Hey, since I told you guys I was launching a new career - while at the same time continuing to be a journalist - I have had a change of heart.
Banking is no longer for me. The loan office at the First Bank of James is now closed. Besides, it looks like the Bailout Gravy Boat could get mothballed before it even leaves the docks. And I was banking on getting bailed out later this fall after you all had defaulted on the loans I planned to give you.
So I've decided to become a magician. Ever since I saw David Blaine engaged in his latest bit of wizardry - hanging upside down (off and on, apparently) for 60 hours - I realized that I was a magician too, because there are times I stay in almost the same position and display few signs of life for hours at a time.
For the right price, I am willing to risk the health of my butt cheeks by sitting nearly motionless in one spot...ideally in front of my television with a cooler and a chamber pot nearby, for 60 hours...also off and on.
I'm just joshin' about Blaine. Some of his illusions and tricks have been amazing, like when he appears to levitate. But hanging upside down? Seems kinda lazy. I mean the biggest scary element to this "trick" is that his blood could rush to his head and pop his eyeballs or make him go temporarily blind. And I could tell him how to keep that from happening: by not hanging upside down for 60 hours.
Anyway, if hanging upside down is worth money, surely sitting on my behind is worth half as much.