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Read this quick, before ABC fires Jimmy Kimmel

Ever wonder what would happen if somebody slipped truth serum into the martinis at the network upfronts Kimmel in New York? I'm thinking it would sound a lot like Jimmy Kimmel's routine during ABC's presentation to advertisers Tuesday.

Kimmel on the quality of ABC's new shows:

“Let’s get real here. Let’s get Dr. Phil-real here. These new fall shows? We’re going to cancel about 90 percent of them. Maybe more.”

Kimmel on ABC's sales pitch to advertisers:

“Every year we lie to you and every year you come back for more. You don’t need an upfront. You need therapy. We completely lie to you, and then you pass those lies onto your clients.”

Kimmel on NBC jumping the upfront gun, unveiling its new shows two weeks ahead of everybody else:

“NBC got such a head start, they’ve already had time to cancel half their schedule.”

Kimmel on product-placement ads:

“Next year on Grey’s Anatomy, your product could kill Dr. Izzie. It just depends on how much you want to pay.”

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