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UFvsUT Retro Diary: Fantastically Flawless (with lots of follies)

What in God's name happened???

There will be no formal rewind this week because why? Saturday’s game first half was too rich for that. Since the two teams actually played something resembling football in the second half, I have little interest in recapping a 30-minute snore fest.

So buckle up, grab a handle (beer won’t suffice), a funnel and a NERF gun because The Swamp is about to get real rowdy, y’all.

***********************************************************************************************************************

Tennessee coach Butch Jones to CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson in pregame: “It’s like how we practice: controlled chaos.”

A great omen.

FIRST QUARTER

14:40 – Tricky Brent Pease. Gators cornerback Loucheiz Purifoy rushes for 15 yards on a toss. Diminutive wideout Solomon Patton sets the edge with a nice block.

It’s a play that worked. For positive yardage. So we’ll probably never see it again.  

13:00 – A whiff. Kyle Christy just dropped a punt. UT -- led by redshirt freshman quarterback Nathan Peterman -- is setup with excellent field position.

Screen shot 2013-09-22 at 7.03.53 PM

No you're not...

12:15 – Peterman switches a run play into a Gators blitz. Brillant. Florida shifts late, allowing Dante Fowler Jr. to explode into the backfield UNBLOCKED. The sophomore destroyed Rajon Neal, forcing and recovering the fumble.

Verne Lundquist going to break: “Well, what a start.”

11:44 – Two carries for Gators tailback Matt Jones and zero yards. Jon Halapio -- torn pectoral and all -- hasn’t blocked a soul on either running play. This seems noteworthy because Florida has run behind him both times.

11:07 – Quarterback Jeff Driskel with an underthrown deep ball to Quinton Dunbar.

Third-and-long. I’ve seen this story before.

But hold on: A completion (well protected by the offensive line) to Patton for a first down. Gators receive a nice spot via Penny Wagers.   

9:48 – The setup: 3rd-and-3 and Florida is just inside Tennessee territory. The Gators run a stacked formation to the right side with Jones and Dunbar alone on the left.

Off the snap, the play is a mess. I’m not sure if Dunbar is supposed to pick Trey Burton’s man -- or visa versa -- but neither occurs. Burton actually ducks to avoid hitting a UT defensive back and......

Cue Gary Danielson: “Uh-ohhhhh.”

Driskel tosses a 62-yard pick-six and the rest is history.

Whatever can be said about Driskel -- a lot has and should -- the dude is one tough SOB to limp off the field with a freakin’ broken leg.

Also: FLORDIA IS NOW ONE PLAY AWAY FROM TREY BURTON AT QB.

7-0 UT

9:23 – The Charlie Murphy era is officially underway.

So it’s here I’d like to point out that a Tennessee defense that was SHREDDED in Eugene last weekend is playing with tons of swagger, energy and poise against a bewildered UF offense. Murphy (with his slippery escapability) engineered a couple first downs, but Florida isn’t getting much push running the ball and two false starts (again, UF’s offense looks shell-shocked) killed the drive.

The Vols -- yes, the 2013 Volunteers -- have gotten three consecutive stops.

So what does Ole Butch Jones do? He puts the ball in the hands of his redshirt freshman quarterback making his first career start in The Swamp. Predictably, disaster ensued.

Seriously, I have no idea what Jones is thinking here.

Screen shot 2013-09-22 at 7.51.11 PM
The Vols are on their own 11-yard line, but decide: ‘What the hell. Go get ‘em, kid.’

[IN BETWEEN THE CHAOS: Uncle Verne “euphemistically” explains Antonio Morrison’s offseason legal issues. #NeverForget #WoofWoof].

Peterman rushes for one yard on a keeper, nearly throws an interception to UF ballhawk Vernon Hargreaves III and then BOOM.

Fowler Jr. strikes again, forcing a fumble when Peterman stepped up in the pocket. UT tackle Antonio Richardson -- a well-regarded NFL prospect -- straight up got his lunch money stolen.

3:24 – The Gators defense -- ranked No. 3 nationally entering the game -- gift-wraps the offense a freebie and UF promptly GOES BACKWARDS.

Murphy fumbles twice on the same play. He bobbles the snap exchange, drops the ball, gets hit, fumbles again, only to have left guard Max Garcia pounce on the bouncing pigskin.

Danielson: “This has been about as sloppy of a first quarter I’ve seen in a long time.”

[Just wait, Gary. Just wait.]

2:21 – The Gators run a pair of plays totaling six yards and face a 4th-and-goal at the five-yard line.

At this point, I wondered if Coach Will Muschamp would just go for it.

Honestly, did you think the Gators would get this close to the end zone again after the first 15 minutes?

But alas, Austin Hardin hits a chip shot and the Gators are on the board.

7-3 UT

SECOND QUARTER

14:24 – Tennessee manages a pair of first downs, so naturally Butch Jones believes MORE THROWING for his rookie quarterback.

Jones makes Tony Montana look passive.

Peterman, staring down one white shirt surrounded by lots of blue shirts, chucks a pass right through Florida linebacker Michael Taylor’s hands.

Taylor flares in his arms in exasperation only be to elated two seconds later when he realizes… Brian Poole snags the deflection for an interception. 

For those too wasted to keep up: UT has three turnovers on its first three possessions, 20 total yards and a 7-3 lead. Wowzers.

13:50 – CBS shows a sideline photo of a one-eyed, one-armed Jon Halapio. Long hair [really] don’t care, I guess. Florida’s all-conference guard returns to field. Another tough dude.

13:35 – Murphy takes a shotgun snap and whips a short toss right for a bubble screen and WHAT? REALLY? A TOUCHDOWN?

Patton eludes a couple of Willie Martinez dummies Volunteers down the sideline and rumbles for a 52-yard score.

An exasperated Danielson wonders aloud why Tennessee's defenders can’t tackle, run or cover a one-yard pass.

“COME ON. … YOU GOTTA SAVE THIS PLAY. … SHEESH.”

10-7 UF

13:23 – Peterman remains in the game. There’s no joke here. 

Amazingly, UT doesn’t turn the ball over and manages to punt.

12:07 – Gators freshman tailback Kelvin Taylor makes an unexpected cameo, runs for three measly yards and The Swamp ROARS IN ADULATION.

Now I might be drunk, but I’m pretty sure Jeezy’s “Standing Ovation” starts playing.   

11:42 – Murphy gets drilled in the face with the snap. Tennessee recovers “the fumble.”

FACE-FUMBLE1
(Courtesy SB Nation) 

More Danielson: “Jeez. This is as bad as I’ve seen.”

Somebody please get the man whatever Johnny Football is sipping.

11:31Danielson: “Peterman. Still back in the game.”

I’m as surprised as Gary. Tennessee -- with the ball on Florida’s 38-yard line and down just three points -- runs three consecutive downs for 12 yards.

Now in field goal range (UF’s 26-yard line), the Vols’ camp again places the ball in Peterman’s hands.

They lose 21 yards on the next three plays. No more kick.

Oh, and here’s a trick play the Volunteers ran. Pretty sure Jones calls it “The Orange Crush.”

VolsLineStaysPutFlorida
(Courtesy the nosebleeds.com)

That’s some serious rookie hazing.

9:04 – The Gators -- following a Tennessee punt -- take over on their own six-yard line.

5:30 – Murderball engage. Six straight runs -- totaling 26 yards -- but Gators face a 3rd-and-long after a Halapio holding penalty.

5:02 – adfkdhafsdkfhasdkhadfjdasgfjadsjfadfdfadkdfjadfjdlaffadsfdasfd

Danielson: “Safe play, supposedly. Call a play you can’t get a turnover on and you get a turnover.”

On a simple crossing route, Jones fumbles after inexplicably trying to switch hands holding the football.

Screen shot 2013-09-22 at 6.57.56 PM

4:04 – Peterman. Oy vey.

On a 3rd-and-9 (on UF’s 28-yard line), Tennessee’s quarterback whiffs on a throw and the ball ends up in the lap of Gators nose tackle Darius ‘Bear’ Cummings.

Cummings had an escort service to the end zone, only there was no reservations for six after teammate Dominique Easley accidently tackled him. 

Screen shot 2013-09-22 at 7.06.36 PM

2:35 – Murphy runs for 12-yards on an easy zone-read.

It’s here Pease probably realized/said, “Wait. That’s right. These guys played Oregon last week and couldn’t stop the zone-read then either. Maybe we should keep doing THAT.”

1:25 – More tricky Pease. Florida successfully runs a double-counter handoff (12-yards) in a Wild Gator formation.

0:47 – 2nd-and-goal at the three-yard line and Mack Brown rumbles into the end zone for the dagger touchdown. Garcia with an excellent pull block to clear the way for Brown.

17-7 UF 

0:37PA Announcer: “NOW IN AT QUARTERBACK FOR TENNESSEE, JUSTIN WORLEY.”

Mercifully, Peterman is benched.

Screen shot 2013-09-22 at 5.07.48 PM
But hell it took so long I’m guessing the conversation between Jones and Peterman went something like…

JONES

Mr. Peterman, you want to leave?

N. PETERMAN

I’ve already left, coach. I’m in Abaddon.

JONES

Abaddon?

N. PETERMAN

You most likely know it as The Swamp's visiting locker room lavatory, but it was always be Abaddon to me.

HALFTIME

[Danielson and Verne pass out]

Follow me on Twitter @JesseReSimonton

Comments

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jlo, help me out with this one:

Fowler sacks Peterman, and it is a forced fumble.

McCord sacks Driskell, and it is a gift.

Hmmmmmmm. Peterman, a barely D-II QB, has the ball slip out of his hands into Cummings' hands and that is not a gift.

Howard jumps a Driskell pass and that is a gift.

How do you allow your orange and blue thong to be so consistent, jlo?

RUTGERS 28 - SEC 24.

RUTGERS, daddy? RUTGERS, son. Don't believe the hype. Now, lil' jlo, go change out of your orange and blue thong.

Cane guy will be talking about the only tough game they will play for the next 4 or 5 years like that idiot uncle in napoleon dynamite. Anybody see reaction from ESPN, FOX, CBS, ABC, and NBC talking heads? No one gave props to the silly canes, but rather heaped derision on Driskell and coaches for their bone-headedness for gifting the game away. I think that says it all.

Sorry, didn't see that. In fact, the proof is in the pudding. Canes rose to 16, Gatr Trash fell to #19 in the AP. So all of those voters seemed to feel differently than what you saw. Interesting.

Another big SEC victory and you Gatr Trash drop in the polls. Canes beat a nobody and they rise. Seems like he talking heads know something you don't.

Big game? Nahhh, that wasn't a big game. The Canes big games are against FSU, VaTECH and GT. IF we played a schedule that included Vandy, Kentucky, and Tennessee, then yeah, the UFraud game would be big.

BTW, if you were watching, Uncle Vern and Gary were laughing hysterically at the Gatr Trash. Those are some powerful talking heads.

"It's shameful that Driskell squandered a career day against Miami of Florida"

quote from Holtz to May-Day on football final.

Miami of Florida! BWAAAHAHAHAHA!

Typical cane-lame-o fan. Of course he caught Vern and Gary live, he wouldn't bother watching his team in it's (rented) home stadium.

Good breakdown as usual Jesse, funny too.
Murphy came alive in the second half and got rid of the silly mistakes that can be excused considering he never threw a completion in a real game prior to this. He played very well in the second half and led the Gators to 31 points, the highest point score so far this year.
I see nothing but good things ahead for us.
To the resident cane troll and his multiple personalities hope you have sent Driskel a thank you gift basket and a get well soon teddy bear and balloons. Driskel is the sole reason you are ranked today and you should thank him properly.

Hey I just woke up from a coma.

Has UF gone undefeated in over 100 years of football yet?

Why is everybody laughing?

Oh, that's right. I've been comatose, not moronic too. Silly me.

Miami of Florida! BWAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jesse, I applaud you on your articles. Dude, you obviously have great passion for and knowledge of college football. The creativity is great. This was an entertaining read. Keep up the good work bro!

jlo, he of the orange and blue thong, I will do so. Also, I will send some along to:

- Marques Roberson for allowing Dorsett to run past him;
- Cody Riggs for getting torched by Herb Waters;
- Matt Jones for fumbling;
- Trey Burton for running the wrong route and allowing Howard to pick the ball;
- Easley and the rest of the right-side of the defense for taking the play off and allowing Duke to score;
- Halapio for faking injury;
- Garcia and Humphries for allowing McCord to blow by them and sack Driskell;and
- Pease for his awful playcalling.

Wheeeew. That is a lot. Good thing I don't have a UFailure degree so I can afford that.

Now, please tell me who to thank for the other 6 out of 7 victories by the Canes.

BWWWAHAAA. IT CANNOT GET ANY BETTER. SHUT THAT DUMP SCHOOL DOWN. YOU ARE STRAIGHT GARBAGE.

"Gainesville - A University of Florida veterinary professor was arrested Friday afternoon on charges of video voyeurism for allegedly using a camera pen to secretly record images of the bodies of students on campus, according to an arrest report by the University Police Department. Don A. Samuelson was charged with several counts of video voyeurism of someone age 19 or older.

“In a situation such as this one with serious allegations, the appropriate action to pursue would be termination,” Sikes said, adding that part of the ongoing investigation involves whether other women may have been video-recorded.

The arrest report lists three incidents from April through Aug. 30 in which Samuelson is accused of using a camera pen with an integrated thumb drive to record images of areas of women’s chests and thighs."

Is Lou Holtz a veterinary professor?

Hey, Gatr garbage, the value of your diploma went from worthless to garbage. Natch.

UFraud has sacrificed every last shred of dignity and academic honor for athletics. Life in the SEC. Yep.

"wouldn't bother watching his team in it's (rented) home stadium."

The irony escapes the UFraud grads. You don't own your stadium either, maggot. The state of Florida taxpayers, through the Florida Board of Governors, own that dump. SO, as part owner, I want to end your lease.

Gatr Trash plays in a rented stadium. BWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

miami of FLORIDA...BWWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

jlo, maybe you can borrower the professor's pen and get an up-jort shot of some of your boyfriends.

stay tuned, more comedy coming out of Trailerville. First it was the athletes getting arrested, then Bernie hitting and running, then the football team takes the field (the biggest joke of all), now the professors are pedophile voyeurs.

What a great place to go to skewwwwwwl.

Dr. Lou says it. It must be twuuuuuuuuu.

miami....wait for it...wait for it....

....OF FLORIDA! BWAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now, all you hillbilly gomers, just hold your breath until the Gatrs can beat the Canes. It will be a looooooooooooong time.

SCOREBOARD. FOOTBALL POLLS. ACADEMIC POLLS. Mighty Miami Hurricanes are your big, educated, refined brothers, your slimy gomers from Alachua County.

Hey, I have a spy pen to sell you. It takes up-skirt and up-jort pictures.

Wanna buy it?

BBWWWAAHAHAAHAAHA.

This is too easy. I have to stop. This is like shooting roaches in a doublewide. Too easy.

Why those canes flashing OUR gang sign??

Does Savannah State even offer scholarships to their players?

Hunh, didn't think so.

Did Butch Jones give an explanation of why he decided to run that "Orange Crush" play? That has to be the stupidest play I have ever seen.

Any one know who beat that team of non-scholarship kids from Savannah State on Saturday?

Savannah State > Tennessee


UFraud struggles with Fordham. Next you'll be telling me that UFailure will play Eastern Kentucky (who?) and Idaho. Oh, wait.......

Oh, forgot one thing.

Scoreboard says: 21 - 16.

BBWWWHAHAAHAHAHAHA. Emmit Smith is still crapping on you from his HOF speech.

The ultimate insult to the maggot skeeeeewl.

Can I borrow a pen?

@Reese Davis: Wasn't that Miami of FLORIDA? I'm not sure since it wasn't on T.V.

Check out this pen. I use it to take up-jort photos of my students. It is what passes for actual learning at the UFailure.

Our QB was a Temple recruit? The SEC lost to Rutgers and Louisville?

Oh, no. What's an inbred 'neck living in Alachua County to do? More meth?

The Kentucky beatdown is upon you, gatr trash.

Get yer spy pen at the bookstore. Mandatory on the syllabus for veterinary medicine 101.

Different colors too.

@Heather Cox: Since you are the women's sports expert around the ESPN office, is it true that the 'skunk-rule' is still used to shorten games?

Top notch education at UFraud?

Not unless professors are actually interning as spys using their "valuable" class time to up-jort their students.

Ahhhh, just like at Harvard and Stanford.

jlo, does your mommy know your diploma is worthless?


UK beatdown looms. What will the excuse-train be like next Monday.

Duuuuhhh, we gifted them the win. Duuuuhhh, fire Pease.

@ Reese Davis: 'Skunk Rule' is only used to shorten games in ladies softball and when Miami of Florida plays non-scholarship football teams/clubs.

yes, and how is it possible that a lowly school like Miami, with no facilities, or money, playing in a rented stadium is able to own the UFailure?

How is it possible? 7 of the last 8.

Do yuh know? Do you know? Do you know? Good think the skunk rule is in effect. The UFailure will need it when it plays anyone in the SEC West.

7 of 8. 7 of 8. 7 of 8. The rented stadium team smashes the UFraud 7 of 8.

21 - 16. 5 > 3.


This is soo easy. Roaches in a double-wide, gomer. Roaches in a double-wide.

7 of 8. Still waiting to hear the excuse train for the last 7 of 8.

Once is a fluke. 7 of 8 is a pattern. Stick to Eastern Kentucky and Fordham, UFraud. Canes are tired of pounding you.

@Reese Davis: I saw you guys talking about the UF vs Miami of Florida game late Saturday and all day Sunday. Can't believe the Gators gave that game away!

Miami of Florida.

The former denotes royalty.

The latter? Inbred trailertrash.

BWWWAHAHAHA.

Gatr Trash is obsessed.

Want some cheese with that whine? How about a thrice used spy pen?

Used by professors at UFraud to take up-jort photos instead of, you know, actually teaching a class.

Hear that goes on at Stanford and Harvard all the time.

Worthless. Diploma. Mill.

@Heather Cox: We couldn't believe it in the studio. Lou did a whole segment on Driskell's bad decisions and ran it Sunday morning. Oh well, that's probably the last time we'll see Miami of Florida on T.V. this year.


7 out of 8.

..canes fans don't go to their games.

Anybody have a pen?

no fans, no facilities, rented stadium......


7 out of 8.

7 out of 8.

Gatr Trash can't read but, SCOREBOARD.

"Prof., why do you keep dropping your pen on the floor? Shouldn't we be doing some actual learning here? I mean, I know this is UFailure, but shouldn't we at least learn the difference between a skunk and hyeina?"

"Quiet. Sit still while I focus the lens on my pen."

..cane games won't be on T.V.

and 7 out of 8 Publix' won't hire cane fans like me.

The team with no fans, no facilities, no tv, no coach, few players, playing in a rented stadium owns the Gatr Trash.

7 out of 8.

How bad is the Gatr Trash?

but the 1 out of 8 that do let me wear my Miami of Florida shirt while I'm bagging groceries! Sweeeet!

7 out of 8.

yikes. The UFraud really suuuuuuuucks.

21 - 16.

5 > 3.

UFraud felons > Miami felons

Miami academics > UFraud academics

Pedophile UFraud professors

Name the metric. It all works out to:

Worthless. Diploma. Mill.

"Daddy, how come Miami has trounced UFraud 7 of the last 8."

"Well, jlo, you little princess, sometimes you just have to bow to royalty. And Miami is royalty. We are inbred 'necks. It sucks but it's true."

The team with no fans, no facilities, no tv, no coach,
____________________________

Oops, left out no class. But then again you just had to read above to know that.


"No class" says the Gatr Trash whose professor is a pedophile voyeur, whose President is accused of a hit and run, and whose athletes have 42 felony arrests in the past 6 years.

Delusion. It's what's for breakfast in the trailerpark.

7 of 8.

Did someone say 7 of 8?

Can I get a 7 of 8?

Sold, to the maggot in the tacky orange and blue jumpsuit.

Free Hernandez. Can I get a murderer in here?

Mr. Wilbekin, there will be no weed smoking in class. We are UFraud trash but there are somethings even we won't tolerate.

Now, where did I leave that pen........

"If I had known there was a skunk rule..........."

Sunny Dee, poor Butch Jones is way over his head and it only gets worse for him from now on schedule wise. There is no explanation for that play and there is little hope for UT.
How do you like your fellow cane and his multiple posts, must make you and your school so proud.
In Murphy we trust.
UK is next.
On to Atlanta.
Go Gators!

Awww, jlo. Tennessee is SEC. They are great automatically, rieeeeeeegghhht???

The UK beatdown looms.

The multiple posts appear to be payback for Gators fans posting similar drivel on the Canes blog, but I'm not sure how it all started. It would be nice if Canes fans could take the high road and be a little more humble but I guess it is too much to ask. I fan of the Gators' football team, but I do have plenty of friends and family who are Gators and I can relate to their support of their team. A little ribbing is OK but it has obviously gone too far. The blogs are now cluttered with this nonsense and nobody likes reading it except for the people who are posting it.

Back to football, I think Murphy will ultimately be better for the Gators than Driskel. It will not be a reflection of individual talent, but rather the coaching staff will not ask Murphy to do too much and will play more conservatively, cutting down on turnovers. I don't expect them to win the East, but they will be competitive against everyone but LSU.

Muschamp made a mistake with the way he handled Brissett and the QB position in general. It should have been open competition between the two all of last season. It would have made both QBs better. The lack of QB depth on the Gators is astounding. It's the same problem Miami had when Jacory was handed the starting job with nobody behind him to push him. He did not improve until Morris began challenging him.

Should read: "I am not a fan..."

Wow, how many names did you use today obsessed cane loser? And again, all day on Gator Clause. You really are a sad pathetic loser! Get a life man. There's a lot more things to do in this world then sitting in front of your computer all day long rambling on like an idiot literally every 30 mins. I actually feel bad for you that you can be that pathetic. Your parents must be proud of what you've become!

Help me daddy I can't coach...

We will take muscramp off ur hands

Jesse and All - is it just me or have Kyle Christy and Trey Burton been the biggest disappointments this year so far?

Looks like a lot of fireworks on this blog today. I admit that kind of talk doesn't interest me so much, although the thought of Erin Andrews butt is pretty intriguing ;).

Gatordumb, I mean Jlo, I mean Suicyco, which one am I posting under, duh. You Miami fans are mean, stop picking on my gators, we try really hard and because we have a 2* at QB, we can compete with Tenn. and Kentucky but the Dawgs, Cockss, Noles and Tigers are going to whoop us good. Damn my parents for raising me in the worlds largest trailer park.

I'll have a story on Florida's punting situation tomorrow. Suffice it to say: Muschamp has put a former All-American on notice. Christy was a Ray Guy Finalist last season, but now -- after multiple inconsistent performances -- is in a battle for his job.

As for Burton, he's actually been pretty productive this season. He leads UF in receptions (14) and is averaging 54 yards receiving a game.

Townsend will compete with Christy instead of redshirting. Christy has the talent, may have lost his confidence, competition will do him well.
I'm more concerned about Hardin, you just have to be able to make a 40 yard FG. Bring on Phillips and see who can come out ahead. No entitlements.
Funny how the cane troll with multiple names accuses us 3 of being the same poster, can you say psychological disorder, can you say loser.

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