This post is not about a kinky sex ring involving showers of animal pee.
Moving right along, it is an attempt at a serious story about a Minnesota man who got fed up with repeat visits from high school vandals who left his house draped in toilet paper.
Scott Edward Wagar of Willmar, Minn., says he told the kids to cut it out. They kept coming back. This particular evening he was ready. Wagar, wearing night vision goggles, saw the TPee-ers coming, swore at 'em, and told 'em to leave his property. After he determined they weren't leaving, Wagar opened fire...with a Super Soaker water rifle filled with fox pee.
My response to this story? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Bet they won't TP any other angry hunter's homes. I'm assuming he's a hunter, 'cause if he isn't I'm expecting a follow-up article about what types of people keep a stash of fox pee at home.
The local prosecutor's response? On Wednesday he formally charged Wagar with misdemeanor assault, theft, and disorderly conduct for the pee gunnery, his reluctance to return a cell phone that one kid left behind and a brief wrestling match he engaged in with one male vandal.
I never got into TP-ing houses in high school 'cause I had funnier things to do. I could never get the TP to unravel as it flew. And I had at least one insane neighbor who might have shot me...with a real gun.
For the record, I am anti-pee-spraying-of-teenagers. On the other hand, am I nuts for thinking that Wagar didn't do anything worthy of criminal charges? I'm not ready to give him a ticker tape parade 'cause pee-spraying sounds gross. But I'd buy him a pint if I saw him in my favorite
watering hole juice bar. I'm thinking at most he should've gotten a verbal warning from the sheriff to call 911 next time.
The kids got off easy. Wagar could have been bat poop crazy and sprayed them with bullets instead of pee. Their folks could've been planning funerals. Instead the kids just had to shower and bathe in tomato juice.
I'm never gonna be that old grumpy guy in the neighborhood who chases kids off his lawn. And I say that while thinking "there, but for the grace of God go I," 'cause I really love my lawn, my trees, etc. And messing with a man's property is one of those potentially do-at-your-own-risk things.
I'm too pretty to go to jail over some prankster kids, but consider this:
About a month ago vandals went up and down my block spraying white paint on the backs and tail lights of virtually every car in sight. That night my car was parked on the street and not in our secure, gated driveway. But guess whose car was the only one on the block unscathed that night?
I hope we were spared 'cause the kids I don't know on our block aren't quite sure about my temperament. Good. I'd rather they worry that I'm not a punk than think I'm an easy target for a prank.
So kids if you're reading this, don't worry, I don't own a Super Soaker...But I will spray you with a 12.5-on-the-boot-scale Kung Fu kicks to the arse. And if your parents raised you in the school of thought that says pranks are your harmless release of frustrated creativity, I'll kick them too.
Forget the Dark Knight. Tell your friends that Bootman may be watching!