Burnettiquette

Tweet Dreams!!!

I had a Twitter nightmare last night. No joke. I fell asleep peacefully enough, but as I drifted off I started dreaming about a Tweet someone sent me and that I responded to.

It wasn't a real Tweet. It was part of the dream.

But instead of the conversation ending there it grew more mundane and the replies wouldn't stop. And I couldn't figure out how to break free from the other Twit. Trying to get away from that conversation thread was futile, like trying to resist the Borg, or like trying to run up the down escalator - and not just any escalator, but rather one of those seemingly mile high, incredibly steep ones that lead to/fro' the subway in Atlanta.

Eventually I snapped awake in a sweat, trying figure out how Twitter had bored into my brain like a weevil.

That's it. No punchline. I swear that was my nightmare last evening.

Somewhere there's a metaphor or a parable or a simile or a Freudian meaning in this dream. Or maybe I'm just a loser who spends too much time on Twitter (and I spend just a fraction of the time that most of my friends and friendly colleagues do).

Until we figure it out though, follow me at http://twitter.com/jamesburnett.

The Cowboy Code: Delivering Reallllllly Bad News to an Ex

Have you ever hooked up with someone and then wondered later if you did the wrong thing?

Well, according to ABC News, if you get an email from an ex these days whose subject line starts off "You're too hot to be out of action...," don't delete it. It's probably not spam.

That subject line concludes "..."I got diagnosed with herpes since we played."

Yeah, I know. That's a messed up prank. Except it's really not. Seriously. If you have time, follow the link. ABC News profiles this public health Web site that allows people to send cutesy e-cards to former sex partners they may have infected with a sexually transmitted disease or two. The story says that the site grew out of an effort to use technology to help people keep partners informed and so on.

That part is admirable. Don't keep your crotch diseases secret. I get it. But I can't be the only person who wonders about the lack of civility that comes with informing a former partner through email that you may have infected them with something.

Now, as you may know, the Cowboy Code is generally a guide to male friendships with one another and a guide to understanding male behavior in relation to romance with women. But it is also a guide to good sense and courtesy for both men and women in relationships.

And I don't think I need to tell you that there are very few exceptions to when it's appropriate to share any kind of serious news over the Web or by phone with an ex-romantic partner.

In fact, I think that there are only two exceptions:

1. If you and an ex parted ways on reasonably good terms, geographically you and that ex live far apart these days, and you don't keep in close contact with that ex, then it's OK to tell them through email that your mom is sick, or your old dog died, or (this one's debatable) you're engaged.
2. The second exception would be that you simply write better than you speak. I don't know how many of us can say that. But if that applies to you, and it's not just an excuse to avoid seeing your ex, then at least write it the old-fashioned way - with pen, on paper. Be thoughtful, and include a phone number in the letter, in case your ex, after reading your letter, wants to call you and hash it out further.

Barring those exceptions, all serious news needs to be delivered face-to-face, unless you live so far apart that an in-person meeting just isn't practical.

It's bad enough breaking up with someone over the phone. But this takes the cake. If you kiss or otherwise swap fluids with someone, and they walk away with anything more than a warm fuzzy feeling...that doesn't require a shot of something that ends with "cilin," you owe them a face-to-face explanation.

Otherwise, you are guilty of the worst lack of Burnettiquette and are in clear violation of the Cowboy Code.

Cheating at high speed

So the topic on my weekly TV thingie this morning was a recent Divorce Magazine survey that revealed just 46% of men and a whopping 72% of women believe a cyber-affair constitutes cheating on one's significant other.

Keeping in mind that cyber-affairs are essentially Web versions of phone sex - romantic and/or dirty talk - with the added "bonus" of Web cams and so on, I have to confess I was surprised the men and women surveyed felt so differently about this.

I ain't delusional. I realize that to some guys a look is a look is a look, and a chat is a chat is a chat, and none of that necessarily crosses a line unless there's physical contact. Of course, the guys who usually believe that are guys who probably don't have really significant others anyway.

Guys who do have real wives or girlfriends or whatever, If you can work that deal out with them, I may think you're a freak, but more power to you. But you're never going to get around the fact that more women believe this is cheating because it requires an emotional bond. And it may even require a stronger emotional bond than an in person relationship, because you don't have physical contact....at least initially.

The survey also revealed this interesting tidbit about contact: Apparently, over the past 10 years the number of divorces caused by "Web-induced" cheating has skyrocketed to one-third of all divorces filed for in the U.S.

And how did they get to that point? Apparently, 30 % of people who have cyber-affairs, eventually have at phone conversations with their cheating partner, and those phone conversations have led to in-person meetings.

And 31% of cyber-cheaters admit that they have eventually met their Web partner and engaged in real sex.

So the bottom line is this, fellas...and ladies too, but to a lesser degree: As with phone sex with strangers, unless you and your partner have some kind of freaky arrangement (that you really shouldn't tell anyone about) save all your racy talk for her or him.

'Cause it's pretty clear that conversation and a keyboard can get you into all sorts of trouble.

Housekeeping

Two quick items for you:

1. Some of you have written me over the past week or so, saying when you try to comment on my blog, your comment is bounced back as spam. I've done some homework, and my good buddy Albert F. one of the Web gurus here at the Miami Herald, tells me that the naughty word filter we use is so intense that it sometimes finds naughty words where there are none. For example, the filter recently blocked a comment from our friend Claudia, 'cause it isolated "ass" in the name Claudiasskippingstones... Yeah, I know. That's harsh. At any rate, Albert is working on loosening up the filter so it doesn't block comments that way. And for those of you who want/need to cuss in your comments, you know me: I don't really care as long as what you're saying isn't blatantly, mean-spiritedly racist, sexually violent, or insulting to my wife...or my mother. So if your comments have been blocked, email me and let me know, so we can do something about it. In the mean time, until we get that filter fixed, if you must say anything stronger than "damn" try to use the watered down version of whatever word that is.
2. I used to do a better job of sharing my articles with you guys. But I got lazy. So if you're not a South Floridian and didn't read the Miami Herald or MiamiHerald.com on Monday, here is a link to my most recent article - a profile of a former Saturday Night Live cast member-turned-author.