(Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman. Image belongs to Showtime.)
I know how some of you feel. You need to know and you need to know right now how the entire fifth season of the L Word is going to unfold. You need to know if Bette and Tina manage put all the crazy drama behind them to fulfill that First, Last and Forever thing. Who cares what happened in the middle -- a carpenter slamming Bette against her office wall, a dude slamming Tina against her and Bette's bedroom wall --as long as First, Last and Forever wins the day?
And if they do hook up, how will it happen? Will Bette just grab Tina one fine day, when Tina least expects it, and plant a passionate kiss on her? Will Tina fall to her knees and beg Bette to snap out of her denial? Because after all, Bette will always be in love with Tina. Tina, not Jodi.
Except, let's not forget that whole 17 Reasons Why situation. I mean, Bette fended off scary dogs, climbed atop an abandoned building and wielded serious tools to rip off a huge sign. Then she had the sign shipped clear across the country, somehow put the thing back together (shrinking it along the way) and pulled it behind a tractor to bestow it on Jodi. Do you go through all of that for a woman who doesn't move you?
Well, I could spoil some of the fun and tell you whether or not Bette and Tina go at it in Season Five. But if I did, you'd be in my boat, which is not a better boat than the one you're in today. I can tell you some stuff, which will take the fun out of being surprised by it when it hits your TV screen (I spoke to someone else in the media who saw the first 8 episodes and she said she actually screamed when a certain something happened a few episodes in), but I haven't watched the entire season. Nobody, except the powers at the L Word, knows how this is all going to end.
So if I tell you, for example, who it is that Bette throws onto that bed, it won't really answer any ultimate questions for you. It'll just ruin the moment when it does come. I will say this: Who she slams against the bed is not necessarily as crucial as what drives her to do the slamming. Plus, don't be so sure you know what she actually does once she has that girl, whoever that girl is, beneath her. Because what she actually does is WAY hotter than what you think she does.
Merry Christmas, girls!