Obama Wizardry

So apparently my secret is out.

I'm in my neighborhood grocery right now to pick up things to set me right after a sick day.

And as I was parking my car a few minutes ago, a guy driving toward me the wrong way up the one-way lane called me a nigger - that's right; "N-word" is too sterile, inaccurate. Makes us squirm less- as he passed by me. Guess i was in his way.

I'm assuming Jesus is polishing my Sainthood plaque right now, 'cause my inner Madman begged to come out and beat him like my name was Daddy and he owed me money.

Alas, I am too pretty to go to jail, so I simply offered him a salute of sorts, and as he weezily dragged his considerable heft into the store I gave him a look and told him "I heard you," grumble, grumble - loosely translated: I heard you, and I'm telling you as much from just 10 feet away, so that you realize if I didn't have self control I could easily take three big steps and punch you in your chins." I pray he read between the lines and interpreted my hidden meaning.

But even richer than his calling me a nigger was his walking-rapidly-away political commentary that "Obama gets elected and you guys think you own everything!"

I didn't pursue. Again, I'm too pretty to go jail.

But you see why I'm so distraught. My secret is out. Since Obama took office I've taken ownership of nearly everything around me. Much like my toddler nephew I need only point at something and shout "mine!" in a shrill voice. And it happens.

In fact, thanks to Obama I have no rules! I can run red lights, pimp slap your mom and skip her in line at my favorite restaurant. Once I pretended like I was gonna run over a guy in a wheelchair in a crosswalk marked by a sign of a guy in a wheelchair. And when a cop approached, I cackled insanely and flashed "the sign" (it's really just a big "O" formed w/ both hands.) and watched h shrug helplessly as I drove away. I don't even plan on paying taxes again till he's out of office, 'cause well, you know...the "brotherhood?"

Now the president is gonna have to change the number to that red bat phone in the Oval Office, 'cause a racist, bad driver at Publix discovered our secret alliance.

Seriously, I hope Jesus and the rest of the Super Friends remember my patience some day.

PS. Follow me, please, at Twitter.com/jamesburnett.

Blog posted here.


TrackBack URL for this entry:

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Obama Wizardry:


Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.


I think the only solution is to become a hermit.

My disdain for my fellow man is growing daily. When contemptible behavior such as this barely blips my radar, radical isolation is looking ever so sweet.

BTW, I have actually decided to flee your country. I am returning to my native Canada, so if you see Wavemanns commenting in a couple of months you will know my exodus was successful.

James B.

Wavemancali, I feel ya. If not for the wife and the pets I'd feel the same way...or close to it. Good luck back home, and when I get back to Canada I'll shoot you an email. If I'm in your area maybe we can tip a pint. But don't let your move stop you from commenting and forcing me to defend my positions on this blog.

Take care.


James no matter how far we go as a country there is always going to be some person who cannot go beyond the level of their own intelligence. I have received the same type cat calls through out life. If you choose violence to strike back you sink to their level. He does need an arse whipping though! By the way you and I do own it all its called being an American citizen! God Bless. You should still run for something Miami needs honest politicians!

PS People like that assure me that we are higher up in human evolution!


I'm convinced that the "Obama won and now......." is an easy catchall for ignorant people who don't have a better argument.

The guy you described sounded generally miserable = it's your fault and Obama's fault. Plus, there are a lot of people who don't think you (Black man) have the right to walk on the same sidewalks as them, or got to the same schools or churches. So they take every opportunity to inform you that president Obama's win doesn't mean a thing. ;{


Just a sick reminder that we can't legislate sanity.


Wait: you're black?

The comments to this entry are closed.

Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise