So apparently my secret is out.
I'm in my neighborhood grocery right now to pick up things to set me right after a sick day.
And as I was parking my car a few minutes ago, a guy driving toward me the wrong way up the one-way lane called me a nigger - that's right; "N-word" is too sterile, inaccurate. Makes us squirm less- as he passed by me. Guess i was in his way.
I'm assuming Jesus is polishing my Sainthood plaque right now, 'cause my inner Madman begged to come out and beat him like my name was Daddy and he owed me money.
Alas, I am too pretty to go to jail, so I simply offered him a salute of sorts, and as he weezily dragged his considerable heft into the store I gave him a look and told him "I heard you," grumble, grumble - loosely translated: I heard you, and I'm telling you as much from just 10 feet away, so that you realize if I didn't have self control I could easily take three big steps and punch you in your chins." I pray he read between the lines and interpreted my hidden meaning.
But even richer than his calling me a nigger was his walking-rapidly-away political commentary that "Obama gets elected and you guys think you own everything!"
I didn't pursue. Again, I'm too pretty to go jail.
But you see why I'm so distraught. My secret is out. Since Obama took office I've taken ownership of nearly everything around me. Much like my toddler nephew I need only point at something and shout "mine!" in a shrill voice. And it happens.
In fact, thanks to Obama I have no rules! I can run red lights, pimp slap your mom and skip her in line at my favorite restaurant. Once I pretended like I was gonna run over a guy in a wheelchair in a crosswalk marked by a sign of a guy in a wheelchair. And when a cop approached, I cackled insanely and flashed "the sign" (it's really just a big "O" formed w/ both hands.) and watched h shrug helplessly as I drove away. I don't even plan on paying taxes again till he's out of office, 'cause well, you know...the "brotherhood?"
Now the president is gonna have to change the number to that red bat phone in the Oval Office, 'cause a racist, bad driver at Publix discovered our secret alliance.
Seriously, I hope Jesus and the rest of the Super Friends remember my patience some day.
PS. Follow me, please, at Twitter.com/jamesburnett.
Blog posted here.