relaxing, losing tension, and literally feeling good as a result of close contact with that significant other.

Reportedly, when you touch your partner's hand or simply hug your partner, your body is prompted to release a hormone called oxytocin AKA the "happy hormone," known, when interacting with dopamine from the brain, to lower blood pressure and stress, and even suspected of promoting the faster healing of wounds.

So I don't have a brain that operates on the same wavelengths as doctors and other scientists, but I can't help but wonder if simple romantic touching can improve your health and extend your life shouldn't sex make you healthier than a mule and help you live to be 100?

There has to be something to that theory, considering this touch research also acknowledges that women's bodies seem to get more health benefit out of non-sexual touching than men's bodies.

But as much as I want my theory to be true, I'm sure some doctor will shoot it down.

Can't blame me for trying though.

Friday Night Round-up: McCain, Obama, Kanye West, Shia LaBeouf, Alberto Carvalho

That's right. I love you guys so much I'm posting at night...on a Friday, when I should be out getting my Friday Saturday Night Fever on.

I can't do that on Saturday, 'cause I plan to be watching the new Chris Rock stand-up special on HBO. More on that come Monday.

But enough about my leisure time.

I'm writing this post from the temporary home of Burnettiquette World Headquarters: a Marriott Residence Inn a few miles from home. We'll be here a couple of days while our house is tented for stupid termites.

Anywho, there are a few things/people/issues I wanna touch on, and then I'm gonna go back to vegetating for the evening:

1. Just finished watching the first presidential debate. I'm callin' it a draw, 'cause McCain didn't come off as too curmudgeonly...in my opinion, of course, and he held his own during money talk by hammering Obama on earmarks. On the flip side, Obama didn't let himself get bullied on foreign affairs issues and even parried McCain well when McCain criticized him as reckless for threatening to go into the Stans uninvited in pursuit of terror suspects. Obama reminded McCain that he too has made similar threats, and relatively recently at that. No doubt you'll all disagree with me and insist that one guy or the other won. But I don't care, 'cause I'm voting for Dave Barry anyway. So I say it was a draw.That's my word and I'm sticking with it.
2. Once again prosecutors in Los Angeles County have demonstrated why Average Joes in the rest of the United States laugh scornfully when we hear that celebrities have been arrested for anything remotely related to criminal activity. We know that a celebrity would have to feed a newborn baby to a Grizzly Bear, a Grizzly shooting up heroin while in the process of car-jacking an elderly woman, in order to get seriously prosecuted. Those tough-as-nails prosecutors have announced that rapper Kanye West will not face felony charges after being caught on tape snatching a guy's camera, scuffling over it, and destroying the apparently expensive camera. They say the guy was paparazzi, but we don't know that. Could've been Joe Citizen, who happened to have a camera on him and was excited to see his favorite rapper's favorite rapper. I admit though if the guy was paps, then I'm biased and not that sympathetic to the loss of his camera. I know. It's hypocritical of me. Anyway, West might face lesser, misdemeanor charges. Prosecutors also announced that actor Shia LaBeouf, who has had issues with booze and driving recently, will not be charged with DUI in relation to an auto accident a couple of months ago in which LaBeouf allegedly was under the influence. He flipped and wrecked his own vehicle in the process, and he had a passenger. She could've been killed. Shocker: Prosecutors cited insufficient evidence. At most, he'll lose his license for nine months. Some of you say leave the celebs alone 'cause they're people too and they're only getting the same treatment regular folks would if faced with the same legal scrutiny. Keep telling yourself that. But even if you're right - and I don't concede that - you don't have to be religious to get this principle: "to whom much is given, much is required." So until that concept is grasped and justice re-balances her scales in L.A. County, remember if you want to drive drunk, or feed a baby to a bear on a unicycle, do it in the Los Angeles area. You may get a parade.
3. Some of you may remember a post I did last week about a former Miami Herald reporter who was under scrutiny for an apparent inappropriate relationship she had with a school district official, when her job was to report on the school district. Based on email exchanges between the pair that were leaked it appears the former reporter and the official may have had an affair and may have had a "gentleman's" agreement to scratch each other's backs to help advance both their careers. You'll remember that the school official initially insisted the emails were fake, and he called for an investigation into whether they were legit. Less than a week later he admitted they were real, but insisted that in spite of the racy nature of some of the exchanges, there was no affair and he and the reporter were simply being playful with one another. Next he insisted that the reporter may have sent him inappropriate emails but he didn't necessarily remember them. Finally, he said that the emails were of a personal nature and it was inappropriate for him to discuss them in great detail. So, let's fast-forward: The reporter, who left the Herald for the Boston Globe last year was compelled to quit her Globe job a couple days ago to "pursue other opportunities." The school official? He's the new superintendent of Miami-Dade Public Schools, the fourth largest public school district in the U.S. That's right. He got promoted? And with a straight face, now he's asking that an investigation into the emails go on, but he wants it focused apparently on how they were leaked, not whether they're real. Seriously, M-D School Board, I don't cover you so I can say this: Forget the affair if you want, since some folks will argue that part was personal and between consenting adults. But fire this man, anyway. He lied from the beginning, and if he can't be straight on a string of emails, what kind of example is he setting for kids who are constantly told to be above-board in their behavior?

We all scream for ice cream...for real

I just spent 10 minutes struggling to come up with some tongue-in-cheek way to approach what I'm about to write, but I couldn't think of anything. The topic speaks for itself.

So, without further ado, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has issued a challenge to Ben & Jerry's to stop using cow milk in the production of its ice cream and start using human milk. That's right, human breast milk.

The fact that this topic has nearly milked the humor out of me bites, 'cause this would normally be the paragraph where I said something only I would think was clever, something like "Peta wants Ben & Jerry's to promote liquid cannibalism!"

Again, though, I just can't do it. Nevermind the obvious logistical problems and the large scale kidnapping operation Ben & Jerry's would have to undertake in order to properly staff the transition to human milk.

All I can say with a straight face is this: Loving animals is great. Protecting animals from irresponsible humans is great. It's necessary. Compelling adult humans to drink human milk? I don't think so.

I know that sometimes for kicks and giggles I play a dumb jock - pretty, but dumb. But the fact is I lead a pretty healthy lifestyle...except for the occasional cigar and what not. For a long time I've read both sides of the arguments over drinking cow milk. I know that traditionally it's viewed a s a great source of calcium. I haven't broken any bones...except for that time I was hit by a bus. And, even though I don't drink milk (but not for the reasons PETA requests), when I was less health conscious I used to enjoy it over a bowl of Count Chocula or Frankenberry.

Here's my greater point, though: This isn't about milk sources. It's about credibility. And if PETA ever wants mainstream folks, Joe and Jane Average, to take them seriously, this type of argument is not the way to go.

If you don't want people eating delicious animals or drinking delicious animal juice, then don't go to the other extreme and ask them to consume people juice. Be reasonable. Offer folks soy milk as an alternative.

No wild soy beans are ever starved or kept in a tiny pen to produce soy milk.

OK, my head hurts - a sure sign that I've already put too much thought into this.

Yet another new career

Hey, since I told you guys I was launching a new career - while at the same time continuing to be a journalist - I have had a change of heart.

Banking is no longer for me. The loan office at the First Bank of James is now closed. Besides, it looks like the Bailout Gravy Boat could get mothballed before it even leaves the docks. And I was banking on getting bailed out later this fall after you all had defaulted on the loans I planned to give you.

So I've decided to become a magician. Ever since I saw David Blaine engaged in his latest bit of wizardry - hanging upside down (off and on, apparently) for 60 hours - I realized that I was a magician too, because there are times I stay in almost the same position and display few signs of life for hours at a time.

For the right price, I am willing to risk the health of my butt cheeks by sitting nearly motionless in one spot...ideally in front of my television with a cooler and a chamber pot nearby, for 60 hours...also off and on.

I'm just joshin' about Blaine. Some of his illusions and tricks have been amazing, like when he appears to levitate. But hanging upside down? Seems kinda lazy. I mean the biggest scary element to this "trick" is that his blood could rush to his head and pop his eyeballs or make him go temporarily blind. And I could tell him how to keep that from happening: by not hanging upside down for 60 hours.

Anyway, if hanging upside down is worth money, surely sitting on my behind is worth half as much.

Well?

Curse you, paradise!

Morning, folks. I hope everyone had a good weekend. I know I did.

Played with the dog.

Hung out with the wife.

Hung out with a buddy.

Got some book work done.

Found strange powder on a window seal and thought nothing of it.

Did a double take and took a second look at the strange powder.

Entered the early stages of panic after taking that second look at the strange powder.

Called the pest control guy with a sinking feeling in my stomach after taking a second look at the strange powder.

Said a smiling thank you through gritted teeth as the pest control guy confirmed my fears over that strange powder.

Ground at least two teeth to a fine powder of their own as the pest control guy left me with a nearly $1,000 bill on his way out my door, along with the reminder that Mrs. B, dog, cat, and me will have to move out for at least two days later this week while they gas our house for dry wood termites.

Kept my cool against all odds as the pest control guy smiled back before climbing into his car and said "Hey, it's the price you pay for living in paradise!"

Sat with a stiff beverage on my deck contemplating whether other places deemed paradise over the past few centuries earned that label before or after they had cured the plague, house-eating bugs, crappy real estate markets, potentially horrendous weather systems, intense road rage, and traffic congestion that can leave you idling for 30 minutes on a five mile commute.

Woke up and thanked Jebus I was alive.

It's Monday, another day in Paradise, another dollar $1,000.

BTW, on a completely unrelated note if you have talent use it. Don't waste it. Read on, to get my point.

Important Burnettiquette Announcement

I'm off today, belatedly celebrating my birthday. And today is a good day.

I woke up to sunshine, birds singing, no poison toads in my Koi pond, no neighbors' dog poop on my swale, and no crackheads hitting me up for coin-for-"food" outside the neighborhood Starbucks.

And like Ice Cube, I'd swear I caught a glimpse of the Goodyear Blimp, though I'm not sure if it read "James is a pimp."

But none of that is the big announcement.

The big announcement is that I'm launching a new career. No worries, I'm not quitting journalism. But I am now also a savings and loan institution.

My plan is to get loaded from my new part-time gig before the next US president is sworn in.

So if you need a loan, and you are fairly certain you won't be able to pay it back, I'm your guy.

The way I see it I will have loaned out all my dough by Thanksgiving, and I will have loaned most of it to people whose eyes are bigger than their wallets.

And when I'm all tapped out, I'll just ask the White House and Congress to bail me out...for a sum greater than what the First Bank of James is even worth.

Then I'll be able to retire relatively young from the news biz.

So that's my plan. I'm taking credit card applications for the next 30 days. All you need is a Coke and a smile, but no measurable source of income.

Why not? It works.

Sent via Blackberry from AT&T