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The Sadly Familiar Election Of 2050

     Miami Businessman Michael Rosenberg noticed, with some dismay, that incumbent Miami-Dade County commissioners, fending off challengers with daunting campaign contributions (courtesy of local lobbyists), are on a 16-year, 52-0 win streak.

     Suspecting, perhaps, that the big money contributors will see to it that this  incumbent win-streak goes on into perpetuity, Rosenberg has imagined a newspaper article, the Miami Herald, announcing the primary results four decades hence.  

  

 

August 25th, 2050    Temperature High 116 Low 106    $2.45 per copy  

Ocean Level……HIGH….Parts of South Beach covered

 

ELECTION RESULTS 2050 ARE IN!!!

 

Commissioner Javier Souto Wins 15th Election In A Row  

 

Today, August 25th, 2050, Commissioner Javier Souto celebrated his 111th birthday.  He also celebrated another win for another term, as a Dade County Commissioner.  Mr. Souto will now have been a Commissioner for 56 years.  (This time he promised the Herald will be his last campaign.)  

 

Guinness World Records would NOT certify this to being a record because some of the Commissioners are now entering their 64th year of being a Commissioner.  However, Guinness did grant a special category to Mr. Souto for the “longest answer every answered for a yes or no question.  Mr. Souto was asked “did you actually receive $2.6 million from special interest money?”  His answer, according to Guinness was completed in three days and five hours with over 635,999 actual words in his answer. 

 

This year as usual, Mr. Souto did not receive even one penny from people that live in this District.  He did receive $50,000 from Mr. Rob You who has a company that is widening the Palmetto to 15 lanes from its present 12.  Another $95,000 from Mr. Steal Blind who will be doing the landscaping.  And as always, Ms. Do For Me gave $100,000 because Mr. Souto will Do For Her. 

 

The Miami Herald has remained powerless to stop the 182 consecutive elections in a row won by the incumbents, from 1994 until today, 2050.

Due to the expanding Internet readership, there are actually only 135 subscribers left for the “real” newspaper.   The Herald staff is down to one editor, one commentator, and one reporter.  Some residents say that the Internet is NOT the only reason for the demise of the paper.  Many remember that in 2010, they were not very responsive to their readers.  One in particular, a Michael Rosenberg (who passed in 2020) wrote many emails, but never received answers. s  

Page two….

 

Mr. Souto still believes in lowering property taxes, and cutting out waste.  He believes that another term will finally give him the amount of time he needed to fix the county. 

 

Mr. Souto does regret the deal with the Marlins stadium.  It turns out that team ownership decided to sell the team in 2015, and the new ownership paid so much money to get it, that there was no money for salaries.  So bad team, bad players, and no fans.  The team folded in 2018.  Mr. Souto regrets that and says, “in hindsight, we should have built the stadium downtown near mass transit”.  But back in 2008, we just didn’t think of that”. 

 

The Commissioners are still trying to get a salary increase and voters have turned it down 18 times since 2010.  But, the Commissioners have passed a new rule that allows incumbents to keep at least 50% of what they raised, so Mr. Souto gets to keep $1.3 million for his own personal funds.  “My goal this year is raise that to 75% of what we raise.  $1.3 million isn’t what is used to be”, contends Mr. Souto. 

 

At Commissioner Souto’s party celebrating his 56th year in office, he was asked “how do you explain your longevity in office?” 

 

Finally…Mr. Souto was able to answer a question with only two words….he winked and said… “Special Interests”.  As he walked away into his new county approved Rolls Royce, he turned and said…”God told me to give more than I receive.  And that is what I do.  You give me ten of yours and I’ll give you a hundred of theirs.”

 

In other election news……..

 

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Rachel O.

What a smart man! So much truth to this!

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