The L Word(s)

Shahi in Miami

OK folks, here you are. Some of you have been asking for pics of Sarah Shahi at a GLAAD event in Miami a few months ago. It was at a fabulous old plantation house rehabbed as a production studio in the Wynwood area, ground zero for Miami's exploding arts scene.

Sarah and Ilene Chaiken hung out for a couple of hours and got their chat on with all the Miami and Broward girls. Sarah said then that she expected to be back this season for a few episodes. But so far we haven't seen signs of that being the case.  As for the dress everybody wants to get a closer look at, these are the best pics I could find. But some Carmen is better than no Carmen, right?

Alice scores while Dean Porter slams and dunks another twink.

Showtime

First things first. Alice giving blow-by-blow instructions to first-timer Phyllis deserves a standing o, or a chronic break, or something. Don't see that on TV every day.  In fact, have we ever seen that on TV? See, this is why we watch the L Word. For the important social and political envelope-pushing.  No, it's not the sweaty sex.

Though, gotta love a sweaty Alice going:

"Now, make circles or something. Circles are good. Circles...circles... OK, bigger circles. OK, not that big.''

Alice obviously has a thing for circles. And we have a thing for Leisha Hailey, whose acting seems to get better every season.

But there we were, trying to bask in Alice's afterglow, when Phyllis pops out from under the sheets. Do we really need so much envelope-pushing? Sorry girls, but Cybill Shepherd really does look old enough to be Alice's mother. And sure, people should have the right to do the nasty with anybody they want, no matter how Botoxed, but I think I should have the right to think the Alice-Phyllis pairing is just a tad disturbing.

Of course, nothing is as disturbing as Jenny adopting an ailing dog from the pound under a fake name and driving it to a vet to stage some bizarro show. Hello, cute vet? The woman standing before you pretending she's had this dog her whole life is not Debbie. Her real name is Jenny, and she's always been strange, but now it seems she's gone full-tilt psycho.

Finally, the L Word delivers a dog (lots of lesbians clamored for the show to reflect true lesbianhood, which you can't do with a shortage of pets on screen) and what do we get? Not to mess you up with any spoilers, but we're headed for something ugly with Sounder. Let's just say my girlfriend tried to shield our dog's eyes when we screened episode five.

What you don't want to avert your gaze from is Dean Porter and those arms, especially on the b-ball court. My my Jennifer, when did you start looking so butch? Are all those lesbos you're hanging out with on the set finally rubbing off on you?  And yes, of course I mean the behind-the-scenes lesbos. Everybody knows the on-camera girls are mostly straight.

"You're not as tender as you look,'' Papi tells Bette on the court, and it's worth a little snicker.  But we still can't be down with Papi and the fact that the powers at the L Word missed an opportunity to deliver a character that even sort of resembles an actual Latina. Can you imagine what would happen if they brought on a black character who was that much of a stereotype?

Anyway, another chronic break for Dean Porter fouling and stealing the ball from Tina. And for slam-dunking Nadia into the campus trash. Nadia, did you really think you could mess up Dean Porter's lecturing game with your line-crossing crap and get her back in the sack? Or the car, or whatever?

"Nadia, just listen to me. You're a beautiful girl, and I had a wonderful time with you. But what happened can never happen again.''

When did we hear AlphaBette deliver this speech before? Ah, right, Candy. Somehow we think Bette means it this time. Which is good, because it frees her up for artist-in-residence Jodi Lerner, a much more worthy opponent.

Say what you will about TiBette chemistry and "First, Last and Forever''  love. But I think it'll be good for the dean to scrap with a grown woman for once. Not to mention a fierce intellectual on the dean's own level. Yeah, we know Tina went to college and managed to become a film exec. But what did Bette and Tina ever talk about besides making babies and the quality of the coffee at the Planet?   

And what was that whole speech Tina gave on the basketball court?

"I still identify as a lesbian...I think of lesbian as a political identity.''

The only thing more lame than that was  Jenny's "It's not about who you vote for, it's about who you f*ck.''

Wait, weren't you f*cking guys just a minute ago, Jenny? Why don't you get off your high horse, put down the coffee and play ball? Or better yet, pack up the doilies and the dog and go back to the circus?   

Sure, we should talk a little bit about Mangus and what a slimeball he's turning into overnight, and we should discuss Shane and her right-on parenting of her little brother, not to mention her androgynous hotness as an underwear model.

We should even talk about Max getting hard-dissed by his straight date when he fessed up about the tranny thing.

But let's discuss the unmentionable instead. Dana. There, I said it.

Remember Dana? She was Alice's best friend and then her lover. She was tight with Bette and Tina and Shane and all the other girls who sat around the table at the Planet. She was the tennis pro who died of breast cancer last season, something everybody seems to be in denial about this season.

There  the girls were, sitting at the Planet after their basketball game, talking about lesbians in professional sports, when somebody mentions tennis.

"Yeah, there's Martina. And um...,'' says Helena. And then they change the subject.

What's up with that?

 

Dean Porter, do you really wanna smack that?

Hot or not?

Showtime/CBS

This Sunday, we finally meet Jodi Lerner, the "fiery artist" who, we understand, will make Dean Porter recognize. But is she fiery enough to reduce TiBette to ashes?  Better yet, will obsessed TiBetters finally let go and move on? Will they vibe on the hotness of JoBette? Is there any hotness to JoBette?

Well, it's not like all of those answers are going to be revealed in episode four. But hey, at least you'll get a real gander at Marlee Matlin as Jodi.

Like it or not, Bette's going there. (And don't blame me for the spoiler. Ilene, JB and company have been putting it out there from day one.)

Anybody down with it? Or are we staying true to Tina while Dean Porter macks and gets macked. Actually, Dean Porter getting macked is worth keeping Tina on ice in Hetville for a bit longer, no?

The Adventures of Bette Porter and Sissee Who?

If you visit Showtime's L Word message boards and check out the Bette forum, you have probably encountered lively threads by Sissee Gardner, a poster from Southern California who has built a loyal following for her fan fiction, starring herself and Bette Porter.

There was "The Adventures of Bette Porter and Sissee Gardner after Yale," with a new chapter appearing almost daily for several months in 2005, and "The Adventure of Bette Porter and Sissee Gardner After Tina," which came in 2006 and pretty much filled another L Word hiatus.

The quick recap: Bette and Sissee fell in love after graduating from college, but Sissee, through circumstances she always regretted, ended up marrying a guy. A broken-hearted Bette moved on and eventually met Tina. Of course, the flame never quite burned out for Bette and Sissee. So after the Tina thing fell apart, they reconnected. Sissee struggled with the idea of coming out to her husband and teenage kids, and with everything it would mean to break up her home and her family. But she ultimately did it, and she and Bette basically are living happily ever after.

There is a ton of L Word fan fiction out there, but these tales stood out for two reasons: Sure, everybody who writes the stuff is playing with their fantasies, but for Sissee it cut a little closer.  That, and she could write the book on how to build an online following.

After each chapter, readers posted endless commentary on every aspect of the Bette and Sissee story. They discussed the characters and the storylines, and they discussed their own lives and loves. Sissee always thoughtfully responded to all, at all hours. Her thread became a daily writing seminar and group therapy session wrapped into one, tallying an estimated 4,000 posts from fans.

Now her fan fic is on hold because the actual L Word is back on the air. But Sissee remains a force on the message boards. Check out her thread, Lunch With Sissee, to understand what online community means. Sissee has built her own around her tales - a community she had been yearning for most of her life but could never find living out her reality as a married mom in the burbs.

Her fans are still talking to her every day, about the L Word and about all kinds of things.  Many have become good friends, says Sissee, though she mostly connects with them through the boards, private e-mail, IM and phone. Once, there was an actual meeting.

On the boards, she never divulges much about her real life. So who is Sissee Gardner? I've been e-mailing with her for a while and this is what I can tell you:

Sissee is not her real name. She's been married to a man, her high school sweetheart, since she was 18. She has grown kids. Always, there has been a desire to be with women. She has had dalliances over the years. But for the most part, they have been emotional and theoretical, not physical. And they have been with straight women who ultimately resisted redefining their sexuality. She won't leave her husband, she says, because her life is carved out.

The L Word and the message boards have allowed Sissee to explore a part of her identity that she has been forced to deny most of her life.

"I like being on the MB," she wrote to me in an e-mail. "I have met some really great friends there and since I live in this married, straight world, I have no lesbian friends. That's why the ones I have come to know on the MB are so important to me. I feel comfortable with them. I respect their honesty.'

Only a few people in her real life know about her online friends and her L Word fan fiction.

"I was shy at first posting on the Message Board but gradually got braver," she wrote to me. "It was fun and I was one of those who dissected every scene. Someone would post a subject and I would be there with a comment. I would tape every episode and play it back over and over, especially if there was a controversy about a scene or a question about what was said...I once paused a frame and walked up to my TV screen with a magnifying glass to see a photo Bette was holding of her mother. We would all say we were crazy but none of us stopped because we enjoyed it too much."

Recently, during a phone interview with Jennifer Beals, I mentioned the Adventures of Bette and Sissee to her. I told her a little bit about Sissee.

"Oh my God,'' said Beals. "That's why I think it's incredibly important to have these communities online. For a group of people to be able to tell one another their stories is incredibly important and incredibly empowering, if I dare use that word."

Beals is moved by the way lesbians have responded to the first TV show that truly reflects their lives.

"They have been able to find each other, and find themselves, through this show. I'm so pleased it has been helpful to people," she said. "It's a testimony to what can happen when you start telling stories that haven't been told before. People recognize themselves and become impassioned by it."

Jennifer Beals: Bette is not over Tina.

In episode three, Bette's on the phone with Tina, trying to convince her that she'd be perfectly chill hanging at Henry's place with all his straight friends.

"I've moved on. I found closure. There is nothing between us any more that would cause me to wanna make a scene,'' Bette says.

But does she mean it? Is she over Tina?

"I didn't play it that way," Jennifer Beals told me in a recent interview. "You don't come to the party dressed to the nines if you're really over it. Even the animosity would show there's some kind of continued connection. You don't invest even that animosity in someone you don't care about in some way. I played it that she was still attracted to Tina.''

But would Bette really take Tina back after Tina dumped her for a dude? Could Bette ever get over that?

"If they were to get back together, I think Bette could get over it,''  JB said. "It's not like she's just coming out of college with combat boots on. She has passed through that phase and is on to realizing that people are a lot more complicated.''

L Word Ep.3 -- Come on, admit it didn't suck.

Dean Porter is cruisin' for a sexual harassment suit, even as she's bruisin' Tina's ego with that slinky dress and those too-bad-you-can't-f*ck-me shoes.

But we'll go back to just how alpha Bette can get in a minute.

First, let's address that line Alice delivers when she's hanging with Jenny back at her apartment, home of the original chart and the declawed, displaced British billionairess with a penchant for Kahlua (Come on Helena, being despondent over losing all your paper and having to crash on Alice's couch doesn't mean you have to go down like THAT. Hook up a decent bottle of vodka. Or -- hey,  you're taping in Canada where the Cuban embargo thing is not in effect. Get a nice bottle of authentic Havana Club. )

Oh yeah, Alice's line - remember when Jenny's bitching about the bad review her book got in Curve and Alice goes: "Lesbians love to eat their own.''

Way to get in your little aside, Ilene.

But, do we? Is Alice/Ilene right? Are we just way too critical of this show, which really never pretended to be anything more than glossy, soapy melodrama with some fun girl-on-girl visuals?

Come on, you know you enjoyed this episode. You know you even enjoyed - yeah, I'm gonna say it - Jenny.

That banter between her and Alice about Merkin and Papi was perfection. By the way, look it up. Merkin really does mean vagina wig. And it seems you can get them online with funny designs like happy faces or Playboy bunnies or Pride rainbows.

Meanwhile, back at the arts college, it looks like Dean Porter can't keep her eyes off her assistant's backside. And who can blame her, when the assistant's skirts get shorter and shorter every day? Soon Nadia will show up in nothing but a merkin featuring the work of one of Bette's favorite contemporary artists.

There's a moment at the office, after Nadia offers to find Bette a body worker and Bette says she prefers a woman and of course Nadia takes the bait and says "That can be arranged, Dean Porter,''   where Bette gives Nadia a penetrating look and just a hint of a giggle. If you were paying attention there, you'd know the Dean was saying, "It's so on.''

Nadia was paying attention. That's why, at the end of the day, when the Dean asks Nadia if she needs a ride home, Nadia doesn't say the reasonable thing, like, "Hello, it's the middle of the night, we're on a college campus and this is L.A. Of course I have a car here. How do you think I get home every day?''

Nadia is not a sharp graduate student for nothing.  That's why she responds, "Yeah.''

  I mean, who wouldn't take a ride from Dean Porter? So what if now your car is back at the college and you're gonna have to spend your entire TA's salary on a cab to get back there in the morning?

Which is why Nadia is going for broke:  "Would it be wrong if I told you that I can't keep my eyes off of you?''

Yes, Nadia, it would be wrong. As wrong as it is for Dean Porter to bring the car to an abrupt stop, give you a scolding look and a stern "Nadia," and then rip her seat belt off and lunge at your goodies.

Um, Dean Porter? Not only are you risking disciplinary action back at the college, but you're setting yourself up for one of those hateful, undignified moments where a cop shines a bright light on your exposed, disheveled bod and maybe even pulls out a ticket book. You really are desperate for a little action, aren't you?

More reason to give you props for the way you played it back in Heteroville.  It was Tina with a look of desperation when you sauntered into Milquetoast Man's Rooms to Go showroom looking way too sexy and sophisticated for everybody in the room, including your ex.

Remorseful much, Tina?

But let's do acknowledge the couple of times TiBette stole glimpses of each other. And let's give it up to Mangus and that whole Butter Boy routine when the lame straight people started acting, well, like lame straight people.

As for Max -- you know what, who gives a shit about Max?

Let's move on to Shane, who was so damn cute holding her little brother's hand on the way into elementary school. And so beyond cool when she faced off with Papi.

"So I'm your competition,'' sez Papi.

"Oh, well I don't know exactly what we're competing for, but, uh, you win. It was nice meeting you,'' responds a bad-ass Shane.

Admit it, you liked the campy High Noon bit. 

And you're back to that question lesbians have been asking since the first season of the L Word. Do you want to do Shane, or be Shane?

Or, would you simply like to send Shane a pizza and run off to get schooled by Dean Porter?

Bette and Tina, run for the hills!

File this one under: WTF!

Here's a snippet of Ilene Chaiken's latest blog post, where she addresses the diehard fans desperate to see a TiBette reunion:

"Someone once told me, after a particularly bad break-up, that the usual lifespan of a broken heart is about nine months. At the nine-month juncture, you finally start to move on; you see the light and the edge of the abyss; you're almost ready to begin your life anew. At which point – in typical lesbian fashion – the girl who ditched you comes crawling back and says that she made a terrible mistake and you really are the love of her life and she doesn't know how she could have been so foolish. And for about half a second, you're overjoyed. And then you realize, you don't want to kiss her…

"Is that what's going to happen here? I'm not saying that Bette and Tina are getting back together – to be honest, I don't know what's going to happen – but if they do, are you sure it's going to make you happy…? Or are you setting us up, just to see how hard we fall? You see, your raging and weeping and agitating seem to be getting through to us. There was a time when we really thought Bette and Tina were kaput. We couldn't’t imagine they could ever recover from some of the acrimony you’ve only just witnessed in the first two episodes of season 4. But in fact, it's less clear to us now. Although, as many of you know, Bette gets a thrilling new lover in season 4. And Tina – well, we thought she had retired into heterosexuality for good – but then she started showing signs of life. We weren't expecting it. It took us by surprise. We were absolutely delighted!

"Here's the thing. It's been way longer than nine months, and there's no sign that you're moving on. But, hey, we're glad you're still here – and we love that you have hope. We're still here, too. And we're just as curious as you are to see how this story plays out.''

OK. What?

So, maybe there's hope. And maybe there's not. Maybe Tina will come crawling back and maybe Bette won't want to kiss her. Because, after all, Bette gets a "thrilling new lover.'' Except, the jury is still out on just how thrilling.

And clearly, Tina is gonna get over the man thing any second now. But for how long? Not to diss the bisexuals or anything. Many of you can pick a partner and stay committed to your choice. But can Tina?

Here's what The Creator told me on the phone recently about Tina's, um, fluidity:

"The truth is, some women go back to men and we never see them again. Some go back to men, then go back to women, then men. I think Tina is a character that we don't want to lose from our universe completely. I'm inclined to say she is one of those circular people.''

Which is a huge reason for Bette to stay the hell away!  But can she resist Tina when Tina's being manipulative? And what are the chances Tina won't get manipulative?

"You don't leave Bette Porter, watch her go on with her life and be with other women and not start to regret it,'' Ilene told me. "At a certain point, we have all done this. We have all left a relationship and that other person we walked way from starts a new relationship and we go, 'Oh my God, she looks good. What did I leave behind? Maybe I'm a fool.''

Um. Yeah. Maybe.

Maybe we're all fools to invest so much in this storyline. After all, The Creator can giveth, and The Creator can taketh away. And then giveth again. Not that she's saying she will.

Ilene Chaiken defends L Word's Papi

OK, so L Word creator Ilene Chaiken mentioned to me a couple of weeks ago that she's considering throwing a season finale party in Miami and bringing some cast members with her.

I think this is something we as a community really should campaign for, if for no other reason, to introduce Ilene to some three-dimensional Latina lesbians. You can drop Ilene a note telling her to come have a little fun in the sun at OurChart.com. She has her own blog on the site.

Like, does she really think there are Latinas like Papi out there? Let's see: Papi is a limo-drivin', card-playin', b-ballin' Casanova who has bedded more than a 1,000 chicks and can "make a woman c-- just by kissing her.''

Por favor!

She'll tap a little Alice ass, then a little Helena ass, all on the same day. No shower, no hand sanitizer, no nada in between. Oh, and she eats Mexican food. How nice for her.

Does Ilene think Latinas like this really exist?

"Yes, I know they really do exist,'' Ilene said. "We had started to wonder if there was somebody out there who could out-Shane Shane. I'm not somebody who spends a lot of time in clubs, but some of my colleagues who are more hooked up invited me to some places to prove to me that there really are players who can walk up to a girl and say hey and wind up going home with her.''

OK, but doesn't she think Papi is just a tad, um, cartoonish?

"We were just having fun with the character. She's not the least over the top. She really does exist. She's an effective player. But she's not meant to represent all of Latina culture. The more subtle part of the story is about how nobody really understands Shane. Shane has this reputation when all she does is hold back and people come up to her.''

OK, Ilene. But trust me, if Papi is what you found hanging out in L.A.'s Latin lesbian world, you really should spend a little time in Miami. Not that I'm saying there aren't any Papis here. Just that you can be a player and still have some layers.

So, Ilene, come on down to Miami. We've got mad love for you and all -- but you and your girls obviously need all the help you can get when it comes to writing a Latina character.

Bette Porter, maybe you really can do better.

Best thing about Livin' la Vida Loca: Dean Porter's arms. Except, what was up with those sleeves? A reference to the Flying Nun? Or those paper boat things we made as kids?

Worst thing about Livin' la Vida Loca:  Max's chin fuzz in HD. OK, no  - Jenny and her self-absorbed ranting. Please, can't somebody just put her out of our misery?

But let's not give Jenny too much airplay, because she'll just get off on it. Plus, there is something serious to discuss: I have to admit I've always been a TiBetter. But I had a major revelation watching this episode. Tina is kinda...I can't believe I'm gonna say this...lame.

I sorta thought this when I saw Candace put the moves on Bette in a way that Pillow Queena, as she has been called on some sites, couldn't have. But then came that Brief Encounter and I started rooting for that "First, Last and Forever" thing again.   

But what was up with Tina in that  scene with the movie studio boss?  The dude asks about Helena, the woman she used to date, the woman who gave her a job at the studio in the first place and the woman who desperately needs a job now, and Tina offers a crappy "She's a really great gal. She has a big heart.''

Unlike you, you passive-aggressive ice queen.  Bette, babe, maybe it's true. Maybe you really can do better.

And no, I'm not talking about Nadia. Who shows up to a job interview in shorts?  OK, OK, we'll let this one slide, Dean Porter. Obviously you're hard up. Been a long time since you rocked and rolled.  So go ahead, risk your brand new career on some cheesy T.A. who is clearly a loose canon.

"Hey, can I call you Bette?''  Uh, no.

But AlphaBette is definitely back. And we've seen her handle herself with a twink before. AlphaBette don't love dem hos, even if they feature lots of T and lots of A. She'll get her workout and she'll move on. Let's just hope Nadia doesn't have a thing for boiling bunnies.

As for Shane, cute with the kid. But who's handling the hair this season? Looks like somebody with a blindfold and a butter knife.

And then there's Papi. We're gonna have to come back to Cartoon Chola later. Really, Ilene -- a limo-drivin', babe-poppin' Latina who has more than a thousand notches in her belt and actually pimped her ride enough to have the back seat open into a bed? OK,  maybe I was still following.

But if you think a Latina will spend the whole night in the back of a car, deposit her conquest on the curb, and then, with no shower, no bidet, no nada, is gonna put the mack on her roommate -- well, then you just never met any CAPS. That's Cuban-American Princesses. Not too sure about the West Coast Latin girls Ilene, but we definitely don't roll like that in Miami.

But that skankerrrific moment takes nothing away from Alice. "Circles are good.'' Word. And Alice, you're even better.

Miami's L World has new reason to celebrate.

Here are a couple of pics from the opening of Pink, a hot new girl party Friday nights at SoHo Lounge, on 36st Street in Miami's upscaling urban core. The long line outside, baby dykes in Shane 'dos and the lipstick contingent in spikey heels, didn't quit til early morn.

No Bette Porter look-a-likes. But this being Miami and all, the Carmens and the Papis were a dime a dozen last night. 

Photos by Laury Garcia