The L Word(s)

Stock up on your Zen Pills for next season.

Hi folks,

Here is some fun, fabulous art from FrenchLady, who was inspired by all our talk about needing to take Zen pills to be able to deal with the L Word and all its WTFs. Thanks for taking the time FrenchLady! Too bad you can't get these at the drug store yet. I'd be first in line. (Click on image and on text below to see in larger size.)

Let's count all the WTFs in Season Five of The L Word

So what did everybody do Sunday night, now that the L Word's fifth season is over? Anybody get out of the house, or have somebody over for actual conversation? Maybe even about something other than the L Word?

Might be something to consider for next Sunday. You know, just to change things up a bit. But I know going through L withdrawal is no fun. Here's an excuse to go back and watch the episodes again: Let's try to spot all the WTFs.

You know what I mean. Lord knows we complain about the show's questionable plot  developments,  random personality shifts and issues with general continuity. We suffer writing that makes us go, "Huh?'' How often does the dialog and the plot stuff takes us right of the story and makes us wonder what the hell the powers at the L Word are thinking. Like, are they not following along as closely as we are?

I mentioned a couple of examples earlier.  There is Peggy Peabody telling Helena she is her sole heir, although in a previous season Helena establishes that she has siblings. WTF?

And there's the fact that Helena skips town after her stint in the slammer and then one fine day comes back to WeHo with no explanation about how she resolved her legal issues.

Also, wasn't it entirely out of character for Shane, who early on was established as the super-intuitive "Yoda" of the group, to be entirely clueless about Bette and Tina hooking back up? Shane woulda had their number. And, as much of a bad girl as she has always been, she has also always been incredibly loyal to her friends. Shane wouldn't have messed with Jenny's girlfriend. That just didn't ring true.

What about all the WTFs around Jodi's Bette-bashing multimedia art piece? And who did Alice turn into this year? Remember how many personality changes Tina had?

I' ll bet you guys have many more examples you can list right off the top of your heads. Plus, finding some beyond that will give you an excuse to watch your favorite episodes again.

So, come on, let's point them all out. We can even consider some of the WTFs of seasons past, if you like. Anything to pass the time without our favorite show. We had lots of fun finding the WTFs last year at the end of Season Four. Why not go another round? And yeah, even with the WTFS, we love the L Word. So what?

L Word wraps up Season Five. Which means we get a break from the sport of bashing.

When I  start railing against all those questionable L Word plot lines, my gf reminds me that I should view the show as a talking horse. If we were to actually encounter a talking horse, it wouldn't be what the horse was saying that would hold our attention. The mere fact that it was talking would be plenty.

And the L Word is indeed that much of a rarity. When else have we had a television show dedicated to exploring the lives and loves of lesbians like ourselves? OK, fine, maybe they're all too pretty, too femmy and too rich. But that's television for you. Where else have we ever seen ourselves, our relationships, our culture, our sexual realities and fantasies so faithfully represented? It's major to us whenever anybody comes close in one shaky little film. We're glued whenever a  single, one-dimensional character comes out and gets a couple of fleeting girl-on-girl stunt kisses on some mainstream show.

When all is said and done, the L Word will have run a remarkable six seasons, taking us on a roller coaster ride with a WHOLE cast full of lesbians who have reflected our lives back to us for the first time in pop culture history. Does it matter how many WTFs we can count in a single episode?  And yeah, there were so many in the season five finale, anybody who decided to play a drinking game around spotting the WTFs is probably dead of alcohol poisoning now.

We've been so passionate about the L Word from day one because it's ours. That's why it's great sport to take it apart every week (too bad it's so easy to bash). But we love this show. For many of us, it has become a serious relationship. We've obsessed over it, we've screamed and cried over it, we've looked the other way and made excuses when we've come face to face with its shortcomings, we've vowed to leave it but then come running back for more.

And when it really is over after next year's short season six, we will miss it dearly. Tragically, we won't be able to do that serial monogamy thing of ours and U-Haul into a quick rebound relationship with another lesbian TV show, because chances are, there won't be another.

And that's when we'll have to stop and seriously give Ilene Chaiken props for bringing us Bette, Tina, Shane, Alice, Dana, Helena, Carmen, Lara, Marina, Tasha, Jodi, Phyllis, Joyce. All of the girls. Yes, even Jenny. But, f*ck Max. And not because he's a transman. It's just that he was written so lamely.

And hey, for now, we still have the luxury of beating the hell out of our favorite show. So, let's do it:

Where do we even start with episode 512?  Lez Girls, perhaps? Seriously, did this storyline add anything significant at all, except prove to us yet again what a freak Jenny can be, and give us a hotter than ever Professional Tina?

There are so many holes to poke into the Adele thing, there is almost no point in going there. From the moment we encountered her disheveled a** sitting at the Planet reading a Jenny Schecter book, to the part where she went from a total nobody to stealing the director job out from under Jenny, to her scoring a three-picture deal, our time was being wasted. Because, honestly, can somebody tell me what the whole Adele thing was about? Clearly, she had already hatched some evil plan when she showed up at the Planet that day. But was it about stealing Jenny's gig? Securing her girlfriend Begonia's career? What?  And, does it really matter?

Plus, does it make sense that Jenny didn't try to confront Adele at some point? Or that Tina and Jenny became so tight so quick at the end there? I mean, they hated the sh*t out of each other all season. How about two minutes of story development here?

But no, because that would have taken time away from that other absurd storyline involving the sort of entertaining but ultimately asinine Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi. Did we really need a whole drawn out story about the dastardly club owners from Miami who manage to steal the Planet from Kit? I mean, I was psyched to see the financially restored Helena return to save the day. But come on. Helena could have come back in another, less ludicrous way. Which brings us to a couple of quick WTFs. Why did Peggy P. tell Helena she was her sole heir, when in a previous season (I forget which one) Helena establishes that Peggy was an absent mom to the kids, plural. Did Helena's sibling die off since then? And, wait -- Helena, who jumps bail and skips town, just returns one fine day with no explanation as to how her legal issues were resolved?

Seeing Peggy P. did remind me of that great line of hers from season two, when she discovers that her daughter Helena had pretty much stolen Bette's girlfriend Tina, who then stole her back. "You know, all that f*cking with no art is really rather dreary.''

Let's give it up to Jodi for not being so dreary and actually coughing up some art to mark her time with the blindingly hot Dean Porter. Hey, who wouldn't feel inspired to pick up a paint brush or a pen or something if they had gotten Bette in the sack?

But, WTF? When and how did Jodi manage to videotape Bette for this multimedia piece? We could stop to worry about this or we could move on to bigger and better things, like Bette and Tina finally coming together after so many tortured seasons apart. Sure, we would have loved another sex scene between these two, but what we did get was worthy. Their little exchange on that new day bed by the pool (when the hell did Bette have time to shop for new furniture?) was meaningful because we have probably never seen them actually just sit and shoot the breeze at home like a real couple. But actually, what's up with the baby talk? They can't decide if they're ready to live together, but they're discussing a brother or sister for Angie? Also cool was that John and Yoko moment when Tina comforts Bette after Jodi unveils her Bette-bashing artwork.

And that dance: Do we need further proof that you don't need nudity to call it a sizzling love scene? Bette and Tina were scorching hot in this scene.  So hot, I almost forgot how pissed off I was that we didn't get to see them talk much about where they're going with their relationship. I mean, what happened after Bette dumped Jodi and Bette and Tina finally went home together? Anything? Come on, give us a few crumbs. Oh yeah, there was no time, because there was all that Lez Girls/Dawn Denbo crap to hash out.

The Shane-Phyllis faceoff was dramatic, and interesting (did Bette and Alice really say all that stuff about their best friend? I mean, they wouldn't have been lying.) But it seems Shane is stuck in the same place as always. And her doing Niki at the end seemed like the biggest Shane cliche of all. BTW, whatever happened to Shay, and that shop of Shane's that went up in flames?

And wait, does that thing that Jenny said to Shane about breaking her heart mean that Jenny realized she was in love with her BFF and not her star? Should we expect a Shane-Jenny pairing in season six? I suppose anything is possible. Including that the powers will drop this development like it never happened. So, why get worked up over it at all?

Why get worked up about anything in the finale? Including what a loser Alice was, dissing Tasha and moving on to a new girl, especially after all her talk about cheating just a couple of episodes ago. Would have been nice to see a little bit into the breakdown of the Tasha-Alice relationship. But I guess it was another example of being told, not shown. Sigh.

Anyway, what did we learn this season? I guess we learned there really can be an ultimately triumphant love story (yay TiBette!) And we learned that everybody else in L land is a cheating, no-good dog. But, it doesn't matter that the finale was mostly a bummer.

As long as the horse keeps talking.

JoBette's dead. Long live TiBette.

Women PMS, which can make them bitchy. Fine. But how many references do we need in one episode? Especially when those references don't add up to a damn thing story-wise? And, no, I'm not PMSing right now. I'm just over lazy scripts that would never score more than a C- in a community college writing class.

Which brings us to the JoBette breakup. I guess the stupid misspeaking the always-articulate Bette does in this episode as she's trying to serve Jodi her walking papers is there to keep us on the edge of our seats.  I mean, why would the Yale-educated Dean Porter, who has all kinds of issues but none of them are about the use of the English language, say to Jodi in the middle of breaking up with her: "I really care for you...I am going to fight for this relationship.''

Why does it take several more eye-roll worthy scenes for Bette to clarify she meant FRIENDSHIP, not RELATIONSHIP.

I guess there's one reason. So that Jodi can confuse the message and the breaking up can last a whole episode. Except did we sink our teeth into the drama, or were we too distracted by the not-so-deft writing around it? I mean, were we supposed to be biting our nails wondering whether Bette really WAS committed to cutting Jodi loose?  Did we torture ourselves until the bitter end, hoping against hope that Bette would stay strong so that it could finally be all systems go for that TiBette First , Last and Forever thing?

Because, I don't think I was exactly holding my breath. I never exactly feared that Bette would lose her courage in the end and be won over by Jodi, who was being the kind of sloppy and clingy that doesn't seem consistent with the way the Fiery Artist was sold to us in the first place. I mean, Jodi is supposed to be a self-possessed bad-ass who doesn't believe in monogamy. Right? She's the one who was so cool, she refused to hear Bette's objections about the people she had  invited over for a dinner party, offering a flip, "then don't come'' instead of trying to accommodate her girlfriend at all. This is the same woman who,  instead of leaving with Bette when Bette was ready to get the hell away from that party at Shane and Jenny's, basically sat tight and offered a c'ya, wouldn't wanna b'ya. 

Is she gonna be so pathetic now?

Plus, come on, is Jodi not going to make a single reference to that tractor situation from last season? Because, let's not forget how hardcore Jodi was last season, packing it all up and bailing at the first sign of bullsh*t from Bette. It took Bette stealing that stupid 17 Reasons Why sign, flying it across the country and dragging it behind a tractor to Jodi's work site for Jodi to relent and take Bette back. But not before uttering that fateful line, "You better not break my heart.''   Well, Bette wasted no time breaking it in season five, and it's just hard to believe Jodi wouldn't be all, "I even tried monogamy for you, you f'ing bitch, and you repay me by having an affair with your ex?''

What did sort of make sense to me, though I know some folks who were put off by it, was the making out Bette did with Jodi in the middle of the breakup drama.  It doesn't seem like such a stretch to me. Makes sense that Jodi would throw herself at Bette, try to win her back with hot sex. Hell, didn't Bette throw herself at Tina at the end of season one, when Tina found out about Bette's affair with the carpenter?

And yeah, I think Bette would have kissed Jodi back. She does care for Jodi, after all. And she feels terrible about all of this.  But, Bette did go there reluctantly, and when Jodi pushed too far, she did finally put an end to it.

I just wish Jodi had shown some balls in these scenes. I get that she wound up, against her better judgment, totally in love with Bette. She was way hurt. Who wouldn't be? And dignity has a way of flying out the window in the middle of a breakup. But, still. The only time Jodi seemed like Jodi during this whole mess was when Bette tried to stop her after she tossed out that line about how she was leaving to go to kill herself.

Bette was all, "I can't let you go when you're threatening to hurt yourself.''

And Jodi was like, "Ugh. I'm not going to kill myself over you. Don't flatter yourself.''

Right on, Ms. Lerner. So why were you acting like such a little b*tch the rest of the time? So out of character. But then, who doesn't do things that are out of character on the L Word? Still, nothing takes away from how hot Bette looked in that black tank top. Not even the fact that through most of this episode, Bette and Jodi are dressed in stupid matching getups. (Seriously, what were the wardrobe people thinking?) And nothing takes away from the warm fuzzies we all felt when Bette finally offered  Jodi that teary and convincing:  "There has been something missing for me. Something that is hard to define. And I have been desperately trying to create this thing... But I have been just flailing. And I realize now that you and I were never going to find it...Because I have it with someone else.''

JB is hot.  Or did I already say that?

Anyway, here's the one thing I couldn't help but wonder about when Jodi finally gets the picture and goes back to Bette's house to pick up her things. All Bette gets after an intense relationship with Jodi Lerner by way of a parting gift is a really nice watch? Nice of Jodi to give her the birthday gift she was saving for her on the way out. But, I want to know if Dean Porter managed to snag any Jodi Lerner art along the way. I mean, if Jodi is such a famous artist with a big solo show at the Hammer and everything, her sh*t is selling for major bucks. Even a smallish piece by an artist like Jodi could go for, who knows, 20, 30, 50 grand. All Bette, aka the finest  piece of art-collecting a**  in WeHo, managed to score was a watch?

Moving on to Tasha and Alice. OK, OK, so we get that Tasha and Alice are from different sides of the track or whatever and maybe they just aren't destined to make it. But, does Alice have to be such a flake, falling for some new chick so quickly? Especially after all her campfire ranting about cheating just last week? Makes me wanna step back in time and slap the s'mores out of her.

I'd also be happy to smack Kit around a little bit. Not because she lost the Planet to DD and her lover C. But because Pam Grier was willing to rip herself off with those references to blaxploitation characters of old. I mean, da trench coat, da wheels, da piece. Too much. What was Kit gonna do with that gun when she got to Shebar? And then she leaves the thing sitting around where Angelica can grab it? Plus later, crisis averted, she tosses it in a dumspter without even hiding it inside some trash? With her prints all over it? Where do I start?

Let's just move on to how cute they all were when Mama T and Mama B showed up at the Planet to pick Angie up. You had to love that bit when Bette says to Angelica, "Are you ready to go home, baby?''

And then looks at Tina and says, "Do you want to...?''

Aw.

As for the Denbo storyline, it just keeps getting more retarded. Sorry, I just can't deal.

I also can't deal with Lez Girls. I mean, I've tried, I really have. But the movie actually looks really cheesy. That thing would be the laughing stock if it actually ever saw the light of day. And that table toss by the actress playing Tina? Sorry, Laurel owns that trick. Not even Kit's table toss could touch Tina's.

Anyway,  surprise! Adele f*cked Jenny over. She stole that movie right out from under her. We were never expecting anything like that to happen. Sigh. I guess that whole mess did lead to one great scene:

Shane and Jenny hitting the homemade bong. Points for that. And points to those two actors, who are always so genuine together. No matter how much hate you might still have for Jenny, you have to love her when she's sitting there all heartbroken and vulnerable and connecting with her best friend in the world. And, yeah, it does sort of seem like maybe the powers might be trying to suggest there could be more than just friendship between these two.

Which brings us to Molly, and what we're supposed to do with her now. Because we do like her with Shane. But Shane and Jenny together? I know it's sort of weird, but then again, it could be pretty awesome. Because just like you can't deny the chemistry between JB and LuH, you really can't deny the chemistry between Kate and Mia. Maybe it's just BFF chemistry. But, I'd be open to more. Why not?

One more episode left.  I don't know about you, but I think I'm gonna take this time to shore up on the Zen pills.   

Come on, you know you're psyched that the L Word is going another season.

Here's some good news from Showtime. Because, no matter how much we Monday-morning quarterback, we do love our show:

ONE ‘L’ OF A FINALE! SHOWTIME RENEWS THE L WORD® FOR 6TH & FINAL FAREWELL SEASON

Last Eight Episodes of First-Ever Lesbian Primetime Drama To Premiere in Early 2009 LOS ANGELES, CA (March 10, 2008) – SHOWTIME has renewed the critically-acclaimed, groundbreaking lesbian drama THE L WORD® for a sixth and final season, it was announced today by Robert Greenblatt, SHOWTIME’s President of Entertainment. One of the network’s longest running series, THE L WORD® will culminate early next year in eight final episodes, marking the end of an era chronicling the lives of these iconic characters who have played a pivotal role in changing cultural perceptions of lesbians and the transgender community on and off screen.

Production will resume in early summer. “It has been a privilege to do this series and tell these stories and have these characters in my life and to share them with the show’s passionate fans,” says Ilene Chaiken, creator and executive producer of THE L WORD®. “I am thrilled that SHOWTIME has given us this final opportunity to conclude this journey we have all taken together.”

"We are enormously proud of the legacy of THE L WORD®, a groundbreaking series that well surpassed its niche as a gay show," said Greenblatt. "The title of the show became part of the lexicon, and the breadth and reach of the characters and storylines are a testament to the talent of Ilene Chaiken and her incredible cast. We have a strong tradition of shows that move beyond the stereotypes of lesbian and gay characters, and we are grateful to everyone involved with THE L WORD® who contributed to its legacy.”

"THE L WORD® has been such an important franchise for SHOWTIME,” adds SHOWTIME Chairman and CEO, Matthew Blank. "We look forward to an outstanding finale season next year and know this show will live on in many, many ways." THE L WORD®‘s large and loyal audience has played an unprecedented role in propelling the plotlines throughout the show’s five year history.

Chaiken indicates that the final season will be even more interactive, with fan input guiding the season to its climactic conclusion. “This is by no means the end of THE L WORD®,” she adds. “The brand and the social network community, OurChart.com, will continue to live and be a destination for lesbians everywhere and a lasting tribute to what THE L WORD® has accomplished.”

In its five seasons on SHOWTIME, THE L WORD® generated an avid audience, as well as critical praise and GLAAD Award recognition for its provocative, sexy storylines, the principal cast and for being a magnet for celebrated directors and guest stars. The groundbreaking series follows a group of Los Angeles-based friends as they navigate careers, families, friendships, inner struggles and romantic entanglements.

Since its January 2004 debut, the series has become part of American popular culture, spawning its own social networking site (Our Chart.com), huge popularity in Second Life, dedicated fan websites and blogs, along with ancillary products such as THE L WORD®-branded perfume, jewelry and books. THE L WORD® is executive produced by Ilene Chaiken through her production company Little Chicken Inc. The series was created by Chaiken and Kathy Greenberg & Michele Abbott and is being distributed internationally by MGM International Television Distribution, Inc.

If you can't stand the heat, stay away from the campfire.

Why is it that lesbians so often stay friends with their exes? Sure, seeing past your disagreements and recognizing that after some years together you are bonded -- family to each other and perhaps part of a broader family -- is all very noble.

Except for the little glitches. You know, you're still holding a candle to your ex, or she's still holding a candle to you. Somebody can't let go past dynamics, and drama ensues. Maybe both of you can't let go of past dynamics, and really hot sex ensues. Those scenarios would be almost manageable, except for the fact that your ex is totally ensconced in your new life. She's friends with your new girlfriend, because your new girlfriend is also trying to be an evolved lesbian who understands about those sacred bonds that should not be broken after two people have walked through a portion of life together. Especially if there's, you know,  a pet they still co-own. (Because, not to generalize or anything, but it seems lesbians who break up have a much easier time of staying friends and affording each other pet custody rights than staying friends and awarding each other child custody rights. When there are actual human children involved, lesbians too often wind up in nasty legal battles, the bio mom taking advantage of f*cked up laws that in too many states don't protect gay parents and telling the non-bio mom to take a hike.)

But, I digress. My point is, there is nothing more toxic and stomach-turning than the person you are having an affair with being up in your life and being tight with your current girlfriend. And lesbians wind up in this trap way too often. I mean, that whole thing with Bette and Tina and Jodi and the gang going on that bike ride together, with Bette and Tina stealing desperate glances of each other the whole time? I'll bet a lot of you know this feeling. It's hateful. But dykes love their drama.That's one thing the L Word has always gotten right.

They love the danger, sneaking a touch, that bit of secret conversation. Bette was never more of a dyke then when she pulled up to Tina on her bike to say, just out of ear shot from the gang, "Hey, I need to tell you something. You look really great in those pants.''

Who didn't cringe when Jodi hugged Tina after helping her put that tent together? Ouch. Super ouch when the girls are sitting around that campfire playing their little drinking game and Alice, big-mouth, obnoxious Alice, calls Bette on her sh*t: "Bette come on, I mean, you cheat. You were a giant cheater. I mean, it was a phase. I'm not saying you are now, but like, you cheated on Tina, you cheated on me. You cheated. There was a lot of cheating.''

Those were great warning looks that Bette shot Alice, but of course Alice was too wrapped up in herself and her little speech to notice or care.

And who can blame Tina for losing it after Jodi jokingly asks, "Are you cheating on me?''

Gulp. I mean, it would have been easier for everybody if Tina had displayed an icy heart and just sat there and smiled. It would have spared Jodi learning about the affair right there, in front of everybody. But, really, how could she have just sat there? And hey, finally, an honest moment. Not like Bette has too many of those. You have to wonder how Bette would have responded to Jodi if Tina hadn't cracked when she did. Would she have said, "Of course I'm not cheating on you?''

Good thing we didn't get to find out. Great scenes in the tents later, where Kit beats up on lil' sis for being such a dog and Alice and Shane go to Tina's side to try to make sense of what just went down and to offer her some support (Tina seemed so alone all night, sitting on that log with nobody's arm around while the rest of the gang enjoyed their squeeze.) As for Kit reminding Bette how awful her relationship with Tina was? Can you really blame an older sister for trying to offer a reality check? Plus, how can Kit not come around after Bette offers that teary: "I love Tina. I've always loved Tina.''

And how can the extended family not cut them both major slack after Tina cries: "I've alway been in love with her. And I feel like an asshole that I'm doing this to Jodi. But I just want her back. ''

Well, at least it's out in the open now. All of it. Because some major stuff about Bette's flaws have just come up. And this has to scare both of them.  They're still in love, but they're gonna have to do some serious work if this relationship is really going to succeed in the end.

Perhaps that's why Bette has this heartbreaking cry at dawn. It isn't just that she's sad because she has hurt Jodi and has to say good-bye to her (because I do believe Bette when she says she has a lot of love for Jodi). But that the stuff about herself that she has always been in denial about (remember when she harshly judged Jenny and Marina for their affair but then turned right around and cheated on Tina?) has been dragged into the light by the people who know her best.

Guess we'll see if Bette and Tina can triumph.

Even with all their crap, they probably have a much better shot than Shane and Molly, or Jenny and Niki. Even Tasha and Alice, who still seem to want very different things.

Gotta love Molly for chasing Shane all the way to -- where was that bike ride, anyway? And for giving that impassioned speech about still being gay 101, but being willing to put in the work to become advanced placement gay. Cute. But is Molly the uptown intellectual ultimately going to be happy with Shane the high school dropout?

And as many times as Niki tells Jenny she's in love with her, I just ain't buying it. I mean, hello, did Niki just kind of come on to Shane? Whatever, can't hate on that strap-on scene. Except, Jenny not only packed that purple toy, but black lingerie and stilettos to go on a camping trip?

What is pretty easy to hate on is Adele, her evil ways, and the whole storyline around her. Ugh.

Two more episodes left, people. Can the powers wrap up season five in a way that won't make us pound our heads against a wall? Guess we'll see.

It's getting hot in here.

Here's a WTF right off the bat: Following the TiBette storyline, it should be pretty clear at this juncture, even to the clueless Bette and Tina, that they are having, you know, major feelings for each other. Yeah, it's also true that Bette, as 509 opens, had yet to spell things out for Tina. About being in love with her and being really ready to leave Jodi and all of that. (For that matter, Tina hadn't made any declarations, either. Except for the horizontal kind.) Still, it should have been apparent to Tina by the start of 509 that Bette was pretty into her, and that there was a good chance of this relationship actually going somewhere. And yet, Tina asks Sam out on a date?

Huh?  I mean, T, don't you think it might be prudent to at least wait and see what happens at the shrink's office later in the afternoon? You and the love of your life have just made an appointment to see your old couple's counselor, presumably so you can figure out why you can't keep your hands off each other and maybe decide what you should do about it. Bette has already admitted that maybe she IS ready to leave Jodi, and that this creepin' you two are doing is more than just creepin' to her. But you're trying to make a dinner date with another girl? Right now?

Thankfully, you chanced upon the only seemingly together dyke in all of Los Angeles. Props to Sam for getting the picture and refusing to get sucked in.  But what were you thinking in that moment?  Heat getting to you?  Or, should we just tack this onto the huge list of L Word WTFs?

I'll let this go now. It's a tiny moment in an episode full of good stuff, after all.

So let's see, the good stuff:

• Bette coming home from school during a heat wave, shucking off her shirt and sticking the sweaty Porters in the freezer. What flavor pint was she pressing against her cleavage anyway?  And isn't it kinda surprising to know the lean, mean Dean Porter indulges in ice cream? Maybe it's there for Angie. By the way, Jodi and Bette are coming home from school together? Didn't Jodi quit after that fake gun thing? Anybody keeping track of the WTFs?
• The power outages in general, which gave us all those sweaty love scenes. Looks like maybe IC clued into all the message board rumblings all these years about her lesbians totally under-representing a certain act, because in 509, almost every couple is, um, down with it .
• Tasha and Alice were cute together, except, why did Tasha seem so in pain at the end there? There was just something not hot about her grimacing. Jenny and Niki brought the hotness, even if you could barely see it in the dark. And even as it becomes increasingly easy to believe things are gonna get really ugly between these two.
• Shane and Molly were smokin' - and it was fun to see Molly being all awkward and spazzy during her first experience with a woman. (Clementine Ford does remind one of mom Cybill Shepherd in some of her scenes.) Loved that Shane reminded Molly that she may be androgynous, but she's still totally a woman.  Loved also that Shane, even with her bad-boy ways, was careful with Molly, making sure she was comfortable and really ready to go there. Very cute Shane, but are you ready? I mean, to tangle with a straight uptown girl?
• And loved that scene between Max and Tom. I mean, totally intriguing. And topical in a way that, finally, didn't feel like an uptight public service announcement about transgender issues. I have met women who have identified as lesbians until they transitioned, at which point they started identifying as gay men (even though, like Max, they hadn't had any surgeries). Alas, I have not known then well enough to ask all the nitty-gritty questions that come to mind, and so many do. But cool of the L Word to go there. My gf and I got into a little debate about the mechanics of that scene, and where exactly Tom directed things. I think they were having gay boy sex. My gf thinks the position was weird, and maybe they were having girl-boy sex. But if that's true, then...well, there's a lot to think about here no matter what they were actually up to. But you know what's sad? The fact that the L Word will probably never explore that after this episode. Oh well.

Moving on to Love in an Elevator -- good thing we didn't hear that ditty in the background. Thanks to the blackouts, Bette and Tina get stuck in the elevator on the way to the shrink's office and finally say some sh*t to each other! Of course, Jennifer Beals had already told us they would be doing some "uber processing,'' so we can't help but feel cheated by what we actually got. Maybe there were more lines, but they got edited out? I know, they could have cut out that whole mafia sitdown bullsh*t (what the hell was up with Cindy's hair? And how cute was Bette when she told Tina about "the lover'' Cindy in Dan Foxworthy's lobby?) and used that time to let Bette and Tina process some more. Or maybe they could have let Bette and Kit have a deeper discussion after Kit clocks that Bette's being a pooty-chasing dog yet again.

Still, let's rejoice in the communicating we did get to see TiBette do. Tina expressed some fears. Bette expressed some fears.  The stuff Bette said about being destructive was major, and heartbreaking. The stuff Tina said about being awful when she was with Henry, and about using Angelica against Bette, also big. And recognizing they share the same values, and how important that is, while playing footsies? So good.

"For me  when I really search myself, it doesn't feel like an affair. For me, it feels like I'm coming home.''  You finally found some balls, Dean Porter. Congratulations.

I mean, let's recap what a coward you have been (excellent that you recognized this yourself.)  You mouthed "I love you'' to Tina behind her back after having illicit sex with her. You also told Jodi you were in love with Tina, and this time, you said it out loud. Except Jodi is deaf and once again your back was turned, so there was no way she could read your lips. Hey, wait a minute: Didn't Bette once say to Jodi, "I think I could be falling in love with you,'' or something close to that, in such a way that it would have been impossible for Jodi to read her lips, and yet Jodi totally knew what she was saying? What happened to her bionic intuition? Again, must have been the heat. Or just another WTF. At the end of this season, we should play the WTF game again. You know, make a list of all the ones we spotted along the way. We could do this for the whole series, episode by episode, season by season. That should keep us busy.

Anyway, Bette, your wussy ways are forgiven. Because you finally admitted to Tina that you love her. And hey, she loves you, too. Yay!  Plus, you went downtown. Such a rarity for you especially. Good elevator show, if way too brief. But we ain't mad at you guys. Even when it's just a quickie, you both bring your A game. Tina sitting on an elevator floor with her panties around her knees...I have no big point here. I just wanted to say that.

Tina should have continued role-playing as Dan and asked Bette one more question: "Cough, cough. So Bette, how are you going to drop-kick Jodi?''

Oh, and way to save yourselves 150 bucks or whatever that therapy session was gonna cost you.

We're staying true. Somebody has to.

So did anyone watch The L Word last night? Or did you all catch the OurChart version last week so that you could be free to sleep through the Oscars on Sunday?

Either way, you probably found yourself nodding off. Neither show was particularly thrilling. But at least the L Word isn't navel-gazing and self-congratulatory. Um, wait a minute...

I mean, can we talk about the hell we put ourselves through just so that we can witness an "ultimately triumphant love story" between two women? OK, maybe we're not all in it for anything that grand. Maybe we just want to watch hip, hot lesbians having fun friendships and getting off.

But how ridiculous are we, the way we hurt our brains trying to come up with reasonable motivations and excuses for all those holes in the narrative? And how ridiculous that we have been engaged in this for five seasons?

Let's start with Bette and Tina, who both need to get bitch slapped right about now.  You're off, you're on, you're off again -- but without any real conversation about how you might actually feel about each other? Never mind how high the stakes are right now?  The fact you parent a child together? That you're both supposedly serious adults?  Tina, you're going to show up at Jodi's dinner even after Bette has come all the way out to the Lez Girls set to tell you how uncomfortable that would make her? Your  excuse for accepting the invitation from Jodi is that you thought Bette wanted you there as much as Jodi did. But Bette is standing here telling you she was shocked when she heard Jodi invited you, with a date, no less. 

Bette is practically begging you not to show up, and you're still gonna go? Like, why? It's not the event of the season. Not some big reunion for the extended family. It's just some small dinner to allow Jodi to show off her cooking skills and her hideous outfit.  How about just calling Jodi (or texting her or whatever is appropriate) and gracefully bowing out with some story about how tied up you are on the set?  I mean, honestly.

And can we talk about the actual dinner for a sec? So it's a small dinner for eight but everybody is already eating when Tina and Sam show up? Tacky. Even tackier is the fact that Shane and Molly get up right in the middle of dinner, without any excuses or announcements, grab a bottle of wine off the table and go outside to smoke and make out. Huh? Who does this?

And Tina, why would you bring a date up in Bette's face at this juncture? Here Bette has gone and done something way out of character (I know, I know, everybody on this show constantly does stuff that's out of character)  and actually shared some of her feelings with you. She's so conflicted. It's so written all over her face. The screwing around you have done behind Jodi's back has actually meant something to her. Can't you see that? She knows she needs to figure out a way to leave Jodi for you.

This is big, Tina. Why are you showing up at Bette's girlfriend's place with some random date you know you don't want anything to do with anyway. Aren't you past throwing a girl in Bette's face so she pays attention? Hello, she's paying attention. She just needs to figure out how to get back to you. And come on, not like you didn't push her away in the first place. Remember, Bett "f*cked up,'' she didn't "f*ck off." Now you're gonna look Bette in the eye and tell her you don't want to be the one to break up her and Jodi?  You might have thought about that before you threw yourself at Bette in the kitchen that steamy afternoon. And then did her again in your own bed. How much sneaking around have you two been doing, anyway? And why did you pass up a perfectly good opportunity to get it on in that trailer? But, seriously, I understand why you want Bette to take care of business on her own and why you don't want to be in the middle of this. But, guess what, you're in the middle. How about the two of you figure something out together, since you're so obviously seriously in love here.

Of course, once everyone leaves the room to check out Jodi's sculpture outside, you're gonna have a hard time keeping your hands off each other, even though you have just agreed to stop with the fooling around. Sigh. I know, love is complicated. And passion makes us stupid. Which is why, even though too often the L Word's storytelling makes us scream at our TV, we keep watching. It's a bad relationship for us, we know this. But we don't know how to quit it. We're as hooked as Bette and Tina. Let's just hope Bette's suggestion that they go see their old shrink leads to something positive.

As for Alice and Tasha.  Well, who knows what's going to happen next. Tasha has just had some last-minute epiphany about living her life with integrity. Although integrity is something she was glad to do without all these years. I mean, she fought to stay in a military that demanded she lie about some pretty fundamental stuff. And at the end of her Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell trial, she was guaranteed she could stay, which is all she ever wanted. All she had to do was go along with one more little lie. But instead, she gave it all up to shout her love for Alice. Aw. Let's hope she sticks to her guns later when she's out there in the cruel world without a J.O.B. and a girlfriend who essentially is still very different from her. Let's hope she's glad she put integrity first.

Certainly, nobody on the set of Lez Girls is worried about integrity. Which I guess is Ilene Chaiken's little stab at gay Hollywood. Does it make sense that Tina would be the first to suggest finding the lead actress a beard so that audiences believe she's straight?  I mean, Tina has been written as someone with fine dyke politics. Or, at least Tina  always believed she had fine dyke politics, even when she was screwing a man. Hey, at least she's always been out. You'd think she'd try to be some sort of catalyst for change in Hollywood. Side note: Can Bette really respect Tina for doing this sort of thing? I mean, Bette is hardly virtuous in love, but her politics have always been right on. She would never sweep her sexuality, or anybody else's, under the carpet for the sake of a paycheck. And here the love of her life and the mother of her child is being the kind of Hollywood scum she has always hated. But, whatever. Why dissect this?

I guess the message is, even today, in too many arenas, if you play by the rules and keep to the closet, you get to stay in the game. Like Niki in Hollywood. But if you bust out of the closet, you get drop-kicked from the life you want. Like Tasha in the Army.

But,  either way, I think I've just about reached my threshold on the Lez Girls drama. And you know what? Niki is annoying. There, I said it. I don't give a f*ck what happens to her. She's hot, sure. But she's stupid. And are we really buying that she's in love with Jenny?

Speaking of stupid. Shane certainly isn't. But she is uneducated, and going nowhere. Phyllis is not wrong about this. Not very nice of Phyllis to tell her LSAT-acing daughter that Shane is sort of beneath her. But, it's not an unreasonable thing for a mother to say.  Shane, you're having fun getting all the babes now. But an aging Fonz is not a pretty picture. You really should make something of yourself.

Though, I guess an Ivy League education and a serious career won't necessarily prevent you from being a cheating dog. Look at Dean Porter. 

 

Lez Get Real

Can we chat about the tale-within-a-tale business for a minute? Muy meta, sure.  But, are we really enjoying this?  So let's see: Ilene Chaiken develops a TV show that reflects her real life, and she creates a character named Jenny in her image. Jenny becomes a screenwriter and director who in turn makes a movie about her own L world.

I suppose this is sort of fun. Though to me, it's mostly a stretch.  Seems like a great inside joke for the cast and crew of the L Word. But is it an effective storyline otherwise? After all, what's great about the L Word is that it reflects our realities. REALITY being operative. You know, "This is the way that we live - and looooove!'' Remember how some fans bitched in the beginning because they said the show didn't ring true because of its too-rich, too-fab, too-lipsticked characters? Those were the days. Now we have to deal with this over-the-top Lez Girls situation.

We get it, we get it. There is always a certain amount of wackiness on a set. Actors let their foibles hang out for all to see. Managers and publicists are forever trying to sweep under the carpet certain aspects of their actors' personalities. And sh*t happens when you're cloistered together trying to film a project. 

IC has told us in her newest podcast that the opener in Episode Seven, where the chicks who play Jenny and Marina get into some diva drama, should not be read as reflective of any real drama that Mia Kirshner and Karina Lombard may or may not have had in real life. Though, there were plenty of rumors to that effect after Season One. And then there's that stuff about actors in Lez Girls who are pretending to only play gay when they're actually gay in real life. It all makes you wonder what's true and what's not. And I guess that's the whole point.

But that leads to a natural question: If Jenny is getting it on with the actress who plays her, then should we wonder if IC got it on with Mia? Did those two ever get the trailers rocking on the set of the L Word? I actually asked Ilene this question a few weeks back.

"Why in the world would I answer that?,'' she responded, and you have to give her props for having a sense of humor. You know I was just joshin', Ilene.

But here is her straight answer about all those meta moments:

"What I would say to you and everyone else who's watching is that you can imagine and interpret some of the things you see to be true. And some not. We had a lot of fun with this. But even some of the cast has come up to me and asked 'Did that really happen?' I'm not going to answer all of the questions.''

If we can take from all of this that there possibly are actors on the L Word who are in fact  gay but are pretending to only play gay, then we can imagine that at some point, Leisha Hailey (who is out in real life) might have uttered something along the lines of what her character Alice just did:

"What the f*ck is up with everybody these days? Am I like, some sort of idiot that I'm out? I mean, is the joke on me? 'Cause I don't get it.''

Word, Leisha. I mean, Alice.

As for Tasha and the whole Dont-Ask-Don't-Tell bit. Gotta love Rose Rollins. And you gotta love the powers at the L Word for tackling this issue. Though, usually when the L Word tackles an "issue,'' it makes the eyes glaze over. Then there is Kelly McGillis as the officer who is gonna bring Tasha down. Fun casting. Lord knows Kelly was a lesbian icon back in the day. But can we talk about her now? You know what, let's actually not go there.

Instead let's talk about Jenny and Jesse and the fact that they all of a sudden are in love. Really? Wait, I mean Jenny and Nikki. Hmm. Jenny, I'd say that between your suspect lead actress and even more suspect assistant, you could be going down worse than Kit Porter with a rat problem.

Which brings us to Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindy. Honestly, WTF is this whole storyline about? And lesbian Turkish oil wrestling? I mean, nothing wrong with a bunch of hot actresses getting dressed down and slicked up. But how ridiculous is the Denbo posturing? And why can't anybody say Cindy without preceding it with "lover?''

I'd be happier if the show spent a lot less time on these freaks and a lot more time on Shane and Molly. Because how fun was it when Molly compared Shane to the Fonz? And how much sass are these two bringing?

As for the latest in the BeTiJo triangle.  Sigh. Things are just getting messier. Bette and Tina getting all flirty and cute on Bev and Nina's bed was beyond sweet. And hey, Tina's got pot.  I have an idea. Why don't you crazy kids go somewhere quiet where you can get really stoned and then TALK YOUR SH*T OUT? Afterwards, you can have some more hot sex. Then we can all be happy.

Though, looks like Bette was not so happy when she came home from hanging around the Lez Girls set with Tina. Maybe she was frustrated because she wanted Tina, but couldn't have her. Reminds me of that original "Let's make a baby" scene from Season One, where Bette gets Tina all hot and bothered but then leaves her hanging because she has to go get her work on. How the tables have turned. Here Bette and Tina were about to kiss when all of a sudden Tina's gotta put work first and leave Bette hanging. How does it feel, Ms. AlphaBette?

I guess like hell, which is why Bette is so miserable when Jodi comes home all bright and cute and wanting to love on Bette. I know some folks were disturbed by the forceful way Bette threw Jodi down and then pleasured herself on top of her. And yeah, it's an awful way to treat your girlfriend. And clearly, this couple is in trouble. But, hey, it was still hot because this is Bette Porter we're talking about here. Sue me if I can get beyond the story and focus on the abs and the arms and the hot grunts.

Of course it's wrong for Bette to treat Jodi like a rag doll to hump on. So what made her do that? Was it about getting worked up by Tina earlier in the day?

"I don't know if it's just sexual frustration," Beals told me. "I don't think it was just about her pleasuring herself. I think she's angry at Jodi for not being who she wants her to be. She feels intensely guilty because she is doing the same thing she did before. Only it feels different because this person is the light of her life. She knows she has to pursue this to the end because if she doesn't she dies wondering what could have been. But she does love Jodi. And she has intense shame about what she's doing to her. She knows what she's doing to Jodi is really horrible.''

And seems like the powers edited that JoBette scene down. There was more to it when they filmed it, Beals said.

"In the end, she apologizes to her. She looks at her and says, 'I'm sorry.' ''

Yeah, Bette. Right now, you really are.

Bette and Tina. Bette and Tina. Bette and Tina.

Well, here we are, the morning after. Some of you, especially those who have been gawking at those spoiler slide shows and recaps for days, are sighing "Is that all there is?'' And you know what? Serves you right. You should have fought to stay unspoiled. And if I didn't let you in on the gory details of those TiBette sex scenes early, it wasn't because I was kissing any Ilene Chaiken a**. 

I didn't spill the beans because it's just uncool to take review copies of a show and post all that sh*t ahead of time. And to prove what? In the end, too many of you are probably left with that feeling that comes after you've finally made it with someone you've been working yourself into a lather about. You've imagined it going down so many times so many ways, that by the time it actually happens, there is no way the real thing can compare to your fantasies.

But, one thing is imagination and another is going back to those spoiler images over and over again like crackheads, and still hoping once you actually sat in front of your TVs for Episode Six, you'd get some new, better high.

To those of you who stayed unspoiled: I admire your strength.  (Special props to my gf, who for five seasons has lived with advance copies of this show and has never once broken down and watched an episode before it airs. Well, OK, I forced episode six on her last week. And I did in the end feel guilty about that.)  To the rest of you:  I'm just as weak. I want to know. But I understand feeling a little let down this morning.

Get past that, and go to the part where you recognize that for years to come, you will totally get off on these images in Episode Six. Instant Lesbian Classics. Not so hard, given how little material there is out there. But Episode Sex rocked, really. How many years did we re-watch the scenes in Desert Hearts and Bound? Because we so thirst to see ourselves reflected, yes. But also because we thirst for love scenes between two women who are even somewhat convincing. And really, can Bette and Tina be more convincing, even with the sometimes-bullshit story around them?

Lets thank Ilene for giving us what we so desperately wanted, not once, but twice in one episode. Have we really been waiting since Season Two for another TiBette hookup? And lets thank Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman for giving themselves up to their characters the way they did for famous Episode Six. Pay attention to the way these women kiss each other this time around. They ain't playin'. Or, at least they look like they ain't playin'. And that's good enough, no? Not that their kissing scenes have ever been lame. But they so went there this time. Watch again. I know you will. As I write this, I know there is not a single original thought I can have about this episode because by the time I post, you will  have so processed each scene, you've left nothing but the picked-over bones.

I was re-watching this episode last night with friends, and one of them was saying, as she always does when any L Word sex scene unfolds, that she just can't believe acting out this stuff wouldn't be a turn on for these actresses. Her theory is that it's just objectively  impossible to make out with Jennifer Beals and grind on her near-naked body without getting into it. And really, who would argue? But what's cool is that Tina has so come into her own this year (how dykey and hot was Laurel at the end of the episode when she's walking around the set of Lez Girls?) that I know a lot more of us now believe it is also objectively impossible to make out with Laurel and grind on her near-naked body without getting into it.

The perfect on-screen couple. We're invested in both.

Here's a question: Why does Jennifer Beals insist on feeling insecure about her body?

"I'm a lot less self-conscious in the [sex] scenes," she told me in an interview. "But I'm still self-conscious about my body. Jennifer's concept of her body is still there. You just get in your own way.  Every single actress on this show has something they're not thrilled with. It's not so easy to just get over it.''

To which I have to say: Huh? 

Beals has been saying for months that she thinks Bette and Tina should end up together again, but only if they "earn it.'' And you gotta wonder, is all that hot sex behind Jodi's back what she means by earning it? I mean, total points for the hot sex, don't get me wrong. But TiBette goes at it twice without any real conversation.

Are they teenagers? Or serious grown up women and parents?  I mean, you two broke up over Bette's cheating. All this drama, all those WTFs,  over Bette's cheating. You're just gonna have an affair with each other now without exploring what the hell you're doing? Bette? You stole some huge rusty sign and -- wait, you got a tractor and...what the hell was that "17 Reasons Why" thing about, anyway?

Did it amount to anything story-wise? Wasn't that your huge declaration of commitment to Jodi?

"It was an incredibly romantic gesture,"  Beals says. "She had the ability to get this sign and she knew what it meant to Jodi. And she wasn't ready to be alone.  It wasn't a huge commitment. The commitment would come after that gigantic gesture.''

TiBette gestured right on JoBette's bed. Because, yes, that used to be TiBette's playground, but if that bed were a crime scene, it would be Jodi's name written all over it.

Clearly, Tina came hours early to pick up Angie because she was set on explaining to Bette that she knew Bette wasn't all that in love with Jodi. I mean, it's not that these two don't process. It's more that they have their own special way of processing. Maybe Tina is ultimately just that in charge of Bette and knows it (maybe she has always known it.) Maybe Tina didn't bother to sit Bette down for a mature conversation because everything she needed to tell her, she knew she could tell her best with a quick afternoon of  "reconnecting.'' Jodi, you shoulda stayed home to "reconnect" when Bette asked you nice.

And hey, it seemed that after Tina got through explaining things to Bette, Bette was sold. Sold enough to get rid of Jodi the next day with some lame story about needing alone time. And sold enough to show up at Phyllis' party with that old swagger of hers, knowing a simple  "Tina? You wanna get out of here?''  seconds into saying hello would be enough game.

But here's what I want to know: Why does Bette mouth that "I love you" behind Tina's back? And why does Tina say "I'm not pushing you. I don't even know what I want?''

You don't know what you want, Tina? That's why you showed up at Bette's house one afternoon when you knew she would be alone, totally flirted, totally threw yourself at her, totally shut her up when she had that one little moment of sanity and asked "What are we doing?'' and totally took your sh*t back?

And Bette? You can't actually say "I love you" out loud and to Tina's face given how overwhelmed you are by the realization of what you've been missing?

You so are not "earning it,'' I almost wanna say you don't belong together. Almost. But honestly, you're hot together.

Speaking of details though, here's a little something to add to the L Word cult book, which somebody really should write. Because, you all know we're all in a cult, right? I mean, you can recite five seasons of dialog better than the folks who saw Rocky Horror 80 times.  The Star Trek freaks have nothing on you. You already know what lines from last night's episodes will live on.

Add "Bette, turn around'' to the list  that proves Tina has always been in charge.  Already on there: "Come here.''  "This is you.''

Anyway, here is my little tidbit for the Cult of L book (Hey, at least L Heads won't have to wear Spock ears or do funny hand salutes to be in good standing): You know in that first sex scene, where Tina is talking dirty to Bette (guess you don't have to treat her so "gingerly'' any more, huh Bette?) and she says "I just wanna #$%* you.'' The delivery is kinda, sorta forced?

It was a voiceover. On the review DVD, that strong "Don't'' that Tina utters comes out like whisper. The whole "Spread your legs" bit comes out like a whisper. Including some stuff you don't hear in the version that aired. I couldn't make out all the whispering (probably why that bit was edited) but Tina may be saying something like "I wanna see how wet you are. And something about how something is so hard. I mean, I think that's what she's muttering. But honestly can't say for sure.  I just know it was hotter.

Should I remind you to stay Zen about the rest of the season? Or do some of you know exactly how it all ends? If you do, tell me. OK, wait. Don't.