ABC, apparently wanting to make dead-certain that everyone in America is sick unto death of the show, has scheduled five and a half hours -- that's right, FIVE AND A HALF HOURS -- of Lost-related programming on May 23, the date of the series finale. First, from 7 to 9 p.m., there's Lost: The Final Journey, a retrospective assigned the hopeless task of making sense of the previous six years of time travel, alt universes and cryptic silences. Then, from 9 to 11:30 p.m., there's the bloated whale of a finale itself. After breaking for local newscasts -- which, you can be sure, will lead with "news stories" about the end of Lost. ("Laurie, I'm here at Duffy's Tavern in West Miami, where the audience excitedly switched the TV to ESPN's Celebrity Chutes 'N Ladders about 20 minutes into the breathtaking Lost finale...")
And finally -- I pray to God, finally-- from 12:05 to 1:05 a.m., Jimmy Kimmel will do a Lost post-mortem including three alternate endings. Which I hope will include one where I get to travel back in time and rewrite the review where I said that "a talented ensemble cast led by Matthew Fox (Party of Five) and newcomer Evangeline Lilly keeps all the numerous subplots from tangling into a confused mess. Lost moves at such a brisk clip that you can't believe an hour has gone by when the final credits start rolling."