So did anyone watch The L Word last night? Or did you all catch the OurChart version last week so that you could be free to sleep through the Oscars on Sunday?
Either way, you probably found yourself nodding off. Neither show was particularly thrilling. But at least the L Word isn't navel-gazing and self-congratulatory. Um, wait a minute...
I mean, can we talk about the hell we put ourselves through just so that we can witness an "ultimately triumphant love story" between two women? OK, maybe we're not all in it for anything that grand. Maybe we just want to watch hip, hot lesbians having fun friendships and getting off.
But how ridiculous are we, the way we hurt our brains trying to come up with reasonable motivations and excuses for all those holes in the narrative? And how ridiculous that we have been engaged in this for five seasons?
Let's start with Bette and Tina, who both need to get bitch slapped right about now. You're off, you're on, you're off again -- but without any real conversation about how you might actually feel about each other? Never mind how high the stakes are right now? The fact you parent a child together? That you're both supposedly serious adults? Tina, you're going to show up at Jodi's dinner even after Bette has come all the way out to the Lez Girls set to tell you how uncomfortable that would make her? Your excuse for accepting the invitation from Jodi is that you thought Bette wanted you there as much as Jodi did. But Bette is standing here telling you she was shocked when she heard Jodi invited you, with a date, no less.
Bette is practically begging you not to show up, and you're still gonna go? Like, why? It's not the event of the season. Not some big reunion for the extended family. It's just some small dinner to allow Jodi to show off her cooking skills and her hideous outfit. How about just calling Jodi (or texting her or whatever is appropriate) and gracefully bowing out with some story about how tied up you are on the set? I mean, honestly.
And can we talk about the actual dinner for a sec? So it's a small dinner for eight but everybody is already eating when Tina and Sam show up? Tacky. Even tackier is the fact that Shane and Molly get up right in the middle of dinner, without any excuses or announcements, grab a bottle of wine off the table and go outside to smoke and make out. Huh? Who does this?
And Tina, why would you bring a date up in Bette's face at this juncture? Here Bette has gone and done something way out of character (I know, I know, everybody on this show constantly does stuff that's out of character) and actually shared some of her feelings with you. She's so conflicted. It's so written all over her face. The screwing around you have done behind Jodi's back has actually meant something to her. Can't you see that? She knows she needs to figure out a way to leave Jodi for you.
This is big, Tina. Why are you showing up at Bette's girlfriend's place with some random date you know you don't want anything to do with anyway. Aren't you past throwing a girl in Bette's face so she pays attention? Hello, she's paying attention. She just needs to figure out how to get back to you. And come on, not like you didn't push her away in the first place. Remember, Bett "f*cked up,'' she didn't "f*ck off." Now you're gonna look Bette in the eye and tell her you don't want to be the one to break up her and Jodi? You might have thought about that before you threw yourself at Bette in the kitchen that steamy afternoon. And then did her again in your own bed. How much sneaking around have you two been doing, anyway? And why did you pass up a perfectly good opportunity to get it on in that trailer? But, seriously, I understand why you want Bette to take care of business on her own and why you don't want to be in the middle of this. But, guess what, you're in the middle. How about the two of you figure something out together, since you're so obviously seriously in love here.
Of course, once everyone leaves the room to check out Jodi's sculpture outside, you're gonna have a hard time keeping your hands off each other, even though you have just agreed to stop with the fooling around. Sigh. I know, love is complicated. And passion makes us stupid. Which is why, even though too often the L Word's storytelling makes us scream at our TV, we keep watching. It's a bad relationship for us, we know this. But we don't know how to quit it. We're as hooked as Bette and Tina. Let's just hope Bette's suggestion that they go see their old shrink leads to something positive.
As for Alice and Tasha. Well, who knows what's going to happen next. Tasha has just had some last-minute epiphany about living her life with integrity. Although integrity is something she was glad to do without all these years. I mean, she fought to stay in a military that demanded she lie about some pretty fundamental stuff. And at the end of her Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell trial, she was guaranteed she could stay, which is all she ever wanted. All she had to do was go along with one more little lie. But instead, she gave it all up to shout her love for Alice. Aw. Let's hope she sticks to her guns later when she's out there in the cruel world without a J.O.B. and a girlfriend who essentially is still very different from her. Let's hope she's glad she put integrity first.
Certainly, nobody on the set of Lez Girls is worried about integrity. Which I guess is Ilene Chaiken's little stab at gay Hollywood. Does it make sense that Tina would be the first to suggest finding the lead actress a beard so that audiences believe she's straight? I mean, Tina has been written as someone with fine dyke politics. Or, at least Tina always believed she had fine dyke politics, even when she was screwing a man. Hey, at least she's always been out. You'd think she'd try to be some sort of catalyst for change in Hollywood. Side note: Can Bette really respect Tina for doing this sort of thing? I mean, Bette is hardly virtuous in love, but her politics have always been right on. She would never sweep her sexuality, or anybody else's, under the carpet for the sake of a paycheck. And here the love of her life and the mother of her child is being the kind of Hollywood scum she has always hated. But, whatever. Why dissect this?
I guess the message is, even today, in too many arenas, if you play by the rules and keep to the closet, you get to stay in the game. Like Niki in Hollywood. But if you bust out of the closet, you get drop-kicked from the life you want. Like Tasha in the Army.
But, either way, I think I've just about reached my threshold on the Lez Girls drama. And you know what? Niki is annoying. There, I said it. I don't give a f*ck what happens to her. She's hot, sure. But she's stupid. And are we really buying that she's in love with Jenny?
Speaking of stupid. Shane certainly isn't. But she is uneducated, and going nowhere. Phyllis is not wrong about this. Not very nice of Phyllis to tell her LSAT-acing daughter that Shane is sort of beneath her. But, it's not an unreasonable thing for a mother to say. Shane, you're having fun getting all the babes now. But an aging Fonz is not a pretty picture. You really should make something of yourself.
Though, I guess an Ivy League education and a serious career won't necessarily prevent you from being a cheating dog. Look at Dean Porter.