The L Word(s)

And now a word from a sage guest blogger...

I know I'm being a downer today with all my TiBette angst. So, in the interest of offering what is perhaps a more even-keeled perspective on the finale, I bring you the musings of Lisa Arthur, a Miami Herald colleague who is probably a closet TiBetter but just won't admit it (just playin' Lisa.)

Here's Lisa's take:

Hey, all you TiBetters -- including you Lydia. I never figured you for the sentimental sap type -- please get a grip and settle down. I'm certain in the wake of  last night's season finale, you all are bunched up about the cruel miscarriage of romance, the missed signals, the miscommunication perpetrated on your heroines by Ilene Chaiken.

I know, I know. How could she send Bette into tractor-driving overdrive to woo back Jodi instead of having her fall back into the arms of  the pining Tina? How could she miss the opportunity for a chemistry-drenched "anchor" couple for the show? Like one of you said, even the shopping center needs an anchor. Frequently though, the anchors are predictable places like Walmart or Home Depot, big boring box stores.

I think it is a monumental step forward that Chaiken and crew didn't go the popular predictable route and reunite Bette and Tina just yet.

The character development-challenged writers at the L Word have finally allowed for some growth in Bette. If you have any doubt about that, go to the Tivo and replay that scene where she's standing next to the tractor all vulnerable-looking as she watches Jodi sauntering over. Really look at the wonderful uncertainty that plays across Bette's face as she waits for Jodi's reaction to the grand romantic gesture.

Tell me when, in four seasons, we've ever seen alpha Bette like this? Never. Jodi has pushed Bette to confront her control issues and put herself second for once.

Now, I'll grant you that if the writers had allowed similar growth in Tina, she would have thrown Bette down on the deck last week and ravished her right there in the back yard ending that tender, touching conversation with the hot sex we've all been missing this season. Or Tina might have tapped out on the Blackberry: "I still love you, Bette. Let's try again to be a family." and handed it to Bette and said "Well, how about it?" That would have kept you TiBetters abuzz til next season.

But maybe the L Word writers can only handle one major growth spurt at a time. I mean they certainly squandered the potential for Helena to change this season by making her into a pathetic prostitute, essentially.

Maybe Tina will leave the stereotype known as toenail-clipping-boring-straight-suburban- guy Henry and not take the easy path of falling into a relationship with the  annoying, pretentious (albeit attractive) director. (Though a no-strings sexual romp or two would be fine. SEX we want the sex back in our L Word.) Maybe Tina will be alone for awhile and grow some backbone. I mean she went from Bette to Helena to Bette to Henry. Some reflective time might be in order.

So, TiBetters, give it rest, eh? Stop calling for the head of Chaiken. Stop whining about the lack of chemistry and bad kisses between Jodi and Bette. We all know Tina and Bette will get back together again some day.

Probably right after Bette catches Jodi cheating on her with Nadia the grad student....

Lackluster is just another L Word for the season four finale.

   

Remember the first season of the L Word? It was all so fresh and full of promise. We fell hard for Bette and Tina and Dana and Alice and Shane and everybody. I do mean everybody. We were even into Jenny in the beginning. Jenny struggling to stay faithful to that sweet boy Tim (the only straight guy written with real respect on the L Word) even as she was being dismantled by the sultry Marina.

We weren't just in love with the L Word. We were obsessed. We watched episodes over and over, wore out the rewind buttons on our remote controls. Rehashed every scene with friends, read every word about the show online.

Now we're in a four-year relationship. Four years. The kiss of death for many lesbians. The blush is off and the dreaded bed death is setting in. You've been there, you've done it. And done it. And done it. And now it's all just very, you know, unsurprising.

Or, maybe that's just me. Maybe that's just how I do relationships. And the L Word. (Note to girlfriend: I mean, how I USED to do relatonships).

Last night - I hate to admit this - but I sorta fell asleep watching the finale. To be fair, I already knew what was gonna happen.

I knew Jenny would end up adrift on a soundstage sea after being called the C word by Tina (hee!). I knew Dana would make a sexy apparation to talk some sense into Alice. I knew Alice would put her fear and anger aside long enough to send Tasha back to war with some love, not a cold shoulder. I knew Max would still be irrelevant, tits or no. I knew Shane and Paige would start invoking the mighty U-Haul, and that they would play Leave-it- to-Beaver dressup, which had the potential to be sexy but only made Shane look even more like a little boy getting it on with his voluptuous mommy. I knew Helena would not really be saved in the end. She would rip off Catherine's cash and - what? I mean, why couldn't all those writers come up with a storyline even halfway valid for one of the  most watchable characters on this show?

And yes, I knew about Bette and that ridiculous tractor. I knew Tina would say every little thing to Bette that she and the rest of us have been yearning to hear. And that those words wouldn't really mean anything. Because to borrow from my friends at TWoP, Tina was just Cyrano de Bergerac-ing those lines to help Bette woo Jodi. I knew just seeing Bette and Tina together in their scenes would stir those early feelings -- because, honestly, how cute are they? How palpable is the energy that surges between those two actresses? And I knew in the end, Ilene would do nothing with all that Tibette chemistry except use it to string us along into one more season.

Still, in the past I could watch an episode of the L Word a couple of times and the second time would be just as thrilling as the first. Maybe more. This time -- well, maybe I was just tired. The truth is, I can't blame the finale exactly. It delivered some strong moments between Bette and Tina. It had something to say about gays in the military, and war in general. Marlee Matlin continued to shine. Papi sort of seemed human.

But, I don't know. I just don't feel as invested as I once was. I know many of you feel the same way. TiBetters, for one, have worked so hard to not get their hopes up this season. Because deep down we knew we wouldn't get Bette and Tina back together. Not yet, anyway.

That's why I personally have been such a ship-jumper. I spent the whole season willing myself to fall for JoBette because Jodi really did seem good for Bette and because I knew JoBette was as good as it was gonna get. You know, if you can't be with the one you love and all of that. But every time Ilene teased with a TiBette moment, the romantic in me had to swoon. Can you really blame me?

And now what? Now another season has ended. And once again, we're sitting here hoping next time will be better. Tina has made her misguided attempt to do the right thing and stay out of the way of Bette's new romance. Bette has made her misguided attempt to stop pining for her soulmate and move forward. (OK -- wait, so all of the pieces of that huge "17 Reasons Why!" sign fit into that rental van? And Bette and her girls managed to undo all those rusty bolts without even a can of WD-40? And then she, what? Got the whole thing clear across the country, rebuilt it, got some quickie tractor-driving lessons and...never mind. These are the kinds of questions that have never been worth asking about the L Word.)

Anyway, we have made our attempts, too -- to stay faithful to a show that just doesn't move us like it used to. Yes, there have been good times. But there have been so many heartbreaks, too. So many squandered opportunities. So many WTF moments.

But the truth is, a lot of us will keep watching. Because, well, there IS Jennifer Beals. And because, to be honest, where else are we gonna get our fix of TV lesbians? Plus, it's not like lesbians end relationships when they naturally peter out. We stay for a few years after that. Because bed death can be cozy.

And because, who knows? Maybe things do get better. Maybe the L Word will still surprise us.  Maybe season five will deliver the passion of season one. Maybe.

Sigh. As the message board folks say: TiBette in 08!

Insular much?

It was just brought to my attention that a couple of folks over at TWoP think I'm ripping them off because I have suggested that Tina is a "pillow queen'' and because I used the term "Haterade'' in my latest post.

I do occasionally read the L Word stuff on that site -- and some of it is fun and inspired. In fact, I try to get a sense of what's happening on a couple of the L Word sites. Because part of what I do is report back on the general chatter about the show.

So here's a news flash for TWoP: Several sites have called Tina a pillow queen over time. You know why? Because that's what she's been. It's a pretty common term. You don't have to be that quick to look at Tina and say, "Gee, she's kind of a pillow queen.''  And, you guys hardly coined the term. You didn't coin "Haterade,'' either. I've been using that term, and have heard endless others use that term, like, forever. In other words, it ain't that fresh and it ain't that hip. Google it. It's even an entry at urbandictionary.com.

But anyway, props to those of you who ARE fresh and hip at TWoP.  And some of you are. Wait, do one of you wanna say I stole "props?" 

But I'll tell you what -- from now on I'll try to occasionally link to the most entertaining posts over there. And please feel free to alert me to whatever you think I should highlight.

Peace.

Admit it. Deep down, we're all TiBetters.

Tina, Tina, Tina. You know what, you passive-aggressive twit? You deserve to wake up to Humdrum Henry clipping his toenails at the coffee table. Him or the grungy director dyke in her nasty army jacket. Why is Annabella Sciorra’s character always chewing gum and why is she holding an unlit cigarette during that lunch meeting? Does that make her tougher, more street, a bigger lesbo? And why are so many folks on various message boards swooning over her L Word character? Sorry, she’s looking pretty skank to me.

Clearly, she is no Bette Porter, not even close. Not even these days when Bette is sporting one ridiculous billowy blouse after another. Like, is this how you wanna dress your alpha dyke? But back to Tina for a sec: Are you so clueless, T honey, that you don’t see that Bette Porter, the woman you’re back to worshipping, is still completely in love with you, too? Yeah, yeah, she’s crying over Jodi. Who can blame her for clinging to a new girlfriend after you drop-kicked her for that zero of a man? OK, she cheated first. But she has more than paid for that mistake, don’t you think?

Come on Tina, be a woman for once and tell Bette you’re done with Henry and the director dyke is hardly gonna do it for you. Tell her you want her back. Give her one break one time and just spell it all out.

And Bette? Honestly, you’re supposed to be such a badass -- are you not going to summon the ovaries to look into the eyes of the woman you know is your soulmate and ask outright if maybe there’s still hope? You know Tina is what you want (though, we certainly understand why you waver.) Tina sucks for not communicating directly, but you suck for refusing to hear any of the hints she’s been dropping. And to be fair, it makes sense that Tina would be intimidated by what you’ve got going with Jodi. Of course she feels out of her league. Objectively, she is. But what Tina doesn’t get is that love is funny. She’s still the girl who moves you most.

It's mutual, actually. So why are you two so stuck? And Ilene, why do you keep toying with our emotions?

Wait – don’t answer that. We know why. Because you know we’re gonna keep watching your show, no matter how many seasons it runs and how tired the rest of the storylines get, until those crazy kids finally come together in a heated, soap opera embrace. And please Ilene, don’t forget the steamy makeup sex. That’s really what we’re in this for. If we’re gonna be as honest and direct as we’d like our two heroines to be, we have to admit we pay good money for Showtime because we want to see lesbian stories that are as naked as possible. Lately you’ve been leaving us high and dry.

Anyway Ilene, you know and we know that TiBette is the best game you’ve got going. Really, the only game you’ve got going. Because we love, love, love Leisha Hailey. And we’re down with the Alice-Tasha thing. But where are you going with that? And Shane? She’s still our girl, but we’re lukewarm about that playing house with Paige thing. As for Helena -- you’ve changed her personality so many times, all we can do is feel sad for her when we witness her season four lobotomy – and comfort ourselves with those scenes where her nipples get more convincing lines than she does. I’d venture to say that even the most vocal TiBette haters are closet fans. How could they not be? Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman just have an undeniable chemistry together, unlike anything you have been able to create with any other pairing on this show, Ilene. That exchange between those two in Bette’s yard? Lovely.

We’re certainly not on the edge of our seats waiting to see what happens to the Kit-Papi-Angus triangle. In fact, we’re averting our gaze when you show us messed up sh*t like a sweaty Kit trying to focus on whatever it is Papi is hoping to accomplish between her legs. So not hot. But less revolting maybe than watching Max get some. I mean, of course his rubber appendage was gonna be limp. At least in previous seasons when you gave us sex involving toys, the toys were nice and sturdy. Guess what Ilene? We still don’t give a sh*t about Max. We never will. As we’re sure we’ve mentioned before, it isn’t that we can’t deal with a tranny storyline. It’s just that this particular tranny storyline is just plain flaccid.

But yes, we definitely give you mad props for all the Jenny hating in episode 11. About time somebody verbalized what we’ve all been thinking from day one.

“F*ck Jenny, just f*ck Jenny!’’

Indeed.

And we’re glad it was Dean Porter who got to deliver that line. But seriously, what the hell is AlphaBette wearing half the time? Those kids who were snickering in the hall were not snickering because they just read about Bette’s sexploits in Jenny’s book. They were snickering about the dean’s frilly-ass getups. This silly sh*t is so not what a hot assertive dean wears to campus. Ilene, if you’re worried about that almighty youth demo, you should stop dressing Bette like somebody’s uptight grandma.

As for Jodi, we like her. And we’ll take her for a spell if we have to. After all, let's not forget she's the one who got control freak Bette stoned out of her mind at that college party. She’s probably good for Bette -- for a minute. Plus, the Bette-Jodi-Tina triangle does hold promise. Hope you don’t squander in season five what you have set up pretty well at the end of season four, Ilene. Though, you know we’ll keep watching either way. We’re hard up for anything that reflects our lives. And yes, bitching about the L Word is not only a fun sport, but often the thing that gets us chatting when we meet at the clubs, the backyard barbecues, the fundraisers, the political powwows.

Your show connects us, Ilene, and that’s huge. Don’t hold it against us that we sometimes hafta toast with Haterade. Just give us TiBette next season, and an extended B.E. Part II (yes, there are enough hardcore followers who know exactly what I'm talking about here), and we promise to break out the Dom instead.

Jodi, "You all dat, gurl.''

Well, TiBetters, now what? Yes, there is still undeniable chemistry between Tina and Bette, and now that they're actually trying to play nice instead of hatin' on each other, we see glimpses of what they once were, before the cheating and the drama. And yes, it was sweet.

But can we really continue to deny the grown-up, and potentially sexier energy between Jodi and Bette?  Can we really say JoBette may not ultimately be a better idea? Sure, there is a cuteness to TiBette. But Bette remains a control freak, still trying to speak for Tina at every turn (she did it at last night's dinner party, she did it at the Planet when Jenny wasn't sure she wanted to go with Tina's film studio.) And Tina remains a passive-aggressive child who  puts up with it and who could probably have Bette back in a heartbeat if she could just speak clearly for once.

Come on Tina, just say what you're really thinking. Tell Bette in plain English that you're done with Henry, that you're still madly in love with her and that you want to come home. Tell her before it's too late. Tell her you're throwing Kate in her face (why is Annabella Sciorra always in a nasty army jacket? Is that the actress trying to give "I'm a dyke?'') not because you really have feelings for the director of Jenny's little movie, but because you're compensating for the devastation of  watching your soulmate have an intense connection with someone else.

But you won't say all that, will you Tina? Because you have a lot of growing up to do. Maybe you'll never be that honest, no matter how old you are. Would you ever call Bette on her sh*t? Matter fact, would Bette ever call you on yours? No, you two would probably continue with your lame dynamic if you got back together.

Which brings us to Jodi. Was that the sound of TiBetters finally jumping ship last night when Jodi and Bette fantastically faced off after the dinner party?

And is last night what it feels like to finally watch a decently-written episode of the L Word?  I mean, forget Max for a minute (I know, I know, you already have.) But you gotta admit that was pretty good development in the growing Bette-Tina-Jodi triangle.  BeTiJo anyone? Hmmm. Uh, sorry, my mind just wandered into the gutter for a second.

And damn it Bette, you sure are hot. Loved the way you inched down Jodi's bod to take that crumpled dinner party list out of her pants with your teeth. But you really are kind of scary sometimes. Your new girlfriend is begging you to stop interpreting for her. But you just can't hear her, can you?  Talk about deaf.

But see, that's the beauty of JoBette. They did talk about it. They screamed about it, even. But they sure as hell didn't sweep it under the carpet. Because Jodi's too fierce to put up with Bette's bullsh*t.

Bette: "I want to be in a relationship with someone who works with me.''

Jodi: "Bette, you want yo be in a relationship with someone who works FOR you...I saw you tonight. You tried to control everything. You tried to control Tina. You tried to control what she said to the director. You tried to control Kit. And you wanted to be my interpreter and control how I talked to everyone!''

Bette:  F*ck you, f*ck you!''

And f*ck you, Ilene, for denying us the hot makeup sex that should have come after that.

Just kidding Mizz Chaiken. We give you props for episode 10. And for bringing Marlee Matlin to the L Word. Excellent scene at the begining of the episode when Jodi has that sign language throwdown with the girl she dropped for Bette. Is it just us, or is Marlee  stepping up JB's acting game?

And wait a sec -- Did Jodi tell Bette she loved her?  And did Bette acknowlege, but not respond? What was that about?

OK, on to Shane and Paige. We're trying, but we're just not feelin' it, are we? 

And Kit? She plays the drunk well, but why does it seem she's just around these days for the -- shall we call it urban comic relief?  But yeah Kit, you're right. Jodi is definitely all "dat."

And so is Tasha. Except, if she's so bad, why can't she tell Uncle Sam to stick it?  Why stay in the military that demands you don't ask and don't tell? Why be  in a club -- and maybe die for a club -- that doesn't want you as a member?   

And Helena, why aren't you going AWOL on Catherine?  Why can't you see she's using you? Talk about getting f*cked at the horse races.  And where is Peggy Peabody when you need her? Are we even gonna see her this season?

Go ahead, exhale! Season Five is a done deal.

Will Jodi work through her fear of children and commitment? Will she give up her player ways and settle down with Dean Porter, the hottest ball and chain in WeHo?

Will Baby A learn more sign language?

Or will Tina convince Bette they should be each other's last and forever? Come on Tina, that earring trick worked once. Why not try it again?

Also, will Max move to San Francisco? Please? And take Jenny with him?

The answer to these and many other questions may or may not be answered in season five of the L Word, because, well, you know the L Word. But rest assured, there will definitely be a season five. So says Showtime in just-released statement:

LOS ANGELES (March 8, 2007) -- On the heels of a year highlighted with industry recognition and critical acclaim for its award-winning original programming including WEEDS, DEXTER, and BROTHERHOOD, SHOWTIME has ordered a fifth season of its hit drama series THE L WORD®, it was announced today by Robert Greenblatt, President of Entertainment, SHOWTIME Networks Inc.  Twelve new episodes are set to begin production this summer and premiere on  SHOWTIME sometime in early 2008. The series was recently nominated for the GLAAD Media Award for Outstanding Drama Series.

"THE L WORD® is a signature franchise for us and one of our most popular series,” says Greenblatt. “This season's guest star Cybill Shepherd and new series regular Marlee Matlin are indicative of the show's great quality. With our launch of OurChart.com (a social networking site that grew directly out of THE L WORD®), and the show's growing popularity in Second Life, this series goes well beyond the boundaries of a mere television show.  Since its launch in 2004, the zeitgeist has never been the same."

THE L WORD®, which premiered its fourth season on January 7th, is one of  SHOWTIME’s most popular series, generating a large and loyal audience, as well as critical praise for its provocative, sexy storylines, the principal cast and for being a magnet for celebrated directors and guest stars..." 

Bette, we feel your pain. Max's? If he can't get it up, why should we?

Important things to ponder after episode nine of The L Word:

• Couldn't they have shot a more entertaining angle of Dean Porter climbing that scaffoldy thing in her pencil skirt? Amusing nod to Flashdance, whether or not it was on purpose, when Bette donned the butchy coveralls and goggles to wield power tools with Jodi. But what is that thing Jodi is building?
• What was going on with Tasha's hair under that do-rag?
• Cute, if not entirely believable stuff with Phyllis' husband sitting in bed with Alice, Tasha, Papi and Helena discussing why Phyllis turned into a lesbian after two kids and a long marriage. But Alice and Tasha had obviously been going at it all night -- did either of them WASH at any point, or did they just hang out in bed with all those people all afternoon being, you know, unfresh?
• After sad hubby leaves and the girls break out that bottle of wine, why did they resort to three coffee mugs and a toothbrush holder? Are we to believe that Alice doesn't own any wine glasses or juice glasses or tumblers or whatever -- or at least four coffee mugs? Did they really need to break out a toothbrush holder? Alice doesn't exactly live in a college dorm room. She has a pretty hooked up apartment with nice furniture and real art on the walls. Just another L Word WTF.
• Did I have a strange L Word nightmare, or was that really Marina being more scary than usual in some bizarre girlie musical bit?  And is she ever going to have a real exchange with Jenny after everything that happened between them? Or is she just going to pop up every now and then like some ghost of dyke drama past?  Hey Jenny, you should hurry up and throw yourself at the apparition who brought you out of the closet. She's more perfect for you than ever, now that she's playing lesbo circus ring master. We all know how much you love a circus.
• As for Tina, well, she's looking pretty hot these days (was she always that tall, or was Jenny always that short?) But what was the deal with the  high-water pantsuit?

OK, OK, maybe those aren't the most important things to ponder, but is there really anything intelligent to say about this episode? Last week, we had that giant breakthrough with Tina telling Bette she still loved her and missed her and thought she had made a mistake. There were major sparks. The connection was obviously still there. We know, we saw it.

This week, not only do we get no TiBette scenes at all, but Bette is devastated because she chanced upon Jodi in the college parking lot being all touchy with another woman. Bette, are you really going to ignore what just went down with Tina and fixate on a woman you've only known for a few weeks and is already off f*cking other chicks? 

But, have to say, that jealous fuming by Bette, followed by the  excellent backpedaling  by Jodi almost has us back on the JoBette train.

Jodi: "Every time I looked at her my head filled with pictures of you. Her skin didn't feel as soft as yours. I didn't like the way she touched me. And her kiss didn't make my head spin the way yours does. You've ruined me for anybody else.''

Bette: "You're a f*cking heartbreaker.'' 

Sigh. And we're such easy victims of Ilene's evil string pulling. JoBette, TiBette, JoBette, TiBette. We're more of a hot mess than Bette herself.

Speaking of hot messes -- is Helena really doing all that dirty work for card shark lady and not negotiating her cut?  And is she really running to pick up card shark lady's dry cleaning like that? Better yet, did Rachel Shelley just dumbly go along with the crap she was given to read this season without throwing any tantrums?

Shane, we felt your pain when your dirt bag father came to snatch your little brother out of your arms. Max, your mother died after an illness you didn't even know about, and your sister is telling you to stay away from the funeral because you're a tranny freak -- but we still don't feel YOUR pain. And do you know why? Because we don't believe you do. You just ain't conveyin'.

Plus, it's not like you actually CHANGED that much since you decided to go the tranny route. Why is your sister tripping about how all of a sudden, after what you've done to yourself, you should have some respect and stay away. When you were Moira and living at home, you were an army-jacket wearing bulldagger type. As Max, you're an army-jacket wearing bulldagger type, but  with a little facial fuzz. A quickie shave and an unstrapping of the boobs and you should be good to go.

As for Kit and Papi and Angus. Ugh.

Then there's Jenny. We want to hate her, we really do. But we enjoyed her diss of Garry Marshall and his oeuvre Pretty Woman when he said he wanted to turn her book into a silly romantic comedy.

"OK,  what if Jessie is a sex worker, OK? And Karina is like, a wealthy businesswoman. And then Karina hires Jessie for the night, sweeps her off her feet. They fall madly in love, takes her shopping on Rodeo Drive..." 

Hee. 

Next week on the L Word: Jodi tells Bette she loves her. And Bette and the rest of us act like affection-starved teenagers. See what you've done to us, Tina? I mean, Ilene?