Have I ever recommended you guys revert to kindergarten occasionally and exercise a flexible sense of humor?
If not, and you don't already, try it sometimes. The ridiculous can be as therapeutic as scripture sometimes.
Don't believe me? Keep reading.
There are few behaviors or actions, even minor, silly stuff, that if we wanted, we couldn't assign a minimum standard of behavior to.
Think about it. You approach a door at the same time as another person? You exercise the baseball standard, as in "tie goes to the runner," and you give way to the other person (or not, if he's a jerk).
You bump into someone in a crowd? You smile and say "Excuse me."
Someone compliments you? You don't disregard their words. You say "Thank you."
You belch? You pardon yourself.
And so on...
So clearly, the alien woman Mrs. B and I encountered in a department store Saturday afternoon hadn't heard the rules about farting in public.
We were strolling down an aisle looking for a rug or something like that. When we rounded the corner to head up the next aisle, the woman was exiting that aisle and didn't see us.
I mean her head was down as she pushed her cart. But even if it hadn't been down, she couldn't have seen us. 'Cause three steps later when we crossed the spot where she'd just stood, we smelled an unbelievably foul odor. I'm certain it was the foulest odor I've ever come across. And keep in mind back when I was a crime reporter I spent time in the morgue. And I even came across a couple of crime scenes ripe with the smell of recent death.
This is why I call the woman an alien. No human could emit a smell like that unless they sustain themselves on a diet of charcoal and brimstone, or unless something - like an alien? - crawled up inside 'em and died.
Most rules of letting one rip are pretty much common sense. But in case you, like this woman, have a serious gastro problem and absolutely have to pass one in a public indoor place, like a department store, then make sure you're in an isolated part of the store - a part of the store where the products are covered with dust, giving you a good indication that people rarely go there. And whatever you do, and wherever you do it, look UP!!!! Look up and around first to make sure the coast is clear. It's the best way to avoid embarrassment - though this woman tried to pretend "it" wasn't hers, and the best way to avoid being grossly offensive.
This act, my friends, was high on the list of poor Burnettiquette. Silence is no excuse, and certainly no mask.
Anyway, if that hasn't made you giggle or scrunch up your nose uncomfortably enough already, the whole unpleasant incident that made my eyes water and I swear induced a minor asthma attack for me, reminded me of this beeper commercial featuring the start of a blind date: