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Why There Ain't No Orchids In Heaven

When the religious right finds out what orchids have bee up to, they're sure to go berserk.

The preachers who rail against what they term as "perverted" sex acts, known as gay sex in less fervent circles, have heretofore been quiet about the perversions of certain fauna. Namely orchids. But that won't last.

While compiling news stories about the flower for a column about the Fort Lauderdale orchid smuggler who copped a plea in U.S. District Court, I came across some very disturbing scientific research. Stuff that is sure to incite demands for Congressional action against this very kinky plant.

The September issue of Harpers Magazine reports, "Scientists discovered a sexually deceptive orchid so convincing that male wasps will mate with it to the point of ejaculation."

It gets even more perverted. "It was determined that male bees prefer sex or Ophrys orchids to sex with female bees." No wonder there have been widespread reports of honey bee hives "collapsing." It's because orchids are undermining bee family values.

The same Harpers feature, a compilation of recently published scientific research, also reported the discovery that "watermelon rinds possess a Viagra-like chemical and were hoping to breed a race of aphrodisiac super-melons wherein the flesh, too, will possess the chemical." 

If that happens, Fourth of July picnics will begin to look more like Mardi Gras.


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