What in God's name happened???
There will be no formal rewind this week because why? Saturday’s game
first half was too rich for that. Since the two teams actually played something resembling football
in the second half, I have little interest in recapping a 30-minute snore fest.
So buckle up, grab a handle (beer won’t suffice), a
funnel and a NERF gun because The Swamp is about to get real rowdy, y’all.
Tennessee coach Butch Jones to CBS sideline reporter Tracy
Wolfson in pregame: “It’s like how we practice: controlled chaos.”
A great omen.
14:40 – Tricky
Brent Pease. Gators cornerback Loucheiz Purifoy rushes for 15 yards on a toss.
Diminutive wideout Solomon Patton sets the edge with a nice block.
It’s a play that worked. For positive yardage. So we’ll
probably never see it again.
13:00 – A whiff. Kyle Christy just dropped a punt. UT -- led by redshirt freshman quarterback
Nathan Peterman -- is setup with excellent field position.
No you're not...
12:15 – Peterman
switches a run play into a Gators blitz. Brillant. Florida shifts late,
allowing Dante Fowler Jr. to explode into the backfield UNBLOCKED. The sophomore
destroyed Rajon Neal, forcing and recovering the fumble.
Verne Lundquist going
to break: “Well, what a start.”
11:44 – Two
carries for Gators tailback Matt Jones and zero yards. Jon Halapio -- torn
pectoral and all -- hasn’t blocked a soul on either running play. This seems
noteworthy because Florida has run behind him both times.
11:07 – Quarterback
Jeff Driskel with an underthrown deep ball to Quinton Dunbar.
I’ve seen this story before.
But hold on: A completion (well protected by the offensive
line) to Patton for a first down. Gators receive a nice spot via Penny Wagers.
9:48 – The setup:
3rd-and-3 and Florida is just inside Tennessee territory. The Gators run a
stacked formation to the right side with Jones and Dunbar alone on the left.
Off the snap, the play is a mess. I’m not sure if Dunbar is
supposed to pick Trey Burton’s man -- or visa versa -- but neither occurs.
Burton actually ducks to avoid hitting a UT defensive back and......
Cue Gary Danielson:
Driskel tosses a 62-yard pick-six and the rest is history.
Whatever can be said about Driskel -- a lot has and should
-- the dude is one tough SOB to limp off the field with a freakin’ broken leg.
Also: FLORDIA IS NOW ONE PLAY AWAY FROM TREY BURTON AT QB.
9:23 – The
Charlie Murphy era is officially underway.
it’s here I’d like to point out that a Tennessee defense that was SHREDDED in
Eugene last weekend is playing with tons of swagger, energy and poise against a
bewildered UF offense. Murphy (with his slippery
a couple first downs, but Florida isn’t getting much push running the ball and
two false starts (again, UF’s offense looks shell-shocked) killed the drive.
Vols -- yes, the 2013 Volunteers -- have gotten three consecutive stops.
So what does Ole Butch Jones do? He puts the ball in the
hands of his redshirt freshman quarterback making his first career start in The
Swamp. Predictably, disaster ensued.
Seriously, I have no idea what Jones is thinking here.
Vols are on their own 11-yard line, but decide: ‘What the hell. Go get ‘em,
[IN BETWEEN THE CHAOS:
Uncle Verne “euphemistically” explains Antonio Morrison’s offseason legal
issues. #NeverForget #WoofWoof].
Peterman rushes for one yard on a keeper, nearly throws an
interception to UF ballhawk Vernon Hargreaves III and then BOOM.
Fowler Jr. strikes again, forcing a fumble when Peterman
stepped up in the pocket. UT tackle Antonio Richardson -- a well-regarded NFL
prospect -- straight up got his lunch money stolen.
3:24 – The Gators
defense -- ranked No. 3 nationally entering the game -- gift-wraps the offense
a freebie and UF promptly GOES BACKWARDS.
Murphy fumbles twice on the same play. He bobbles the snap
exchange, drops the ball, gets hit, fumbles again, only to have left guard Max
Garcia pounce on the bouncing pigskin.
Danielson: “This has
been about as sloppy of a first quarter I’ve seen in a long time.”
[Just wait, Gary. Just wait.]
2:21 – The Gators
run a pair of plays totaling six yards and face a 4th-and-goal at the five-yard
At this point, I wondered if Coach Will Muschamp would just
go for it.
Honestly, did you
think the Gators would get this close to the end zone again after the first 15
But alas, Austin Hardin hits a chip shot and the Gators are
on the board.
14:24 – Tennessee
manages a pair of first downs, so naturally Butch Jones believes MORE THROWING
for his rookie quarterback.
Jones makes Tony Montana look passive.
Peterman, staring down one white shirt surrounded by lots of
blue shirts, chucks a pass right through Florida linebacker Michael Taylor’s
Taylor flares in his arms in exasperation only be to elated
two seconds later when he realizes… Brian Poole snags the deflection for an
For those too wasted to keep up: UT has three turnovers on its
first three possessions, 20 total yards and a 7-3 lead. Wowzers.
13:50 – CBS shows
a sideline photo of a one-eyed, one-armed Jon Halapio. Long hair [really] don’t
care, I guess. Florida’s all-conference guard returns to field. Another tough dude.
13:35 – Murphy
takes a shotgun snap and whips a short toss right for a bubble screen and WHAT?
REALLY? A TOUCHDOWN?
Patton eludes a couple of Willie Martinez dummies
Volunteers down the sideline and rumbles for a 52-yard score.
An exasperated Danielson wonders aloud why Tennessee's defenders can’t tackle, run or cover a one-yard pass.
“COME ON. … YOU GOTTA
SAVE THIS PLAY. … SHEESH.”
13:23 – Peterman
remains in the game. There’s no joke here.
Amazingly, UT doesn’t turn the ball over and manages to punt.
12:07 – Gators
freshman tailback Kelvin Taylor makes an unexpected cameo, runs for three
measly yards and The Swamp ROARS IN ADULATION.
Now I might be drunk, but I’m pretty sure Jeezy’s “Standing
Ovation” starts playing.
11:42 – Murphy
gets drilled in the face with the snap. Tennessee recovers “the fumble.”
(Courtesy SB Nation)
More Danielson: “Jeez.
This is as bad as I’ve seen.”
Somebody please get the man whatever Johnny Football is sipping.
Danielson: “Peterman. Still back in the game.”
I’m as surprised as Gary. Tennessee -- with the ball on
Florida’s 38-yard line and down just three points -- runs three consecutive
downs for 12 yards.
Now in field goal range (UF’s 26-yard
line), the Vols’ camp again places the ball in Peterman’s hands.
They lose 21 yards on the next three plays. No more kick.
Oh, and here’s a trick play the Volunteers ran. Pretty sure
Jones calls it “The Orange Crush.”
(Courtesy the nosebleeds.com)
That’s some serious rookie hazing.
9:04 – The Gators
-- following a Tennessee punt -- take over on their own six-yard line.
5:30 – Murderball
engage. Six straight runs -- totaling 26 yards -- but Gators face a
3rd-and-long after a Halapio holding penalty.
Danielson: “Safe play,
supposedly. Call a play you can’t get a turnover on and you get a turnover.”
On a simple crossing route, Jones fumbles after inexplicably
trying to switch hands holding the football.
4:04 – Peterman.
On a 3rd-and-9 (on UF’s 28-yard line), Tennessee’s
quarterback whiffs on a throw and the ball ends up in the lap of Gators nose
tackle Darius ‘Bear’ Cummings.
Cummings had an escort service to the end zone, only there
was no reservations for six after teammate Dominique Easley accidently
2:35 – Murphy
runs for 12-yards on an easy zone-read.
It’s here Pease
probably realized/said, “Wait. That’s right. These guys played Oregon last week
and couldn’t stop the zone-read then either. Maybe we should keep doing THAT.”
1:25 – More
tricky Pease. Florida successfully runs a double-counter handoff (12-yards) in
a Wild Gator formation.
2nd-and-goal at the three-yard line and Mack Brown rumbles into the end zone
for the dagger touchdown. Garcia with an excellent pull block to clear the way
0:37 – PA Announcer: “NOW IN AT QUARTERBACK FOR
TENNESSEE, JUSTIN WORLEY.”
Mercifully, Peterman is benched.
But hell it took so long
I’m guessing the conversation between Jones and Peterman went something like…
Mr. Peterman, you want
I’ve already left,
coach. I’m in Abaddon.
You most likely know
it as The Swamp's visiting locker room lavatory, but it was always be
Abaddon to me.
[Danielson and Verne pass out]
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