Watching the backlog of Desperate Housewives episodes on my TiVo over the weekend, I was a little startled by a scene between Eva Longoria and Vanessa Williams. Williams is trying to decide whether to reconcile with her baseball-star husband after catching him cheating on her. Murmurs Longoria: "Being married to a pro athlete -- it must be a nightmare." Wonder if Tony Parker's seen that one.
'Glee': The national security/proctology episode
If you're headed for the airport today to fly somewhere for Thanksgiving, don't worry: TSA agents will not be sticking their fingers in your various orifi after all. Instead, it'll be the cast of Glee.
Comcast has Harry Potter, but no hookers
Harry Potter nerds fans are in a frenzy waiting for the November 19 debut of the latest movie, Harry Potter and the Cannibal Hookers of Planet Zardoz. Oops, wait, that one doesn't start shooting until Lindsey Lohan gets off probation. I meant, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows -- Part 1. Anyway, the real point here is that you can get an early Harry Potter fix, or a bunch of them, if you've got cable service from Comcast.
Sneak-preview clips of Deathly Hallows are available now from Comcast's on-demand service as well as its XfinitytTV. They're among 75 pieces of Pottermania content, including behind the scenes, interviews with the actors and author J.K. Rowling, a historical overview of the films and other special features. Not to mention that the first five Potter flicks are available from Comcast on-demand for $9.75. I'm told that's a number of some significance to Potter geeksfans. And no, thanks, don't bother to write in to explain. Unless you're Lindsey Lohan.
The continued decline of the British empire
Once upon a time, the British were capable of standing alone and facing down Adolf Hitler. (Well, alone except for a few gazillion dollars worth of Lend-Lease military hardware from Franklin Roosevelt.) Now they seem content lie about their porches swilling Guinness and waving their UB-40s in a demanding manner. The latest example of Brit defeatism is the announcement of the Guardian's Charlie Brooker that he's calling it quits as a TV critic. His abjectly whiny explanation:
Why quit now?...Mostly because 11 years of essentially rewriting the phrase 'X is an arsehole haw haw haw' over and over until you hit the 650-word limit is enough for anyone.
Speak for yourself, you pathetic, pusillanimous punk. I intend to keep doing it until they pry my cold, dead fingers off either my computer keyboard or Leslie Moonves' throat, whichever comes first.
Drink tequila like a dissolute TV star!
On the season of HBO's inside-the-biz comedy Entouragethat just ended a few weeks back, hot young movie star Vincent Chase got involved with -- in descending order of destructiveness -- cocaine, porn star Sasha Grey, and Avion tequila. It turns out Avion, just like Sasha, is real -- and much less expensive. Better yet, it went on sale in Florida just this month. Depending on how much Avion is aged, a bottle goes for between $40 and $60.
Avion turned up on Entourage because one of the company's founders, Kenny Dichter is a buddy of the show's producer, Doug Ellin. Personally I'd rather be pals with Sasha, which I guess is why Kenny is a zillionaire distiller and I'm -- well, not. Anyway, I've tasted Avion, in somewhat more moderate quantities than Vincent Chase did, and it's pretty good. It doesn't really attract porn stars, though. At least not that I noticed.
Breaking news: New Hallmark Christmas special!
Hallmark has just announced an adaptation of The Zombie Night Before Christmas, Clement C. Moore's little-known sequel to his classic poem that captures the mystery, magic and home-for-the-holidays warmth of a Christmas zombie attack. No confirmation yet that Wilfred Brimley will play Santa, Bruce Dern the brain-eating narrator, or Lindsey Lohan a voracious zombie slut. But talks are continuing.*
*Technically speaking, there's no confirmation that Hallmark plans to make this show at all. But I'd sure watch.
Me 'n my new chick
We don't like to talk about it, but basically all of Hollywood prostrates itself before TV critics. Crates of Jack Daniel's, gold ingots fresh out of the mines near Johannesburg, the entire Bolivian coca crop -- anything for a favorable mention in print. And of course the talent is ours for the asking. Here's a photo of me with one recent supplicant.
Okay, you've probably guessed I'm exaggerating slightly. Powerful critics like Walt Bellows and Tom Jicha and Maria Elena Fernandez get all the cool swag and hot dates. I get to be in a fake picture doctored with a weird new iPhone app called Spread Snooki that allows the famous Jersey Shore fistfighter and drunken lunatic to be inserted, Zelig-like, into photos taken by iPhones. Actually, all you really need is a co-worker with waaaaaaaay too much much time on his or her hands, which I have in plenitude.
