Burnettiquette

Tiny Giant, Jumbo Shrimp, Mandatory Gratuity

A young couple in Bethelehem, Pa., was arrested on theft charges recently when they refused to pay an 18% tip that had been rolled into their restaurant tab, 'cause they insisted service was so bad their waiter didn't deserve a tip.

Pope and John Wagner had a meal with friends at Lehigh Pub in Bethelehem and waited for about an hour for their food. They also had to fetch their own napkins and silverware.

When they got their $73 tab, they noticed the 18% gratuity had been rolled into the bill. So they told the head bartender that service was whack, paid him for the food and tax, and prepared to leave.

The bartender, most certainly a weasel considering his next move, called the police and reported the Wagners had stiffed the restaurant.

Charges probably won't stick. So this was all a big fat waste of tax $$$.

So I'm clear, if service is good you must tip. If you don't you suck and will suffer bad karma. There are few less rewarding jobs than waiter/waitress, save eye booger cleaner in a room full of allergy sufferers, or toilet-paper-roll-replacer in a busy nightclub or airport bathroom.

And if you have a really high tab, I don't have a problem with a restaurant adding an 18% or 20% tip to your bill and marking it clearly as such.

That's sometimes necessary to combat the tiny-minded person who thinks it's a sin to tip more than $5 or $10, even when their total bill is several hundred dollars.

But if service is bad, I don't have a problem with you tipping accordingly.

I've made exceptions. Mrs. B and I have been out to eat and gotten lousy service, and just as I prepared to teach the waiter/waitress a lesson for not being nicer, one or both of us noticed a tear in their eye or a miserable look on their face. And it struck us that they were having a bad day and that a bad tip would teach them nothing. It would just make them bitter and add to their bad day.

Still, a theft charge for not tipping? Harsh. Nothing gratuitous about that.

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Ten things that surprise me...or maybe not

• Levi Johnston, former almost son-in-law to Sarah & Todd Palin and father of their only grandchild, exposed his junk for Playgirl magazine.
• Playgirl magazine still exists.
• In her new book, Going Rouge Rogue, Sarah Palin bit the hands that fed her. And relax, Palin fans. I'm neither bashing the GOP or hockey moms. You should know this already. But just in case, "Bit the hand" is just a figure of speech, not a comparison to a dog or any other mammal large enough to hold a hockey stick or wear lipstick. Anywho, setting aside your political leanings, you have to believe that any reining in done by McCain staffers during last fall's presidential election was done to help McCain - and therefore Palin - win the White House. To bash those staffers now over things like diet advice, wardrobe, Saturday Night Live, and media interviews is silly.
• The first missing kid whose picture was posted on the side of a milk carton is still missing 30 years later. Not making fun. It's a tragedy. But have you ever taken even 10 seconds to look closely at one of those milk carton pics and then kept an eye out for the kid? Me either. And I used to drink a lot of milk.
• In the "It was bound to happen" category: A young athlete with big potential did not drop out of college to turn professional. Nope, Jeremy Tyler broke a record. He dropped out of high school. That's right, Tyler, a 6'11" basketball phenom, quit San Diego High School after his junior year. You can't enter the National Basketball Association draft till you're 19. So the impatient Tyler stupidly signed a 1-year $140,000 (that's thousand, not million) contract with a pro team in Haifa, Israel, so he could polish his skills and raise his profile till he becomes eligible to play in the U.S. Here's the shocker: Tyler's Haifa experiment is going very badly A good crossover dribble is great. Tyler's suck-ups (parents, friends, etc.) should have told him reading is fundamental, 'cause at the rate he's going, he may never make it to the NBA.
• The U.S. Army gave a bogus story...at first about the circumstances surrounding the murders committed at Fort Hood recently by Army Maj. Nidal Hasan - everything from who took him down, to whether he'd made any declarations involving his religion, to whether he was alive or not, following the shooting. Why?
• Andre Agassi's early-to-mid 1990s power mullet was actually a pelt. I would have written about this sooner, like right after Agassi admitted it in his new book. But the shock was too great for me.
• This one falls into the Hell-must-exist-for-people-like-this category: A woman in Texas faked breast cancer, so she could collect donations and use 'em to pay for breast implants. She got the implants.
• Carrie Prejean has more sex tapes, eight total. So if the first that she admitted to was "the biggest mistake of (her) life," as she told Sean Hannity on his Fox News Channel show, then where on the sliding scale of mistakes do the other seven tapes fall? Lesson: It's OK to take a moral stance on something, even if your stance is unpopular. If you're really principled, then popularity shouldn't phase you. On the other hand, before you take "principled" stands that involve finger-wagging, news conferences, and making the talk show rounds, you'd better make sure you don't have any closet skeletons that will negate your self-righteousness in the eyes of the general public. That's not caving in to popularity. That's just good sense. BTW, those of you, my friends, who always scold me for allegedly picking on sexually "free" people, leave me alone on this one. I'm not picking on Prejean for loving herself. But you gotta admit it was kind of very stupid to do it on tape, know the tapes were out there, and still go on a media blitz portraying herself as the picture of the new, modern, young "Christian soldier."
• This one from the Daily Mail in Britain: Universal Pictures, one of the film companies that frequently distributes to theaters worldwide movies so bad they might cause cancer, has been busted in the UK for deleting the images of African American actors Faison Love and Kali Hawk from promo posters for Couples Retreat. Asked to explain, Universal said it was innocently trying to "simplify" the poster for international audiences. Loosely translated, "simplify" in this context means "remove the scary black people so that our British audiences don't see the posters and get turned off to this film."

I told you about this...

What's crackin', friends and frienemies?

I hope you've all been well and have had a restful break from me blogging. See how I flipped that and put the onus on you for my absense? Man, I'm good. I should be a politician.

Anywho, I've been plotting my takeover of the world in recent weeks, starting with conquering the Internets.

On a more serious note, I wanted to write a quick something about a current homicide case unfolding in the Miami area.

In mid-September, 17-year-old Danny Rodriguez, a student at Coral Gables High School, fatally stabbed classmate Juan Carlos Rivera, also 17, on campus.

Since then speculation, based on what friends and family of both young men had to say, was that this murder was largely about a fight over a girl.

And it turns out that was part of it. But what actually prompted the murder, the morning of Sept. 15th? A "mean mug," or as Rodriguez told police in interrogation video released yesterday, a "bad face."

Yep, on the morning of the murder Rivera gave too tough a look to Rodriguez and took a knife in the gut and the back for it.

Some of you not familiar with the urban colloquialism of "mean mug" may think it's a stretch that a "bad look" could prompt a murder in any but an insane person, but consider it a sign of the times.

When I covered crime back in the day, I wrote about murder cases in which the otherwise "normal" suspect took a life over a scuffed shoe, flirting with another man's girlfriend, scratching another man's car bumper, and so on. I could go on and the "motives" would get even more trite, but I think you get the point.

So I have to say I'm not surprised, not even a little bit.

May Rivera rest in peace.

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My Friday Column: Practical Environmentalism Through Priorities

Happy Friday, friends and frienemies.

Today's Miami Herald Metro column is about how to get average people to care about the environment.

But don't let that one line lead you to assume you know the direction this story takes. Give it a read here.

A hint for you: We prioritize what we need, whether that's food, shelter, work, money, transportation, or something less serious. When we don't need, we de-stress. When we de-stress, we care about our surroundings, ie. our environment - our literal surroundings and the environment as we think of it by traditional definitions.

Anyway, check out the column, and don't forget to follow me at: http://twitter.com/jamesburnett.

My Friday Column: To snitch or not to snitch

What's crackin' folks? Happy Friday to you.

My column in today's Miami Herald is about a kid who sort of bucked a national trend and "snitched" on another kid who was trying to commit a theft. The kid who reported the attempted theft got second and third-degree burns for his trouble, when the other kid rounded up several friends, tracked down the "snitch" and set him on fire.

We have this tunnel vision - some of us do, anyway - that says "stop snitching" is an urban phenomenon that takes place in the so-called 'hood and (only) involves gangbangers and wannabe rappers and poverty-stricken people who fear gangbangers and wannabe rappers.

In reality though, "stop snitching" is an American phenomenon. It's as classic as apple pie and Ballpark franks. It is pervasive in police departments, in the military, among athletes who know damned well that teammates are abusing 'roids, among young siblings, etc.

And so when something like this happens, we all shake our fists and say "How dare they set this kid on fire!" But our culture says something else, because "snitching" is discouraged no matter what we say on our soapboxes.

Anyway, read the column here.

Prison Inmate Plastic Surgery on Taxpayer Dime: Right, Wrong?

Before I even give you this scenario, I can tell you right now I say "No!" Seriously, (almost) no gray area for me.

Now, here's the deal: Daryl Strenke, 45, is serving 30 years in a Wisconsin prison as part of a 60-year sentence, for murdering his ex-girlfriend, the first half of what he apparently planned to be a murder-suicide.

Strenke lured Samantha Verby out of her home, blasted her in the face with a shotgun, with her 7-year-old daughter a few feet away, and then turned the gun on himself.

While aiming at himself Strenke suddenly became a bad shot and instead of dying, mangled his face.

His mother says he's "tortured" daily by the physical pain caused by his self-inflicted injuries...again, self inflicted after he shot his recent ex-girlfriend point blank in the face.

Drumroll, please! The Wisconsin Department of Corrections is about to embark on a series of expensive cosmetic surgeries, at taxpayer expense, to repair Strenke's face and ease his pain.

They say, it's their obligation to provide medical care to inmates, because inmates are wards of the state. I get that argument, and I actually agree with it, if the medical care is either basic "maintenance" stuff or emergency care to save an inmate's life or prevent his death.

But no one with the WDoC will say whether Strenke's disfigurement and related issues make for a life or death situation. His mother says though that the surgery is needed 'cause he can't speak clearly, he's in constant pain, and since he shot his teeth off all his food has to be puréed. So he's in pain, can't chew solid food, and has difficulty talking.

Should he get the surgery, and should the state pay for it?

You already know my answer. I'd say 30 years in prison with physical pain and disfigurement serving as a daily reminder that you murdered someone is a fair trade off. My one exception would be if Strenke's family/supporters can pay for the surgery themselves.

Follow me, please: http://twitter.com/jamesburnett.

Cop Talk

Interesting story on NPR today about some police departments experimenting with plain English.

I've always been curious about the 10-signals (like 10-4, etc.) cops have used on the street - not about what they mean, 'cause as a crime reporter back in the day I had a lot of 'em memorized, but rather why they used them instead of just describing what they were encountering.

The two logical answers that most police agencies cite are that using a 10-signal is a lot faster than giving a normal description, and a 10-signal gives them a little privacy from criminals and other curious folks or weirdos who might be listening in on them.

I get the speed argument, but the privacy thing is a farce. When I was covering crime I had a couple of friends who drove around with police radios in their cars for fun. One guy even kept one on his nightstand, much to the chagrin of his wife. That pair? They had memorized every signal in use by their local police department, and they had even deciphered a lot of the cop slang used in idle chatter over the radio. There are lots of folks out there like these two. When the cops in that town wanted privacy they had to go to a secure channel not accessible by civilian police scanners, 'cause they know lots of folks were listening.

On the other hand, there's an argument to be made for making cops' actions as transparent as possible. It could protect the innocent who are falsely accused - civilians as well asinnocent cops accused of misconduct.

Anyway, the Chattanooga (Tenn.) Police Department is one of the expirementers. They decided to try plain English after officers and other emergency personnel couldn't communicate with one another over the radio, following a bad storm a few years ago.

So now, instead of getting on the radio and telling a dispatcher "I've got a possible 414 or a 419 at a residential property," Chattanooga cops have been instructed to say things to the effect of "I see what may be a prowler or a burglar at a house."

Instead of jargon like "...making entry to suspect domicile," Chattanooga cops are encouraged to tell the dispatcher, "I'm going inside," or "I'm walking through the front door."

Makes sense to me!

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Friday Column: The myth of the lucrative drug deal

What's crackin' folks, and Whatever-emotion-you-want Friday to you.

So, today's column in the Miami Herald is about a young man convicted by a Miami jury yesterday of manslaughter for accidentally shooting and killing a 9-year-old honor student while she played outside her home. Damon Darling, 24, was apparently trading shots with another poorly-aiming knucklehead over a drug deal gone bad.

Now Darling is going away for a long time for the death of Sherdavia Jenkins. The outrage over her death is a given. And I'd be worried if the outrage wasn't there, or if the pinheads who wrote me a few weeks ago complaining that human deaths are no big deal because humans aren't innocent like animals dominated this discussion.

What was sort of overlooked a little was Darling's motivation for putting himself in a circumstance that led to him killing a little girl: He wasn't a drug dealer because he was desperate for money to help pay his sick grandmother's medical bills. He was a drug dealer, because he thought he could get rich quick, easily (the two are not synonymous in this case), or both.

And having written about crime for years, I know that Darling's belief about dealing was 99% myth. Most street level drug dealers are not "rich." Most never get rich. Most never even "earn" a livable wage and could probably make more money flipping burgers. And yet they cling to this Scar Face-esque dream, like the high school kid with two left feet who thinks he's going to the National Basketball Association.

Anyway, if you have three minutes, check out the column here.

And don't forget to follow me: http://twitter.com/jamesburnett. 

My Friday Column (Only three days late!): When Keepin' It Real Goes Wrong

What's crackin' friends and frienemies? An uneventful Monday to you.

So last Friday's column, which I neglected to post for you on Friday, was about the dangers of keepin' it real, at least in the context in which that phrase is commonly used these days.

The topic was timely for me, 'cause I was already planning to write about a group of successful men who've been gathering in a troubled neighborhood here in South Florida to talk with boys and young men about keeping their lives in order, staying focus, making something of themselves, etc.

The notion may seem generic, but until someone comes up with a better solution - like forcing parents at gunpoint to spend quality time with their impressionable sons - then I applaud any man who will take time out of his day to share with kids who aren't his the story of how he made it, and how they can too.

But it wasn't all uplifting speech. The main speaker at the group's gathering last week had planned to speak to the boys and young men about building character. Then he heard about the beating death in Chicago of 16-year-old honor student Derrion Albert, by alleged gang members. So he decided to alter his talk about to address the issue of the gang members who are charged with killing Albert committing that murder, because he inadvertently interrupted their rumble, and they "had to" punish him.

They kept it real. Now, they're likely going to prison for decades, if not life.

Using the definition that says a "real" man has to respond and react to every perceived slight, I've never been big on keepin' it real.

Like Dave Chappelle used to point out on his former Comedy Central series, keepin' it real can get you beaten up, fired, or locked up. Emphasis on that last one, 'cause I am too pretty to go to jail.

Anyway, if you have time, check out the column here.

BTW, follow me, please: http://twitter.com/jamesburnett.

Only in Florida: Raccoon Gang Jumps Elderly Woman

When a 74-year-old Lakeland, FL, woman tried to stop a band of raccoons from loitering in her yard by shooing them away, the racoons surrounded her and attacked.

Seriously, I won't even crack jokes, 'cause she was injured. They didn't bite her much, but Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said Gretchen Whitted "was filleted," the animals scratched her up so badly.

But the crazy thing about this to me is when Whitted shooed them, the racoons had the presence of mind to form a circle around her before attacking.

That's crazy! That's crazy on a Planet of the Apes level. I will never again look at two or more racoons the same way. And if I see two or more of them hanging out, whether in my yard or not, I'm gonna leave them alone.

Follow me, please: http://twitter.com/jamesburnett.