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Merry Christmas! Now turn on the tube! Right now!

DisneyparadeI know, I know. The kids are crashing around like human pinballs, stuffed with enough Christmas-stocking sugar to keep them awake through Lincoln's birthday, they broke all their toys hours ago, and that baseball bat is starting to look mighty tempting. But you'll regret it if you bash in all their tiny little skulls -- maybe not very much or for a long time, but eventually; like when you see Nancy Grace camped out on the street in front of your house. So instead, just strap them down -- this is why I always tell people to keep extra duct tape on hand for the holidays -- prop them in front the TV, and tune in ABC at 10 a.m. (or 9 a.m. if you live in one of those heathen time zones to the west) and watch the 25th Walt Disney World Christmas Day Parade. Mary Poppins! Tinker Bell! Hannah Montana! Kelly and Regis! Dwarves! Blind guys! (Well, one: Jose Feliciano.) The Jonas Brothers! The Great Rodent Himself! Try to guess which ones are real and which ones are animatronic. Hey, is Regis breathing?...

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