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I'm Fat. I'm Dumb. I'm The People's Choice

I ain't much, but I'm fit to be president.

A headline in the Wall Street Journal wondered whether the electoral prospects of Barack Obama were as slight as his waistline. "Too Fit To Be President?" the Journal asked. "Facing an Overweight Electorate, Barack Obama Might Find Low Body Fat a Drawback."

Obama was already in trouble with the finicky American electorate for being too obvious about being smart. Too well dressed. Too popular. Too smooth. Too well spoken. Too charismatic. Too well read. Too elitist. Too mindful of his diet. Too lousy a bowler. As if what Americans really want, in their president, is a beer-swilling redneck no-account who barely got out of high school.

I was thinking, hey, I ain't much of a bowler but I used to waste hours and hours in a pool hall, while the like of Barack Obama were hitting the books. I'm just what the American people are looking for.

It was just an idle thought. Something that occurred to me between gulps. Hey. You gotta think about something while you're sitting around waiting for football season to start.  But along came the Wall Street Journal heralding yet another of my qualifications. The Journal asked that "in a nation in which 66 percent of the voting-age population is overweight and 32 percent is obese, could Sen. Obama's skinniness be a liability?"

The Wall Street Journal was saying, in Essenes, that Americans want a fat, stupid president. Why it was practically an endorsement. It was as if the Journal was trying to bait me into running. Telling me that because I'm unfit, I'm fit to be prez. Because if skinniness is a liability, I'm the man. Why I see it, my only real competition, in the campaign to win over middle America, is Bubba, my plumber. He's no dumber than I am, but he outweighs me by 20 pounds.

On the other hand, Bubba finished two years at community college and I overheard him tell someone that he has read Marley And Me, almost to the end. I'm not worried. Americans aren't going to vote for no damn pipe wrench elitist.


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