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Just when you thought your kids were too amped up

If you've been freaked out by all the stories in the news about teens and 20-somethings getting heart murmurs and trippin' like they licked stamps from drinking too much hyper-caffeinated energy drink à la Red Bull, Rock Star, etc. - but not necessarily those two brands - have no fear. The newest enticement for their easy palates is here, and it's in this purple can.

Drankcan_4 This is "Drank," a new anti-energy drink from Houston that makes you sleepy. Seriously, that's its purpose. Drank is infused with melatonin to help bring on the drowsy effect. And, according to the company that makes it, it goes well with vodka.

Drank's motto is "Slow your roll," and its name is derrived from hip-hop slang for crappy, allegedly grape-flavored Kool-Aid, AKA "purple drink." Just a little aside, if the thing you're eating or drinking can be just as easily described by its color as it can by its taste, then it ain't healthy and you should burn it or pour it down the drain. So, for example, if someone asks you what juice you're drinking and you tell them "red" 'cause you aren't quite sure what fruit flavor it's supposed to be, you should probably dump it.

So let's review. Basically, Drank is cough syrup in a can.

What I don't get though is why you need a drink to feel under-zealous. I just have to skip one of my two cups of coffee per day, or the single shot of 5-hour Energy I sometimes substitute for my coffee, and I'll feel plenty slow and sleepy. And skipping those things is free.

Guarantee you though, purple Drank is gonna make a mint. But And somewhere, some droopy-eyed dude is laughing as he rides his Drank all the way to the bank.

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Comments

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The Sarcasticynic

Just wait till someone tries mixing it with Red Bull. Then the kids'll come up with a funny name for the combo. Probably "Bunk."

James B.

Mmmm, Bunk! Sarc, that sounds just about as tasty as "Drank," but you're probably right about what'll happen with it. Someone'll mix it with something that makes vodka look tame and it'll be like a party in their mouths with, um, everyone in attendance.

SWF42

Didn't we do something like this in the 70s, with pills? You took something that would get you wired and then something to bring you down from being wired. Isn't that what killed Elvis?

Maybe I'm misremembering. I was in grade school, so all I know about the 70s drug culture I learned in high school "Just Say No" classes. lol

Franki

Oh maybe they could mix it with steroids and call it Stank.

The Sarcasticynic

Or they'll mix it with Gatorade Tiger Woods Red Drive and call it "Drank & Drive."

Say It

maybe moms will get travel sizes to give to thier kids when taking the plane, or long car drives. Oops, did I type that?

James B.

SWF42, all I remember about the '70s is the Muppets and the crush I had in 79 on my first-grade teacher Mrs. Westinghouse.

Franki, you win the prize today for making me choking on my drink. And no it wasn't "Stank." That was funny.

Sarc, you scare me. How do you think of these things?

Say It, bingo! If I made purple Drank I'd totally market to moms with toddlers!

Kay

The past tense of the name bothers me. But that's just me, I suppose.

How about a shot of Jolt and a shot of Drank and you have Jank? It's really not funny as it appears to me to be a downer for uppers such as Jolt and/or Red Bull. Nothing good can come out of that combination.

The CEO

If you cross Franki and Say It, you give it to husbands who finish too fast, not that we would personally know anyone like that.

Mary

Funny names.

I think I'll stick to my soy cocoa. The chocolate is all the stimulation I can take and the warm milk works the opposite. I don't know if I'm ready to wake up or go back to sleep.

GrizzBabe

This isn't new. It's been in the 'hood for years.

"Hey, pookie. Go get my drank."

james b.

Kay, Jank is good. And you're right. In general this isn't funny. But it's so dumb it can't be anything but funny. Also, the past tense is annoying, but I chalk it up to old school down south slang.

Monty, you are correct. I know nothing about that subject. And if I did I wouldn't admit it anyway ;-)

Mary, that soy cocoa sounds perfect. I wanna try some. I'm putting that on our weekend shopping list.

james b.

Ha ha! Grizz, you're right about "drank's" longevity. But this the first time Pookie's gonna get paid for "drank!"

The Sarcasticynic

Goes well with vodka, does it? Hopefully not SKYY Vodka.

(drum roll, please)

"Skank"

The Sarcasticynic

Goes well with vodka, does it? Hopefully not SKYY Vodka.

(drum roll, please)

"Skank"

The Sarcasticynic

Goes well with vodka, does it? Hopefully not SKYY Vodka.

(drum roll, please)

"Skank"

C

This is my "drank!" - I can never sleep through the night - so maybe I should drank this and get some shat eye to-naight - a'ight!

C

Oh just now realized it's midnight - nothing's open this late but Wally world and it's scarry there after 10pm. Wish I had some drank so I could sleep - swear I am not on drugs - read my blog - just have lots of enargay!.

Sharon

A news item today was how one school was banning energy drinks like Red Bull from the premises. They'd found that students' behaviour deteriorated after they'd had such drinks.

Mind you, if reports from inside schools are to be believed students behaviour is pretty bad to start with.

James B.

C, you have too much energy. You do need some Drank!

Sharon, such bans have occured in some U.S. school districts. Now, I wonder if the kids who already doze off in class will be warned not to have Drank.

The Sarcasticynic

Your spam filter blocked this once - let me try this again: If you mixed it with SKYY Vodka, you'd get S-K-A-N-K.

James B.

Sarc, you win the creativity award for this post.

M@

But I gotta be frank!

(Hey, James, you rap like the Fresh Prince.)

James B.

Ha, ha, M@! I get it. I'd be the nerd of rappers, even more so than N.E.R.D. But hey, look at the last guy to tease Will Smith's brand of rap: From what I heard, he's now practically a recluse in his Detroit-area mansion shoving half-gallons of ice cream and half-pounds of mutton chops down his throat, while Will Smith is jet-settin', and living large.

heartinsanfrancisco

Another great drug to be driving behind. We seem to be a culture intent on suicide.

heartinsanfrancisco

Another great drug to be driving behind. We seem to be a culture intent on suicide.

heartinsanfrancisco

James, you do know that it's impossible to arrow back from posting a comment here without it posting again, don't you?

I forgot I had to close the server to exit your site.

James B.

HeartsinSanFran, give it a few months. Someone will be using "I was on Drank" as a defense to why they fell asleep at the wheel.

And I'm aware of that snafu with the browser. I'll ask the good tech folk to look into it.

Pamela

oh james.. you beat me to my own comment. I was going to go with the conspiracy theory.
One more thing for the sue crazy crowd -- the attorneys are probably going to make big bucks.
As in I didn't "know the coffee was hot"
It will be "I didn't know it would make me fall asleep at the wheel."

Drank my attorney to the bank

Kurt P

"Dank goes good with vodka."

Does that mean it's th new date rape drug?
Add two depresants and have your way while she's crashed.

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