Burnettiquette

Ad Agency Sex Video Leads to Firing

What's crackin' friends? I hope you all had a solid Thanksgiving - good food and good thanks all around.

I did. The family and I had a blast. Now I'm loungin' at home watching Goldeneye, catching up on email, too tired to go out on the town, and still trying two days later to recuperate from too much food.

On to business - I have two simple questions for you, but first a scenario:

Several days ago the New York-themed media industry Web site Gawker featured a semi-grainy cellphone video of a man and a woman having sex on the floor of a cubicle at an ad agency. They apparently didn't know they were being recorded.

The video was shot by a co-worker of the pair, who showed it to a few other co-workers and then sent it via email to even more co-workers, one of whom put it on the Web and turned it viral. No accounts of this incident say whether or not the voyeur sent the video to the other co-workers on his own time and equipment. But it's implied that he sent it from work on his work computer.

So what do you think the bosses at the ad agency did when they found out? Better yet, what, if anything, would you have done?

I'm curious for your answer to the second question, because my first reaction was I would have suspended all three for a week without pay for their unprofessional conduct in the workplace. I'm no prude, but c'mon. They were at work! Maybe you think that's too harsh or too light a sentence. Ponder it for a moment.

In the mean time, the answer to the first question is the bosses fired the videographer, but allowed the humping couple to keep their jobs. Keep in mind this video features a set of butt cheeks (sorry guys, they're his cheeks) bouncing around like two Christmas hams at the bottom of a grocery bag.

My snap judgment? The bosses were probably right to fire the video voyeur, but they should've fired the humpy couple too.

Fire the videographer for being a creepy, loser of a voyeur, and for being stupid enough to use a company computer and company email to send the video around.

And fire the humping couple for being nasty at work.

Naturally sex in and of itself isn't nasty. It's lovely, and beautiful and natural and normal, yada, yada, yada. But at work, on the floor in a cubicle? And what if that was a clueless third party's cubicle - some guy who left the office early that day? That poor guy came to work the next morning and found his workspace smelling of sweat, funk, and buyer's remorse.

Bottom line, all three of them were out of order. Keep 'em all or send 'em all packin'.

That's my word. What's yours? One more thing before you answer: There were two other co-workers snapping still shots of the humping couple, while the voyeur shot his cellphone video. But the photographers weren't fired.

Bronx Mowgli?

Sigh.

The title of this post is the name of the newborn child of lipsyncher Ashlee Simpson and her husband, musician Pete Wentz. Yes, it sounds familiar 'cause name one is a borough in NYC, and name two derives from Jungle Book or something by Rudyard Kipling.

I have to do this post once a year, but it always comes with a different motivation.

Once, several years ago, after a colleague and I left a crime scene - murder scene to be exact - in a particularly depressed neighborhood, he commented to the effect that he was baffled as to why some poor people give their kids terrible names. In this case, we'd met a young girl named Chardonnay or some other alcoholic beverage.

I knew what he was talking about. In fact, the U.S. Census Bureau releases a list of off-the-wall names that people have given their kids each year. It's inevitable that the list always includes a few automobiles, some canned vegetables or fruit, and lots of booze.

But my rebuttal to my colleague was that he might not have thought twice about that name if the neighborhood we'd visited had been upscale.

My point is money colors the way we interpret people's actions.

Crazy poor people are just crazy. Crazy rich people are artistic.

Take the late recluse Howard Hughes, for example: If he hadn't been rich some of his actions would have been interpreted as pure lunacy or the effects of a sad, sad, mental illness. Because he was rich though, he was considered mentally ill, to be sure, but also a creative genius with a tortured soul.

So when people in the 'hood or the trailer park give their kids crazy names we say or think to ourselves that they must be nuts to do that to their kids. It's because we know that when those kids grow up, if they haven't managed to improve their lots in life, the most memorable thing about them will be the names they had no say in.

I got picked on enough just for being a geek. Luckily my name was just James.

So based on my family's net worth when I was a kid, there's no way my folks could have gotten away with naming me Butt Cheeks Burnett or something...unless, of course, they'd have been rich.

In which case all of their friends would have congratulated them for their creativity while wearing silk dinner jackets, standing around the fireplace in the Great Room talking about polo ponies, and speculating over snifters of Grand Marnier what sort of artist I'd grow up to be.

Televangelist Joel Osteen and the Prosperity Gospel

What's crackin' friends? Welcome to another bailout Monday, in which a reckless bank gets more money and reckless auto industry bosses get told to sit and spin on Capitol Hill for, um, being reckless.

Some of you may know that I am a student of formal religion, an amateur, but a student nonetheless. What can I tell you? I'm a geek who is always curious about how people worship - if they worship - and who or what they worship. And no, I don't think my father being a minister had anything to do with my dull hobby. Seriously, I don't.

So over the past couple of years I've been hearing more and more about this preacher from Houston, Joel Osteen. I've heard people say he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, and I've heard people say that he's delusional 'cause his sermons tend to be one-track messages that if you believe that good things will happen for you, they will, because God, on the strength of your faith, will make it so.

Can we say twist on Norman Vincent Peale, anyone?

So I finally managed to catch Osteen on television a few months ago and watched several of his sermons. And sure enough, they were all about what Kanye West might call "The Good Life." Themes to the effect of If you're down, don't be! Be up! Being up is much better! If you're broke, believe you won't be, and soon enough you'll have cash in your pocket! Of course, I'm oversimplifying. Respectfully, the sermons were  more complex and involved Osteen's exhortations to have faith. Then today I read this article in one of my old newspapers about a recent Osteen concert.

And I won't lie. I found the tone of his messages uplifting. But at the same time I was bothered by a missing element of reality in his messages - the element that addresses heartbreak that doesn't come with a quick fix, failure in spite of ambition, persistent tragedy, etc. You know, the kinds of things that Average Joe and Average Jane deal with everyday but you never hear about 'em in the news?

My open-minded side says maybe religious folks need positive-only messages, since they're probably immensely aware of the negative things in life without some guy in an expensive suit reminding them.

But my cynical side says it's easy to subscribe to a philosophy that tells you to use your faith like The Force to think your negativity out of existence, when you preside over a ministry that brings in more than $70 million a year. And it's easy to tell your parishioners and fans that true prosperity is about health and happiness and spiritual and mental wholesomeness - all "free" things, when after you've delivered that message you pass around collection buckets so that they can share with you that other kind of prosperity, the green kind.

But I'm not here to poke fun at anyone. Well, I am, but not in this particular case. Worship how you want, if you want, and if you believe positive thinking alone, or more than anything else will make your life better, then more power to ya. When we meet and compare notes down the line, you can tell me how that worked out for you.

Still, I'll leave you with this food for thought: Keeping in mind that I am a religion junkie, there was something about the nature of Osteen's message that seemed vaguely familiar to me. And then I remembered. It seems to be a modern, more polished incarnation of the messages of the late evangelist A.A. Allen and Dr. Frederick Eikerenkoetter AKA Rev. Ike from back in the day.

If you're my age - 30s - or younger, you probably don't know about either of these men, unless you too are an egghead. But if you're my folks' age - late 50s - or older then I'll bet you've heard of 'em.

In the late 1970s, at the height of his popularity, Rev. Ike preached a prosperity message that, for all intents and purposes, said that if your faith was strong enough all the good things you wanted out of life should happen for you.

Allen, who died in in 1970 of liver failure caused by alcoholism (with a name like A.A.?), also preached a prosperity gospel.

The funny thing is when Rev. Ike and Rev. Allen used to preach prosperity and positive thinking they were called con men by mainstream cultural critics. Osteen gets love and accolades. What has changed about how we view this brand of formal religion? That question isn't rhetorical. If you have a theory, I'd like to hear it.

Anyway, I'm not saying Osteen is a con man. I told you, I found his style of delivery very uplifting. And apparently so do millions of other people...people who, unlike me, give money to his ministry.

But just for fun I'll leave you with this legend about A.A. Allen.

They say that like many preachers Allen used to collect cash offerings after his sermons. But unlike many preachers, either Allen or his ushers would toss the cash in the air, and as it floated he would say "What goes up is the Lord's, and what comes down is mine!"

Given the evidence of gravity on our planet, you can probably guess who hung onto that cash.

Ashley Dupre, Eliot Spitzer, Hookergate, and Trick Turner

Morning folks, I thought we might start the day off with a little discussion of Hookergate, co-starring Ashley Dupre and former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer.

You may recall that Spitzer's political career came to a grinding halt, and he was forced to resign last spring, when it came out that he had been paying several thousand dollars an hour to hook up with Ms. Dupre.

By the way Trick Turner has absolutely no relevance to this discussion. I just wrote that down 'cause I've always thought it would be a cool stage name for a porn star or, um, a trick turner. And did you know there is a Hookergate School in the UK? I wonder what their mascot is.

But I digress. I was struck in a bad way this morning by news that Ms. Dupre has yet another interview scheduled - next up with Diane Sawyer for ABC's 20/20 news magazine - on the media tour she's undertaken over the past week or so.

When this edition of Hookergate first erupted in March, Dupre was unapologetic, not at all a disciple of the takes-two-to-tango school of thought, essentially suggesting that Spitzer was the lone culprit in that mess, and insisting that she was merely an impressionable young pawn ripped from the gritty 'hood, and earning a buck several thousand bucks the only way she knew how.

Later, it was learned that her rough, gritty, childhood was about as real as the biography that Vanilla Ice sold us back in the day of him coming from the mean streets of Miami, as opposed to the Dallas, Texas, 'burbs. Dupre had actually come from a relatively well off family and by most credible accounts had been a well cared for child.

So with that revelation in mind, here's why her media tour, which I'm guessing will lead to a book deal and/or an original movie on the Lifetime Network, bugs the crap outta me: It's not really redemption if you were never in those dire straights.

I get that trading sex for dollars means you've fallen pretty low. But I'm saying unlike a lot of people who find themselves there, Dupre had pretty solid means to avoid that life but chose it anyway.

I'm a reasonable guy, open-minded to the extent I really do believe that people deserve second (and third, and fourth, and many more chances) to redeem themselves and become productive, non-toxic members of society.

There are times I see people who've done bad things, ranging from distasteful to seriously criminal. And my immediate reaction tends to be screw 'em. They brought it on themselves. But it's inevitable that my tone softens and my role goes from critic to cheerleader if, for example, I learn later that the guy who was caught stealing $100 worth of groceries has five hungry kids at home and is unemployed due to injury. His act was wrong and technically criminal, but under the circumstances I understood it. That coupled with his apparent remorse compels me to endorse a helping hand up for him.

And then there's the drug addict with whom I'm annoyed for lacking self control, until I learn she became addicted as an impressionable 10-year-old who accepted a free sample from a sidewalk pharmacist in her neighborhood.

So giving bad actors a spotlight and opening a door for them that leads to potential fame and income is not a bad thing in and of itself. Seriously, rewarding people who turn tricks, solicit trick turners, slide down poles without the benefit of being fire fighters, deal drugs, etc., can be just fine. I write about people like that all the time. If you didn't see it yesterday here's my latest shameles self promotion article on such a person.

The difference in these people and folks like Ashley Dupre is that her ilk has the means early in life to do the right thing, and lacks the incentive to do desperate things. They don't grow up in trouble, get immersed deeper in it as they grow into adulthood and then struggle their way out. Nor do they work hard and earn big fame, fall from grace, and scrap their way back from the fall.

They grow up with support systems and decent family, voluntarily shun those support systems, willingly seek out trouble, get busted while engaged in trouble, and then do media tours and offer formulaic apologies - in Dupre's case to Spitzer's wife - not for redemptive purposes but as a precursor to the fame they hope will fall into their laps. But hey, fame in your lap is probably safer than a paid-by-the-hour set of genitals in your lap.

You know how they say that one vote counts? Well, so does one viewer. And as much as I enjoy 20/20, I won't be watching this Friday...not that ABC will care, mind you, but you get the picture.

Miami Man Wins MTV Reality Show From G's to Gents

Another article on a guy who gets a second (or third or fourth or fifth) chance to straighten up and fly right.

Books, Bonding, or Boob Tube? "Experts" say the answer reflects your happiness.

According to a University of Maryland study, out today, the more you read or spend your leisure time socializing the happier you're likely to be.

Conversely the more leisure time you spend watching TV the less happy you're likely to be, the study says.

Interestingly enough, the study also says that unhappy people are perfectly content or "happy" with the role television plays in their lives.

The study's authors surveyed 30,000 people and examined data collected over a 30-year period.

I don't know how right or wrong they are, but I'll say the study makes sense. If you're spending the bulk of your non-working time sitting in front of a TV - especially if you're sitting there alone, that's kind of sad. So I can see the whole "unhappy" equation.

And while I'm no scientist it also makes sense to me that reading, because it probably requires more brain power, can make you more satisfied, or happier.

And the socializing thing? That's pretty self explanatory. Humans are meant to be social creatures. Fulfilling that instinct has to help your happiness level.

Which category do you fall in? I like to think I'm happy. I mean I do read a lot. Mrs B. and I probably don't go out with friends as often as we should. But we socialize. I admit though I watch way too much TV - at least too much by my standards.

Eh, two out of three isn't bad.

Friday Roundup

What's crackin' friends? Another business week draws to an end, and I couldn't be happier.

No fanfare here, just our usual list of musings. Please weigh in.

• Murder - Another tragic case of a kid killing another kid unfolded in South Florida this week. Apparently one teenage girl had a crush on another teenage girl but was rejected. The reject brought a gun to school and shot the object of her admiration. The shame of all this is the murder will be politicized in a matter of days. I give till early next week before someone tries to use this as a call for gun control or better school security (the school has metal detectors, but they were apparently turned off and unmanned the day of the killing). Instead - in my humble opinion - there needs to be a greater effort to groom kids at home so that their brains are wired in such a way that shooting someone for not dating you would never cross their minds. Seriously, if I shot every girl who rejected me in my middle and high school years, I'd be a serial killer. Two lives tossed. Damn shame.
• Random Movie Crap - Finally got around to watching Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer last night, 'cause I wasn't willing to pay for it in theaters. And I'm still puzzled about a few things. Is it really necessary for that fiery dude to yell "flame on!" before he sparks up and flies away? I mean, if he doesn't say that will he not ignite? What if he had a slip of the tongue and shoulted "fame on?" Would it work then? Or is yelling "flame on" like yelling "four" on a golf course - only meant to be an advanced warning that a flaming super hero will be passing by shortly? Also, not to be pervy, but Ben Grimm is made of stone. How do he and his girlfriend have a love life, since she's made of meat and skin like the rest of us? And what about "relief" - do kidney stones even matter to him? Just curious. I know, too much time on my hands last night.
• A Fair Question in Politics - Question number 20 on the extensive job application-questionnaire for positions in President-elect Barack Obama's administration asks applicants to "please provide the names and details of any individuals and organizations with which you or your spouse have been associated with which (sic) might present a conflict of interest with your proposed federal office or have the potential for embarrassment." So whether your a fan of the president-elect or not, do you think this question could keep him from getting a job in his own administration, 'cause of past affiliations that "have the potential for embarrassment?" Don't get mad. Just askin'.
• Weird - For some reason I find this tidbit odd. If you don't have time to follow the link it's about a study Folio did on an annual lifestyle magazines survey. One of the results of the study was that the average age of readers of Seventeen magazine is 27. Hmmm. And the average age of Teen Vogue readers is 25.8. Could explain the number of clueless adults - albeit younger adults - still trying to dress like they haven't finished high school.
• Disturbing - With this news that obese kids have the arteries of 45-year-olds, I wonder if all those "funny" ad campaigns aimed at scaring kids away from cigarettes haven't been misdirected. Instead of only spending that money criticizing cartoon characters like Joe Camel for subconsciously urging kids to suck smoke into their lungs, maybe some of those ads should be criticizing Donald CrackRonald for using his kiddie attractions to get kids to suck fatty foods down their throats.
• The Body of Christ - If this guy really does believe literalistic teachings about church communion, then he's a cannibal.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Take that, Classmates.com!

Have you ever opened your email inbox and seen one of those Classmates.com messages, claiming that someone you went to high school with was looking for you?

How about everyday? I've lost count of the number of emails I've received saying things like "19 classmates looked up your name."

I have said for at least a year now that if I had the time and disposable income I'd try to take a court-sanctioned bite out of Classmates.com's arse, not as part of a get rich quick scheme, but on principle. Those emails are annoying at best, and fraudulent at worst.

Anyway, after a while you should gather that those messages are very likely fake. But if you don't figure that out, then you become San Diego resident Anthony Michaels, who after receiving an email from Classmates.com that old school mates were searching for him, whipped out the plastic and upgraded his Classmates.com account from the free version that lots of folks - including me - signed up for a few years ago, to the premium paid version.

Naturally, after he'd paid and gained access to the "premium" site, he learned that no one was looking for him at all, least of all his high school classmates. And so Michaels has filed a federal lawsuit against Classmates.com for bending him over and blowing smoke...you get the picture.

So while I'd love to snicker at Michaels for looking under the wrong coconut shell in his hunt for the card Classmates.com had apparently hidden, I'll save my laughs for that site.

Mr. Michaels, if you want to find old classmates, or better yet if you'd like to know if they want to find you, then open Facebook and MySpace accounts...for free. Then sit back and wait. If your old buddies want to find you they will.

As for you, Classmates.com? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Bout time!

I'm heading for NASA

I may not be literally heading for the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, but if this article is true I have gotten 10 pounds smarter over the past couple of months. And by my math that makes me fit to build a rocket.

Seven post-election observations

• Emotions - Obama's victory speech and the sight of 200,000-plus people cheering and weeping in Grant Park really moved me in a way I haven't been moved since I saw Denzel Washington speak upon winning his first Best Actor Oscar, since I saw my dad preach his first sermon, and since I saw my dad accept his medal for earning U.S. Navy Sailor of the Year back in the day. And for you bitter folks who consider this your "A-ha!" moment, 'cause you see a pattern, save your breath. I'm not talking politics, policy, or partisanship here. I'm talking history and the fact that this election will go down as a classic "Only in America" moment.
• Technology - They started off kind of goofy, but by the end of the night I was diggin' CNN's holograms. Sure, they were a little "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobe; you're my only hope." But hey, if you don't try anything new, you don't make any progress.
• Speeches - I thought McCain's concession speech was gracious and at the end reflective of the reputation he's cemented over the years for building bridges across partisan lines. I wish he would've spent a little less time on the racial/historical significance of Obama's victory, considering Obama barely mentioned race in his speech. But I could be reading too much into it. Maybe McCain was simply as moved by the historical aspect of the moment, as a lot of other folks. Bottom line, it was a gracious speech, and if Obama is smart he'll accept that olive branch and start planning some non-partisan action with McCain ASAP. As for Obama's speech, it too was gracious and, I thought, completely void of gloating. I was dreading he'd give a feature film-length speech, sort of like Bill Clinton used to do. But he kept it reasonably short.
• Mythology - This one's directed mostly at my fellow journalists, particularly the ones, who like me have permanent tans. If you, like me, have received a bunch of snarky messages this morning from people telling you things to the effect of "Congrats, your guy won," here's how you respond: You explain that the "brother pass" - referred to crassly in some quarters as the ghetto pass - is about as real as the fleece that Jason's Argonauts sought or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and a Barack Obama presidency will not be an episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? If, for example, I under perform at work, I will not be able to tell my boss I want to call a friend, and get Obama on the other line to bail me out. If I break a law, I won't be able to tell the courts I want to use a lifeline and have Obama order them to give me a mulligan. In terms of basic function, life remains as it did yesterday: My pockets are still thin, the economy still sucks, there remain wars and rumors of wars, and no amount of textbook-altering history is going to change that. So don't get mad at me 'cause the black guy won, or else every time a white guy wins something - even Employee of the Week - I'm gonna start sending you flowers and candy.
• Conspiracy Theories - Counting down the minutes before some wingnut speculates on talk radio or the Web that Michelle Obama was wearing a black and red dress to reveal her affinity for Communist colors.
• One liners - Best of the night goes to Steven Colbert on Comedy Central, for congratulating the U.S. for electing it's first Hawaiian president.
• Questions - Who will take the biggest share of the blame for the outcome of the election: McCain himself, Sarah Palin, the Republican National Committee, or the mainstream media?