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Reason #403 that I need therapy

I need help with a prejudice, I think. But don't get your shorts in a bunch. I'm not talking "isms." I don't care what color you are, or what party of the globe your ancestors came from. My prejudice isn't that deep. Besides, generally speaking I love everybody, like a rotund kid loves cake.

Almost everybody. Everybody except hippies. I can't explain why I haven't been able to overcome my lifelong disdain of them. But in the past two days I've had two negative hippie encounters, which lead me to believe I need to go to a camp to learn to be at peace with hippies, or something.

I'll tell you what it is, I think: I love the earth, and I love animals too. But every hippie I've ever met, like most political pundits I've met, can't seem to make a point without taking it to a ridiculous extreme, or without coming off as smug and self-righteous. And that, my friends, is a turnoff and never wins anyone over to your point of view.

Case in point: I met this morning's hippie, while sitting at a coffee stand near the Herald, waiting for a source to show up. She sat down across from me, facing me, but at the next table over.

I smiled and said hello and then quickly went back to my paper and my coffee.

That would have been fine. Peaceful. Pleasant.

But then she had to start talking. First, she commented on the I.D. hanging around my neck.

Her: You a journalist?

Me: Yep.

Her: You know about the Illumminati?

Me: I think my grandfather once test drove one.

Her: No, I mean the secret global government that is using the media to take over the world.

Me: Sorry, I was thinking of Maserati.

Her: Well, whether you realize it or not you're probably a part of their plan.

Me: They'd better keep paying me on time, or I'll expose them.

Her: It isn't funny.

Me: I'm sorry, but I don't know you. I didn't mean to offend you. But we went from hello to you telling me I'm helping bring down the world. Tell you what, I'll just finish my coffee.


Her: Is that coffee fair trade?

Me: I didn't ask.

Her: You should have. Did you know that lots of countries that produce coffee beans force kids into slave labor to make coffee for people like you?

Me: Thirsty, sleepy people?

Her: No, ignorant consumers.

Me: I see. I'm contributing to slavery...maybe. How ironic. I think I'm going to keep sipping and reading.

Her: And some companies that import pre-ground beans accidentally grind up small animals. It can be cruel, you know.

Me: So my coffee has meat in it?


Her: Nice suit.

Me: Thanks. Let me guess. A kid named Pavel who lives in a hovel made this suit for 15 cents?

Her: No, just nice suit.

Me: Thank you. Nice t-shirt. I notice you have lots of drawings on it.

Her: Yeah, this one is my protest to the Christians who think they're going to take over the world. Some historical texts suggest that Jesus didn't even exist.

Me: I thought the Illuminati was taking over.

Her: They are, too. And this is one I drew to say death to the Nazis, man. Nazis would have never let us sit here and have this conversation.

Me: True. We probably couldn't have talked. That would have sucked. What's that one about?

Her: Oh, that one's my protest against capitalism. It's hurting the planet, man.

Me: Oh? You have a suitcase with you. Traveling?

Her: Yes.

Me: Where to?

Her: Spain.

Me: Expensive trip.

Her: My folks helped with the ticket.

Me: They bought it then?

Her: Yeah, something like that.

Me: So they have jobs?

Her: Yes.

Me: In this country?

Her: Yes.

Me: Then they're capitalists?

Her: I could see how you might think that.

Me, as I stand and walk away: This has been real. I think I hear my boss calling me.

Her, to my back: Don't let the powers use you, man!

Me: What does that even mean?

Her: It means the world is ours, man. Don't let them take it from you.

Me: The world is yours? You've been watching Scarface.

Her: Scarface?

Me, to myself as I pick up the pace: stupid hippies.


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You should have had way, way more fun with that encounter than you did.

You could have totally pulled this idiot in with your attempt to escape from the Illuminati. I would have paid to been there for that.


That reminds me of the time I went to see the Mavericks for New Year's in Miami. Phish was playing just down the street and we walked with all these 20yr old neo-wannabe-hippies who paid $80/ticket who thought they were so cool. After I got back home I saw a bumper sticker that made me smile-'Jerry Garcia is Dead, Phish Sucks. Get over it." I can relate to the original hippies and brotherly love, but the whole I'm better than you attitude is a bit much to take (but I do love the irony of her parents paying for her ticket....and uh...wasn't she in the same coffee shop??)


Ahhh… The joy of the crazy hippies. Although I would have to say there are crazies everywhere. (And most of them seem to live in CA)


Dude, like no one messes with Pacino, except maybe Puccini, and didn't you know about the oppressive and evil-e empire that Starbucks actually is, suppressing all those third world countries it taught to grow coffee so it could spread capitalism and enslave the poor? You, you, you journalist. You must work for, wait a second, I have to scroll back to get the name right, the Imperial Storm Troopers.

May Jerry Garcia live forever.

Now, do I have a future, or what?

James B.

WavemanCali, I hear ya. I was tempted to go buck wild, but I actually felt a little bad for her.

Ha ha! Claudia, in my old neighborhood that bumper sticker would've caused a riot. And yes, she was in the coffee shop, but just taking up space. She didn't have a coffee in front of her.

Kay, keep your hippies in Cali! We don't want anymore in Miami;-)

Monty, you have a future. I want you to invite me to your first Oscars or Tony Awards!


it's groovy to hate hippies...they're the default scapegoats of the world

Elaine Haley

Uh, I think your problem is with crazy people that have parents who are so desperate to get rid of them that they send them on a trip to Spain. Hippies were actually pretty cool back in the day but they all either grew up and got jobs or died of drug overdoses. This girl is a poser.


um... wow.


I had a similar conversation with a woman who was complaining about taxes (as she rode on a tax sponsored free downtown bus system and lived on tax based SSI ... I could go on)

A half-bubble off plum on everything.


Shoulda agreed with her, and then tapped her. Wait, you're a married man with morals.

A couple of my single friends are doing just that, playing to the stupidity of hippies just to get laid and then disapearing.

Predatory, I know. Dumb, too. Who knows what those hippies are carrying!

James B.

Insomniac, I admit they are easy targets.

Elaine, I'll take your word for it. I'd like to meet an old school hippie, so I can judge for myself.

Yas, my sentiments exactly!

Pamela, that's it! That's what bugs me - the griping about our terrible way of life, followed by taking advantage of the "free" perks that come with our way of life.

Og, ha ha! You're trying to get me in trouble. Of course, that isn't to say that waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the day I didn't think exactly like your single friends...for a brief period of time in which I am completely ashamed of my actions. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I couldn't even write that part with a straight face.


It's good to know you're a Man, James. And now, a man who is too decent to engage in ... those practices.

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