Burglar steals meat and lube

EROS Police outside Atlanta are searching for a perp who broke into a 26-year-old woman's home and stole exactly four items from her freezer:

-Chicken legs ($10)

-Pork ribs ($10)

-Ground beef ($10)

-Eros-brand personal lubricant ($40)

Two notable things here. First, I resisted the urge to use a MasterCard-esque "priceless" joke. And secondofly: Lube in the freezer?!? Really? Sounds p-p-p-painful.

And that's why you don't molest a raccoon

If you believe this story from the UK's Sun tabloid, a 44-year-old Russian man needs to have his penis surgically reattached after a raccoon ripped it off.

But don't feel too sorry for Alexander Kirilov. According to the paper, he was trying to rape the raccoon when he got his nipper nipped.

Raccoon  

Heroin has presidential seal

  0123091obama1Barack Obama's inauguration was a real rush for some people, including some drug-slangers in upstate New York, who took the opportunity to brand their baggies with the new president's name.

The Smoking Gun has the story.

Reminds me of one of my favorite posts from this here blog -- the green crack bust on St. Patrick's Day.

Subway: Steal fresh

Subway_Logo_Large Looks like those annoying "Five Dollar Footlong" commercials finally made someone reach their breaking point.

Omaha police are searching for a man who walked into a local Subway, started filling out a job application, and then abruptly pulled out a knife and robbed the store.

Like the AP says, odds are this dude probably won't get the Sandwich Artist job.

Mom unplugs Xbox, son fires back with taco

Mug_zacharymoirA taco to the face landed a Central Florida teen in jail.

Zachary Moir, 19, threw the taco at his mother, Dena, when she unplugged his Xbox after he wouldn't come for dinner.

When he finally came downstairs he got in her way while she was cleaning, and she pushed him out of the way.

He then slapped her and called her a "retard" before throwing the taco in her face, according to the News-Journal.

This wasn't the first time she'd tried to get her son to leave, police said.

Zachary Moir is in jail on a charge of domestic violence battery.

Would-be robber mistakes water office for bank

A Kentucky man made a critical mistake Tuesday when he tried to rob a bank at gunpoint.

It wasn't actually a bank, but the office for the local water district.

When an employee at the Jessamine South Elkhorn Water District told the man there wasn't any cash, he said, "I know you have money. It's a bank.''

The building had been a bank branch until about four months ago.

The man's not the only one who got the buildings confused.

"We've had people come in here asking to cash a check," Diana Clark, the office manager for the water district told the Lexington Herald-Leader.

The man left empty-handed. So far, no arrests have been made.

Attack of the chubby ninja

Image_8161089 We'll file this one in the Unfit Criminals Dept.:

Cops in Palm Beach County are looking for a pot-bellied man who tried to rob two ATMs recently while dressed in an all-black ninja getup.

He was unsuccessful both times.

Carjackers foiled by txt msgs

Cellphonetexting File this one in the Dumb Criminals Dept.:

A carjacker stole a BMW from its owner at gunpoint in Columbus, Ohio, and drove away.

The owner and his friends hatched a plan to send text messages to his phone, which was still in his car. They baited the carjacker by sending texts promising a rendezvous with hot chicks and drugs.

The carjacker fell for it and showed up a few hours later at a designated meeting spot, hoping to find the women and drugs. Instead, cops were waiting for him.   

*Thanks to Judi from Dave Barry's Blog for the tip.

Texas inmate plucks out eye, eats it

Thomas_narrowweb__300x4150 Before his Texas murder trial, Andre Thomas, pulled out his right eye, claiming to be mentally ill.

The judge said he was competent. He was convicted in the stabbing deaths of his estranged wife and two young kids - he had ripped out their hearts.

Last month, he plucked out his left eye. (The picture at left appears to be before the latest incident.)

He told officers - who found him in his cell with blood on his face - that he ate it.                

"Thomas said he pulled out his eye and subsequently ingested it," Jason Clark, a spokesman with the Texas Department of Criminal Justice told the Associated Press. He has been taken to a prison psychiatric unit.

Said his trial attorney, Bobbie Peterson-Cate: "He is insane and mentally ill. It is exactly the same reason he pulled out the last one."

Thomas is on death row for the grisly murders of his estranged wife, 4-year-old son and 13-month old daughter.

Thomas stabbed them to death and ripped out their hearts. He then took the hearts with him and put them in a bag before throwing them in the trash.

Then we went to a police station and tried to stab himself.

* Thanks Shelley for the tip.

A county employee searches for help

Looks like someone using a Miami-Dade County government computer searched for "How to set up a police +perimter" [sic] and wound up at the crime blog of our sister paper The Tacoma News Tribune.

Could it have been a MDPD officer looking for advice unavailable in the department's how-to manual? Maybe someone in the county manager's office trying to switch careers and studying for the police academy test? We may never know.

*Thanks to colleague (and former Herald intern) Ian for the tip. Maybe one day he'll teach me how to look up IP addresses and search terms from our blog? 

 
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