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The eight most awful words in the English language: Maury Povich is here for your DNA sample

Damn that Paco! First he cybercheated on his wife Lyric with more than a thousand women! And she Maury forgave him! But then -- shockingly! -- Lyric caught him sleeping with somebody else! Now he says he's sorry!

''But do we forgive him?'' Maury Povich shouts, clutching his microphone like a thunderbolt in the fist of Zeus.

Nooooooooooo! shouts back the crowd gathered around the pool at the Westin Diplomat in Hollywood, not just the paid ringers in camera range but even the growing crowd of hotel guests outside the ropes, entranced by their chance encounter with this video judgment day for horndogs and harlots. They shriek their contempt for Paco. Also for Lamar and Isis, who downsized Ashley out of their three-way; Michelle, who cheated on Jamerich on their wedding day; and Jason, who faithlessly abandoned his wife for a video game! ''It drove her into the arms of another man!'' barks Povich. ``And eventually onto our show in need of a DNA test!''

I hung out with Maury last week as he taped his show. Read my full account in Sunday's Miami Herald.

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