I once passed a psych test in college by answering that question with "because." I'm pretty sure that professor is stuffing his pants with old newspaper and sleeping under a bridge these days.
At any rate, my question isn't that deep. I just want to know simple things, like:
- why this young woman in North Carolina thought it would help her anti-animal-dissection cause to legally change her name to Cutout?
- why, with 50 empty tables in the Miami Herald cafeteria - seriously, until about 10 seconds ago I was literally the only person sitting in our dining room - a guy who is a loud eater just walked up and sat at a table about two feet away from me? Of course, as I sit here taking a break from writing an article, I swear it is pure coincidence that Rockwell, singing Somebody's Watchin' Me, just started playing through my earbuds. I am not paranoid. Anyway, I'm pretty sure loud eater-sittin'-too-close-to-me-guy wasn't an executive. If it turns out he was, this time tomorrow you'll find a broken URL where Burnettiquette used to be;>)
- why I have a sneaking suspicion that Osama bin Laden will finally be captured/killed a few days before the presidential election next month?
- speaking of Osama, why I should believe it was an accident last week that an upstate New York county mailed out hundreds of absentee ballots with Barack Obama's last name spelled "Osama?" I've been typing for years, and even on those days when I try typing upside down or with my feet, there has always been at least two keys separating the "s" key and the "b" key. I've never mistaken the two.
- why, speaking of ballots, I think voter registration AND voter prevention fraud will occur at exponentially greater levels than in the past two presidential election cycles? Don't smirk. ACORN, in all its support for Obama, is not alone. Before all is said and done you'll have heard about just as much vote-related fraud that benefits McCain too.
- why I'm resigned to the notion that regardless of who moves into the White House next January, this economy is gonna have us all pole dancin' for a buck or selling apples and homemade sugar water on the side of the road to keep the bills paid?
- why one of my close buddies - a longtime Republican, ever a friendly thorn in my side over my Independent status - got annoyed with me earlier today for not agreeing with him that a majority of black voters are supporting Obama because he's black? On the contrary, going back to the late 1950s voting records show that a majority of blacks have voted for the Democratic candidate for president. And until this year, that candidate has always been white. That majority has increased over the past five election cycles to a level consistently in the 90% range. Multiple polls show that this year more than 95% of black voters surveyed say they plan to vote for Obama. Now, since an average of 90% of black voters tend to vote for the Democratic candidate, period, the math and the science suggest that fewer than 10% of blacks who plan to vote for Obama are doing so because of his skin color. Now, in normal-speak: what's so shocking about the idea that people who mostly vote for Democrats in other years are doing so this year too? And why did my buddy get upset when I told him these discussions are growing tired since there's no scientifically measurable point of comparison for the Republican Party, since the GOP has never had a non-white presidential candidate (no, I'm not counting the primary contests - I'm talking final candidates).
- why another buddy, James T. Harris, a futurist, marketing guru, and black conservative talk radio host in Milwaukee, Wis., has been flooded with hate mail and even life-threatening mail since attending a McCain rally last week and begging McCain to attack Obama harder? I don't see eye-to-eye with J.T. on everything, just as I don't see eye-to-eye with my consistently liberal friends on everything. Regardless, just because J.T. hasn't gone the way of the majority of people who look him doesn't mean he deserves hate mail and death threats. On the contrary, he deserves props for sticking to his guns, even when he knows his will be an unpopular decision in some quarters. He's got principles. You may not like his principles, but by practical definition, he's got 'em. That anyone thinks its cool to threaten the man's life and call him vile names 'cause he doesn't like Obama doesn't say a lot about their character.
- why Dave Barry still hasn't chosen me for his running mate, and why more of you aren't planning on writing us in on your ballots?