Because a blog entry on "keys to the game" would be a ridiculous waste of my time ... (don't fumble, score more points, wear your helmet, blah, blah, blah)
GAINESVILLE -- Win or lose, the most important task on game day for a Gator fan (any fan for that matter) is to drink yourself blind. Whether in you're home, at the sports bar or driving in your car, your not a true Florida fan if you're not roaring drunk by halftime. In the spirit of spirits, here's a drinking-game checklist for tonight's game against Auburn.
1. If Percy Harvin is not in the starting line-up, then drink a Lemon Drop. Like Harvin, this drink is weak. Harvin, who has been limited in practice all week due to a (hip pointer?), is expected to play. Maybe Harvin should be the one drinking. You know, that numbing since of invincibility.
2. If Kyle Jackson is in the starting line-up, then drink a Mind Eraser ... in memory of Reggie Nelson, of course. Jackson, who hasn't played very well this season (That's me being civil and diplomatic. See, it can be done.), might be replaced in the starting line-up today by freshman Major Wright, which leads to task three in this drinking game...
3. Every time Wright misses a tackle, drink a Harvey Wallbanger. Wright isn't much better than Jackson (at this point in his career).
4. If Deonte Thompson plays, then drink a Hurricane. Or, maybe that's backwards? The Hurricanes should drink if Deonte Thompson plays. Florida coach Urban Meyer said Deonte Thompson could play today. That's a less than ideal situation for the Gators, who would like to redshirt Thompson this season. Of course, playing Thompson a few plays would use up a year of his eligibility and might discourage Thompson from transferring to Miami. This idea (Thompson transferring) was generated by an upstart sports website in Miami that credited their information to unnamed sources. The Miami website guys are now mad at me for calling them out (even though I really didn't call them out). Whatever. Hey, Inside the U, I've got a 1980's Risky Business leather jacket you can borrow if, like Tom Cruise, you need some thicker skin.
5. If Javier Estopinan (Miami) gets a sack, then drink a mojito. Florida's pass rush has been criticized this week by the Gators' coaches. If Estopinan records a sack, then it's probably time for a sweet and refreshing cocktail.
6. If Dorian Munroe (Miami) deflects a pass, then shoot an Incognito. He hasn't received much attention, but of all Florida's young defensive backs, Munroe is the only player who seems confident enough to actually make a play.
7. If Tim Tebow carries the ball more than 15 times, then drink a Red Snapper. Florida's quarterback rushed the ball 27 times against Ole Miss, exposing himself to an injury every time. If Tebow snaps anything, Florida's offense will be easier to catch than a bottom-feeding red fish.
8. Sticking to the Crown Royal based drinks (only fitting for Tebow), drink a Royal Flush if Tebow tosses four or more touchdowns against the Auburn Tigers. Nothing beats a Royal Flush and if Tebow has another impressive game his statistical hand strength will be better than any other Heisman Trophy candidate's in the nation.
9. If Moses Jenkins gets in the game, then drink an Ultimate Screwdriver. Jenkins (Lauderdale Lakes) needs to be redshirted. Meyer said that Jenkins has improved tremendously since the fall camp and might earn playing time today on special teams. That would be a complete waste. Jenkins has the potential to contribute to this team's defense in a couple of years. His eligibility needs to be saved.
10. If Auburn holds Florida's offense to 20 or fewer points, then a drink an Alabama Slammer. And then drink another, and then drink another, and then drink another.