Burnettiquette

Sexual Healing

There's been some buzz online and in a few newscasts this morning about studies at the University of Miami's Touch Research Institute that say touching your significant other is good for your health.

I confess, when I saw the headlines my immediate reaction was that they were talking sex, 'cause you can't touch more closely than that.

But apparently this research is talking about hand-holding, hugging, kisses, and non-sexual massage, PG-13 stuff.

Having read snippets, I have to admit this makes sense. It's all about relaxing, losing tension, and literally feeling good as a result of close contact with that significant other.

Reportedly, when you touch your partner's hand or simply hug your partner, your body is prompted to release a hormone called oxytocin AKA the "happy hormone," known, when interacting with dopamine from the brain, to lower blood pressure and stress, and even suspected of promoting the faster healing of wounds.

So I don't have a brain that operates on the same wavelengths as doctors and other scientists, but I can't help but wonder if simple romantic touching can improve your health and extend your life shouldn't sex make you healthier than a mule and help you live to be 100?

There has to be something to that theory, considering this touch research also acknowledges that women's bodies seem to get more health benefit out of non-sexual touching than men's bodies.

But as much as I want my theory to be true, I'm sure some doctor will shoot it down.

Can't blame me for trying though.

Friday Night Round-up: McCain, Obama, Kanye West, Shia LaBeouf, Alberto Carvalho

That's right. I love you guys so much I'm posting at night...on a Friday, when I should be out getting my Friday Saturday Night Fever on.

I can't do that on Saturday, 'cause I plan to be watching the new Chris Rock stand-up special on HBO. More on that come Monday.

But enough about my leisure time.

I'm writing this post from the temporary home of Burnettiquette World Headquarters: a Marriott Residence Inn a few miles from home. We'll be here a couple of days while our house is tented for stupid termites.

Anywho, there are a few things/people/issues I wanna touch on, and then I'm gonna go back to vegetating for the evening:

1. Just finished watching the first presidential debate. I'm callin' it a draw, 'cause McCain didn't come off as too curmudgeonly...in my opinion, of course, and he held his own during money talk by hammering Obama on earmarks. On the flip side, Obama didn't let himself get bullied on foreign affairs issues and even parried McCain well when McCain criticized him as reckless for threatening to go into the Stans uninvited in pursuit of terror suspects. Obama reminded McCain that he too has made similar threats, and relatively recently at that. No doubt you'll all disagree with me and insist that one guy or the other won. But I don't care, 'cause I'm voting for Dave Barry anyway. So I say it was a draw.That's my word and I'm sticking with it.
2. Once again prosecutors in Los Angeles County have demonstrated why Average Joes in the rest of the United States laugh scornfully when we hear that celebrities have been arrested for anything remotely related to criminal activity. We know that a celebrity would have to feed a newborn baby to a Grizzly Bear, a Grizzly shooting up heroin while in the process of car-jacking an elderly woman, in order to get seriously prosecuted. Those tough-as-nails prosecutors have announced that rapper Kanye West will not face felony charges after being caught on tape snatching a guy's camera, scuffling over it, and destroying the apparently expensive camera. They say the guy was paparazzi, but we don't know that. Could've been Joe Citizen, who happened to have a camera on him and was excited to see his favorite rapper's favorite rapper. I admit though if the guy was paps, then I'm biased and not that sympathetic to the loss of his camera. I know. It's hypocritical of me. Anyway, West might face lesser, misdemeanor charges. Prosecutors also announced that actor Shia LaBeouf, who has had issues with booze and driving recently, will not be charged with DUI in relation to an auto accident a couple of months ago in which LaBeouf allegedly was under the influence. He flipped and wrecked his own vehicle in the process, and he had a passenger. She could've been killed. Shocker: Prosecutors cited insufficient evidence. At most, he'll lose his license for nine months. Some of you say leave the celebs alone 'cause they're people too and they're only getting the same treatment regular folks would if faced with the same legal scrutiny. Keep telling yourself that. But even if you're right - and I don't concede that - you don't have to be religious to get this principle: "to whom much is given, much is required." So until that concept is grasped and justice re-balances her scales in L.A. County, remember if you want to drive drunk, or feed a baby to a bear on a unicycle, do it in the Los Angeles area. You may get a parade.
3. Some of you may remember a post I did last week about a former Miami Herald reporter who was under scrutiny for an apparent inappropriate relationship she had with a school district official, when her job was to report on the school district. Based on email exchanges between the pair that were leaked it appears the former reporter and the official may have had an affair and may have had a "gentleman's" agreement to scratch each other's backs to help advance both their careers. You'll remember that the school official initially insisted the emails were fake, and he called for an investigation into whether they were legit. Less than a week later he admitted they were real, but insisted that in spite of the racy nature of some of the exchanges, there was no affair and he and the reporter were simply being playful with one another. Next he insisted that the reporter may have sent him inappropriate emails but he didn't necessarily remember them. Finally, he said that the emails were of a personal nature and it was inappropriate for him to discuss them in great detail. So, let's fast-forward: The reporter, who left the Herald for the Boston Globe last year was compelled to quit her Globe job a couple days ago to "pursue other opportunities." The school official? He's the new superintendent of Miami-Dade Public Schools, the fourth largest public school district in the U.S. That's right. He got promoted? And with a straight face, now he's asking that an investigation into the emails go on, but he wants it focused apparently on how they were leaked, not whether they're real. Seriously, M-D School Board, I don't cover you so I can say this: Forget the affair if you want, since some folks will argue that part was personal and between consenting adults. But fire this man, anyway. He lied from the beginning, and if he can't be straight on a string of emails, what kind of example is he setting for kids who are constantly told to be above-board in their behavior?

We all scream for ice cream...for real

I just spent 10 minutes struggling to come up with some tongue-in-cheek way to approach what I'm about to write, but I couldn't think of anything. The topic speaks for itself.

So, without further ado, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has issued a challenge to Ben & Jerry's to stop using cow milk in the production of its ice cream and start using human milk. That's right, human breast milk.

The fact that this topic has nearly milked the humor out of me bites, 'cause this would normally be the paragraph where I said something only I would think was clever, something like "Peta wants Ben & Jerry's to promote liquid cannibalism!"

Again, though, I just can't do it. Nevermind the obvious logistical problems and the large scale kidnapping operation Ben & Jerry's would have to undertake in order to properly staff the transition to human milk.

All I can say with a straight face is this: Loving animals is great. Protecting animals from irresponsible humans is great. It's necessary. Compelling adult humans to drink human milk? I don't think so.

I know that sometimes for kicks and giggles I play a dumb jock - pretty, but dumb. But the fact is I lead a pretty healthy lifestyle...except for the occasional cigar and what not. For a long time I've read both sides of the arguments over drinking cow milk. I know that traditionally it's viewed a s a great source of calcium. I haven't broken any bones...except for that time I was hit by a bus. And, even though I don't drink milk (but not for the reasons PETA requests), when I was less health conscious I used to enjoy it over a bowl of Count Chocula or Frankenberry.

Here's my greater point, though: This isn't about milk sources. It's about credibility. And if PETA ever wants mainstream folks, Joe and Jane Average, to take them seriously, this type of argument is not the way to go.

If you don't want people eating delicious animals or drinking delicious animal juice, then don't go to the other extreme and ask them to consume people juice. Be reasonable. Offer folks soy milk as an alternative.

No wild soy beans are ever starved or kept in a tiny pen to produce soy milk.

OK, my head hurts - a sure sign that I've already put too much thought into this.

Yet another new career

Hey, since I told you guys I was launching a new career - while at the same time continuing to be a journalist - I have had a change of heart.

Banking is no longer for me. The loan office at the First Bank of James is now closed. Besides, it looks like the Bailout Gravy Boat could get mothballed before it even leaves the docks. And I was banking on getting bailed out later this fall after you all had defaulted on the loans I planned to give you.

So I've decided to become a magician. Ever since I saw David Blaine engaged in his latest bit of wizardry - hanging upside down (off and on, apparently) for 60 hours - I realized that I was a magician too, because there are times I stay in almost the same position and display few signs of life for hours at a time.

For the right price, I am willing to risk the health of my butt cheeks by sitting nearly motionless in one spot...ideally in front of my television with a cooler and a chamber pot nearby, for 60 hours...also off and on.

I'm just joshin' about Blaine. Some of his illusions and tricks have been amazing, like when he appears to levitate. But hanging upside down? Seems kinda lazy. I mean the biggest scary element to this "trick" is that his blood could rush to his head and pop his eyeballs or make him go temporarily blind. And I could tell him how to keep that from happening: by not hanging upside down for 60 hours.

Anyway, if hanging upside down is worth money, surely sitting on my behind is worth half as much.

Well?

Curse you, paradise!

Morning, folks. I hope everyone had a good weekend. I know I did.

Played with the dog.

Hung out with the wife.

Hung out with a buddy.

Got some book work done.

Found strange powder on a window seal and thought nothing of it.

Did a double take and took a second look at the strange powder.

Entered the early stages of panic after taking that second look at the strange powder.

Called the pest control guy with a sinking feeling in my stomach after taking a second look at the strange powder.

Said a smiling thank you through gritted teeth as the pest control guy confirmed my fears over that strange powder.

Ground at least two teeth to a fine powder of their own as the pest control guy left me with a nearly $1,000 bill on his way out my door, along with the reminder that Mrs. B, dog, cat, and me will have to move out for at least two days later this week while they gas our house for dry wood termites.

Kept my cool against all odds as the pest control guy smiled back before climbing into his car and said "Hey, it's the price you pay for living in paradise!"

Sat with a stiff beverage on my deck contemplating whether other places deemed paradise over the past few centuries earned that label before or after they had cured the plague, house-eating bugs, crappy real estate markets, potentially horrendous weather systems, intense road rage, and traffic congestion that can leave you idling for 30 minutes on a five mile commute.

Woke up and thanked Jebus I was alive.

It's Monday, another day in Paradise, another dollar $1,000.

BTW, on a completely unrelated note if you have talent use it. Don't waste it. Read on, to get my point.

Important Burnettiquette Announcement

I'm off today, belatedly celebrating my birthday. And today is a good day.

I woke up to sunshine, birds singing, no poison toads in my Koi pond, no neighbors' dog poop on my swale, and no crackheads hitting me up for coin-for-"food" outside the neighborhood Starbucks.

And like Ice Cube, I'd swear I caught a glimpse of the Goodyear Blimp, though I'm not sure if it read "James is a pimp."

But none of that is the big announcement.

The big announcement is that I'm launching a new career. No worries, I'm not quitting journalism. But I am now also a savings and loan institution.

My plan is to get loaded from my new part-time gig before the next US president is sworn in.

So if you need a loan, and you are fairly certain you won't be able to pay it back, I'm your guy.

The way I see it I will have loaned out all my dough by Thanksgiving, and I will have loaned most of it to people whose eyes are bigger than their wallets.

And when I'm all tapped out, I'll just ask the White House and Congress to bail me out...for a sum greater than what the First Bank of James is even worth.

Then I'll be able to retire relatively young from the news biz.

So that's my plan. I'm taking credit card applications for the next 30 days. All you need is a Coke and a smile, but no measurable source of income.

Why not? It works.

Sent via Blackberry from AT&T

why some famous people should always have a paid professional speak for them in public

What a man who definitely does NOT have a thing for teenage girls says immediately after being asked by a reporter if he harbors such feelings: "Absolutely not! No way, no how. That's disgusting!"

What 40-year-old R&B singer R. Kelly, recently acquitted of child sex charges, which included allegations that he "showered" affection onto one young teenage girl, said when an interviewer posed that question to him a couple days ago: "When you say teenage, how -- how old are we talkin' ... 19? ..."

Tsk, tsk. This is why it's worth it for celebs to hire mouthpieces, 'cause even though Kelly went on to say in the interview that he has 19-year-old "friends" but doesn't like teens who are "illegal," this was just the kind of answer that has the potential to overwhelm reality, or in this case the jury's verdict.

Throw the bum politician educator out!

If you are reading this and don't live in the Miami area then you probably don't know that Miami-Dade County Public Schools has been in turmoil recently.

Dr. Rudy Crew, superintendent of Dade schools, was sent packing last week, after the school board decided they could no longer support him and voted him out.

One of Crew's deputies, then-Associate Superintendent Alberto Carvalho, was subsequently pitched by some school board members for the top job.

Carvalho is a popular guy. His supporters said he'd be great for the job.

But then the Miami Herald got hold of a string of emails purported to be communications between Carvalho and a former Herald reporter - Tania deLuzuriaga, a reporter who used to write about Dade schools - and Carvalho's cake walk into the boss's office suddenly got a little rocky.

The emails, which you can peruse for yourself here, suggest an intimate relationship between the pair. The emails also suggest an inappropriate professional relationship between Carvalho and deLuzuriaga. The string contains a couple of messages in which the reporter shared with Carvalho confidential correspondence another schools reporter sent to her. It also contains messages where the reporter essentially suggests to Carvalho that they scratch each other's backs in the name of professional advancement for both. Carvalho allegedly sent other emails to a school board member, coaching that member on how to grill then Superintendent Rudy Crew.

But regardless what you think of the affair allegations, or the back-scratching allegations, or the allegations of Carvalho trying to undermine his now-former boss, here's the problem: At the beginning of last week, Carvalho was righteously indignant and told the Miami Herald and anyone else who would listen, including the school board, that the emails had been doctored to falsely suggest an inappropriate relationship between him and the reporter.

By the end of the week, he had changed his tune and essentially admitted the emails were likely real. Instead of denying them, he actually told a TV reporter on Saturday that he didn't recall receiving some of them. And even though no affair occurred, the emails were of a personal nature and that he didn't feel right discussing them in detail.

But this isn't about an affair. On Friday, Carvalho was voted into the superintendent's job by a majority of the school board.

Now, what does the school board need to do? Fire him. Toss him out on his arse.

Forget the alleged affair. Forget the alleged sour professional relationship. 'Cause in the strictest sense, in his business Carvalho isn't bound by news biz ethical rules that demand reporters keep relationships at arm's length from the people they cover. BTW, the reporter is now under fire at her current newspaper and could be fired over this.

The problem is Carvalho lied to the school board, and that's a terrible example to the kids in his school district. And if you believe that hooey about him possibly not remembering the email exchanges I have a bridge to sell you in the Florida Everglades. It leads to nowhere, by the way.

I don't know about you, but I tend to forget email spam. Even those messages offering to enhance my sex life or give me half of an African prince's fortune...for a small fee. What I guarantee you I wouldn't forget are romantic emails sent to me from someone I see hanging around my office and office building several days per week. No way I'd forget those.

Carvalho may be the greatest administrator and strategist to ever walk the Earth. But if he's lying to the school board before his first day on the job it's a bad precedent. If a kid lies to his teacher and is found out he's sent to sit in the corner, or sent to the Principal's office, or sent home with a note to his parents. And it's that way 'cause we don't want kids thinking it's OK to lie their way out of things.

How's it gonna look to them that this guy gets a promotion out of his fibbing?

Geese, and ganders, and jocks, and pols

When I was a kid, my friends and family called me Jamie. In fact, they called me Jamie till I was 17 and threatened to hurt them all physically if they didn't stop. Suddenly, I became James to them.

I thought about that nickname thing a couple days ago when I was reading the sports pages and saw a reference to Adam Jones, professional football player and notorious (he says former) knucklehead for his off-field antics that include a number of arrests and allegations involving criminal behavior. The reference I saw called him Adam "Pacman" Jones.

After serving a suspension from the NFL, Jones came back recently and announced that he was dropping the "Pacman" nickname, one that he's had for a long time.

He insisted he was entering a new stage in his life, that he was a grown man and would behave as such from now on, and would no longer embrace the spoiled child role he'd played so well in the past.

And he said with a new start, he'd like to be called by his given name.

And, the media to whom he'd made that request, promptly went out and continued to do stories on...Adam "Pacman" Jones.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's a small thing. Who is Adam Jones in the grand scheme of news that should be important to us all?

But it was an interesting response to Jones's name change request and one that exposed more inconsistency with how and when the media chooses to abide by a famous person's request in terms of how they're covered or at least how they're identified in news reports.

When hip-hop mogul Sean "Diddy" Combs was acquitted of gun and assault charges several years ago, after he allegedly was involved in a nightclub shooting, Combs told the media that he would no longer go by "P. Diddy," the nickname he was using at the time.

Before that he had been several variations of Puffy, Puff Daddy, Puff the Magic Dragon, etc. I'm kidding about that last one. So please don't send anyone to kill me, sir. I own several Sean John neckties! Seriously, I'm teasing. Not about the ties. I do own them...and wear them. Even bought my dad a couple of 'em for Father's Day last year.

But what isn't funny in this discussion is the fact that following the nickname change announcement, Combs got his wish. Both print and broadcast media types began referring to him as Sean "Diddy" Combs.

What gives? I'm not saying Combs's wish shouldn't have been granted back in the day. I'm saying that Jones's wish should have been granted...until/unless he acts up again. And if he does act up again, well then he's still a screw-up and you can call him whatever you want to make that point.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think the media should allow famous subjects to dictate how they're covered. And don't get me wrong about the seriousness or lack thereof in these two cases. I realize that nothing Jones or Combs does will alter the path of Earth's orbit, or compel world peace.

But calling a guy by his real name is not the same as bowing to his demands about how you report on him, and maybe it's a sign of a nagging double standard.

I'm gonna stop in a sec, before I get myself in trouble. But if, for example, you're covering either of the presidential campaigns right now and you've caved to coverage demands by one side or the other, take a hint from the case study of the now-former P. Diddy, and the now-wishing-he-could-be-former Pacman:

There are only two things the McCain and Obama camps have any business demanding of the media: that we spell their candidate's names correctly, and that we cover them equitably and fairly.

All this other stuff about who called whom what name? Not only shouldn't we be spending quality time sorting through that mess. But we should respond to it by giving both campaigns this message: You two can nickname each other on your own time, say some time after the first week of November. But for now, all we want to know is what you're going to do about the economy, the War, and the ongoing terror threats.

So when they try to pull you into their naming spats, tell both campaigns they can take that jibber jabber along with their additional demands for tailored coverage and shove 'em where the Sun don't shine.

And no, that is not a reference to Alaska in the winter.

Just be grateful

While political camps sling mud at one another and gripe about what and how the other side is characterizing them and demand that the other side stop using certain words to describe them, a standup comedian in Italy is facing criminal charges for telling a disrespectful joke about Pope Benedict XVI.

Further, Sabina Guzzanti could get as much as five years in prison for violating a 1929 Italian treaty with the Vatican that made insulting the pope as great an offense as insulting the Italian Prime Minister.

Mmmmmm, the freedom to insult...even religious figures. Makes the political he-said-she-said sound even dumber. Not nice to go after folks of the cloth, but what the hell. Glad we have the right to do it in the US!