The L Word(s)

We'll always have Season One.

        Why isn’t Jenny dead yet? Forget ripping off the screenplay idea from Alice, hiding Molly’s love letter in the attic, probably stealing the Les Girls negative, lobotomizing Shane and messing up Helena’s good thing with Dylan.

 

    Now she’s got Max at some weird throne in a bizarre getup for his baby shower. As if Max needed any help looking like a freakshow. And no, I’m not being anti-tranny. I’m just being anti…well, you know. At this point, I’m not bailing on the L Word and its ridiculous, mind-numbing storytelling because it’s the final season and we’re only two episodes away from being put out of our miseries.

 

    I know many of you are doing your best to enjoy whatever scraps you can. And I don’t blame you for hanging in there. I’ve tried. But, really, I’m tired of having to make do with scraps. Like the Alice-Tasha-Jamie triangle business, which did yield a hot little moment on the couch between Alice and Tasha. But it was over much too quickly. And why hit us over the head with the fact that Jamie is just feet away, naked and in the shower and hearing everything, when you’re not going to go anywhere with that?

 

    And wait – these three are supposed to be so inseparable all of a sudden, right? So why are Alice and Tasha acting like they had no idea their crush has a dog? OK, maybe Talice had never visited Jamie's apartment. But in all their time together she never mentioned having to get home to walk the dog or anything?

 

Whatever. At least Bette is once again in fighting form now that she’s back in her element, mackin’ at her own gallery opening. Yeah, she made a pretty hot dean. But academia can be so stuffy. So many rules. Bette’s a lot sexier prowling around a room full of art snobs with a glass of champagne in her hand. And I don’t want to ever hear her tell Tina she didn’t flirt big-time with her ex-roommate Kelly.  She pours it on thick anytime she’s anywhere near Kelly. But, I say bring on a cheating Bette. Why not? It may be wrong. But it’s definitely more fun than watching Max having a pregnant man hormone meltdown.

 

    Though, gotta give Bette credit for stopping Kelly cold when she showed up at the house later, bubbly in hand. Awww. Bette is so in love with her baby mama she just can’t kiss another girl, not anymore, not even to cash in on the little somethin’-somethin’ she had been begging for since she and Kelly were just college kids.

 

    I suppose I’m glad Bette kept it in her pants. Though, since I’m not really following the inept storylines anymore because (well, what’s the point of that?) I would have been perfectly happy to watch Beals get it on with Elizabeth Berkley. Especially since they’re supposed to be BFFs in real life and all. Which begs the question: isn’t JB an Ivy-leaguer? Isn’t she supposed to be brilliant and deep and everything? Like, what do she and Berkley talk about?

 

    Never mind. Now I’m just being mean. They do have some chemistry together, I’ll give them that. I’ll also give points to Joyce for sending that text to Phyllis talking about how boring Tina and Bette were. No s---! How can you take the couple that delivered major explosives last season and sideline them for most of the final season? Major waste.

 

    But, hey! I’m perking up because the series is almost over. It fell apart at the end, but I’ll always remember the good times. And according to the spoiler stuff out there, it looks like there will be a short TiBette moment to rejoice in before the series signs off for good. Which is a good thing, because I’m still trying to erase images of the bearded, big-bellied Max contemplating the breast pump thingie.

 

A happy little TiBette scene might just do the trick. See, I don’t ask for much. Not anymore. Except, please, somebody kill Jenny already. Seriously. Except, what will the girls do with Sounder once his crazy master has moved on to her big dirt nap?

Somebody wake me when Dylena is back on screen.

Last week, I watched 604 with a crowd of girls at a friend's place. Lots of wine and spirits and smart snacks. Plus some other party favors outside that of course, I personally did not partake in. Not to mention good old-fashioned lesbian gossiping, flirting and carrying on. Then the episode came on. And the fun was sucked right out of the room. Just like that. Because the final season of the L Word is rock bottom for a series filled, certainly from the second season on, with implausible plot lines, personality transplants, complete disregard for continuity and general WTFness.

There we all were, grooving at a nice little party. And once the L Word came on it was Instant Buzz Kill. The second the episode was over, everybody scurried home, no post-game wrap up.

Last night my gf and I watched alone at home. And barely stayed awake. We've lost our will to even snark at the sh*t on our TV screen. How sad is that?

Let's see, what were the highlights of 605?

Jenny trying to keep Shane on a short leash. Jenny stealing Alice's story and selling it for $500,000. Tina's angry ranting at the Hollywood pr*cks (We know Julia Sugarbaker. We cheered her indignant, Southern-flavored rants over the years. Sorry, T, but you are no Julia Sugarbaker. Neither are you Bette, so settle the f*ck down.) The continued fear of Bette doing her cheesy, overly flirty former college roommate (who was straight and bolted when Bette tried to put the moves on her back in the day and continues to be straight judging by all the men she hits on, but somehow is being sold to us as a huge threat to the future of TiBette.) The Alice-Tasha-Jaime triangle that seems will never pay off in any fun way for the viewers.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

I did perk up for the Helena and Dylan love scenes. But, come on, how ridiculous is it that Helena would want Dylan back after the serious extortion sh*t she pulled a couple of seasons ago. I might have considered the, um, deployment of the mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Ms. Dylan Moreland at Kit and Helena's nightclub sort of amusing. Except for the fact that this little scheme felt like a rip-off of the Season One mission to ascertain the deal with one Ms. Lara Perkins.

It might be distressing that the L Word, in its sixth and final season, is so out of decent story lines that it has to rip off not only tabloid headlines (Bearded man gives birth! Boozing starlet likes girls!) but has to cannibalize itself. Except...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Well, I guess if the L Word could actually eat itself... Oh, never mind.

Just kill Jenny already, get Max to spit out that baby, break up whatever couples you're going to break up and put us all out of our misery.

Here's hoping to be less afflicted by L Word ennui next week.

Shenny, schmenny. It may be time to start worrying about TiBette.

 

Remember Season Five? Remember when Bette grabbed Tina at the club, kissed her, then sobbed because she so missed her soul mate after their heart-wrenching separation? Remember how we sat on the edge of our seats through that, through Stir Fry Sex, through Honey Sex, through Elevator Sex, through the Dance of Hotness? Yes, Bette cheated again. But can you call it cheating when Bette stepped out on Jodi to be with the woman who never stopped owning her heart? And did Tina really do any wrong? Or was she just taking back what was rightfully hers? It was all so hot and heavy last year, wasn't it?

Well, hang on to the memories folks, because it's not looking so good for the Couple With The Best  Chemistry Ever. No, I haven't watched Season Six all the way to the finale. I don't know for sure what goes down.  But if you believe all the spoilers -- Oh, wait. I guess I should let you know now that  if you're trying to stay unspoiled you should STOP READING NOW. Just...SHOO!

OK, where was I? If you believe all the spoilers, you got all the TiBette sex scenes you were gonna get. There ain't no more. Not ever.  So start dusting off those previous seasons because Six is gonna suck for TiBetters especially.

Now, as always, it's possible the spoilery out there is full of sh*t and TiBette is gonna burn the house down before it's all over.  It's also possible, as some of the rumors go, that Ilene Chaiken still has a little something up her sleeve and she's going to edit the end of season six in such a way that even her stars will be shocked and awed when they see how the story resolves.

But I've been worried since I interviewed JB a few weeks back. It's never been like JB to give up even a tidbit of spoilery. But, for some reason, she was letting it all hang out this time.

"I certainly would have liked it to have ended differently...Knowing what I know,'' she said.

So what does she know? Are Bette and Tina going to be OK? I mean, it would be pretty terrible if after everything those two have been through -- and everything they have put US through -- they wind up breaking up in the end.

"That would be terrible,'' Beals said. "Did I mention that I'm sad about the ending of the show?''

Gulp. I mean, did JB really mean this? I had been holding off on sharing this little tidbit because, well, I didn't want to be the one offering bad news. I suppose it's possible JB was just joshing. But she repeated this bombshell  a couple of times during the interview. She didn't say it was off the record. Maybe her guard was down. Or, maybe she wanted all the ardent TiBette fans to brace for the worst. I don't know.

But I do know that we moved on to talking about the L Word convention in Blackpool back in November and I asked her about that moment when she told the crowd that  there was no big cast good-bye because everybody wrapped at different times. She was on stage with Laurel Holloman and she broke down and cried as she said to her "I just never had the opportunity to say thank you.''  It was so moving, watching the women stand and hug and cry. Check it out on Youtube.

"Because she and I wrapped on different days, we didn't have a moment to say good-bye,'' Beals told me. "You draw your own conclusions. And because we were in front of 1,900 people, I had to start sobbing. It's a definable illness.''

All I know is that I'm having a hard time watching the final season because I keep hearing those words from JB.  Well, I'm having a hard time watching this season for a lot of reasons, including that the shark-jumping sh*t is just a giant, repeating WTF.

That whole thing with Max at Lamaze class with a full beard and a belly? My hands were covering my ears and I was LA LA LAl!  Sorry, I can't deal with this pregnant man story any more than Tom could deal with those vagina stretching exercises. I mean,  give us one break one time!

I know many of you are still dealing with your eyes bleeding over Shenny sex. But, really, compared to Max with child (the beard looks even more fake-ass than the belly) , almost anything will work for me.

The Shane and Jenny closet editing stuff was fun enough. But if I came home and found that my roommate, who I started f*cking just a couple of days before, turned my bedroom into an office for herself, I'd torch the place with her in it. But, I guess Jenny has to die in Bette and Tina's pool and Shane has to play whipped.

Hey Shane, why don't you two gals leave the closets for another day and clean out the ATTIC? You might find some disturbing stuff up there, but if it speeds up Jenny's demise, I'm all for it.

I had high hopes for the possibility of an Alice and Tasha threesome with the new girl. But who the hell wants to live through more vegan food and board games?

 Helena and Dylan? I'm there. It's possible this couple is our last hope for hotness. And you would never kick Miss Peabody out of bed for eating anything,  not nutloaf and not caviar.

As for TiBette...maybe there is somehow still hope?

Whatever happens, just don't shoot the messenger.

I ain't mad at Shenny. But what's up with TiBette?

Why is eveverybody on the L Word so bent out of shape about Shane and Jenny getting it on? Aren't these people lesbians? Don't they know lesbians do this sort of thing all the time? Cue the excruciating theme song because it's definitely the way that we live -- and looooove!  Lesbians tend to end up in bed with their roommates and BFFs. It's just a thing lesbians do. They're not always, you know, boundaried. Wait, is that a word? I've had lesbian shrinks throw that word at me more than once. Which is one of the reasons I gave up lesbian shrinks for straight male shrinks.

But that's another story. The point is, Shane and Jenny have cute energy together and I'm totally buying that they would end up in the sack. And yeah, I can see why everybody is in LMFAO mode. Though, that Bette cackle at the end seemed way overdone.I mean, what's so f-ing funny?  But the fact that they're getting down all of a sudden is not nearly as grody and gagillicious  as, say, Max taking the strap-on to Billy that one time at the Planet. That was a total ew!  Kit and Papi? Double ew! But Shenny? What's surprising is that it didn't happen earlier. Not that this relationship will have great potential, given Shane's intimacy problems and  Jenny's general psychoness. (Not a word either? Sue me. My editor doesn't even read my L Word blog, so I can get away murder here.)

But, hey, big ups to Mia. Really. She is just  so much better than most of the cast at the acting thing. But why name names this late in the game? Let's focus on the positives for a second:

There's Mia's inspired interpretation of freaskshow Jenny. And Leisha's great way with Alice. And the comfortable, fun interaction between some of the cast in the final season. You get the sense that these women have gotten close over six years and are just having a fun time playing off each other this time around. Look at Shane and Jenny together. There's fun familiarity there that makes their hookup pretty believable. 

Phyllis firing Bette  at the bar was sort of fun, too. Then again, real actors seem to bring out the best in JB and Cybill Shepherd is a solid veteran who seemed to have pulled some decent comedy out of her this episode. I mean, those two together? Talk about an ew!  But Phyllis coming on to Bette was amusing enough. Seriously, if you lower your expectations enough and stop being a stickler about decent or even lucid writing, it's still possible to enjoy this show.

What wasn't amusing at all was Alice getting all public service announcementey  on The Look. Why won't the writers of this show get that the gay soap box non sequiturs are just plain lame? If I wanted to hear cliched, humorless, gay political ranting I'd check in with one of my gay activist friends.  Actually, I'll almost forgive Chaiken for giving us that scene where Alice talks the  suicidal teenager off the ledge because it was really in the function of introducing the cute director of the gay center. Which takes us back to the way we live and love.

 Alice and Tasha seem to be headed toward that other thing unboundaried lesbians tend to do: Bringing a third party into their relationship to ultimately f*ck everything up. Seems the gay center girl is gonna be all up in Tasha and Alice's sh*t. It'll start like it always does. Just a fun little triangle of platonic friendship. But as we all know, this could easily end in a threesome (maybe if we're really lucky, there will finally be a hot sex scene in season 6). Or worse,  a lesbian game of musical chairs. The second the Indigo Girls tune ends, well, who knows who'll get kicked to the curb. And in which direction the U-Haul will ride.

I have no idea where Tasha and Alice are headed with this. But I know there will be drama. I know because mama said:

"The third wheel friendship is never acknowledged as dating, but it is kind of a three-way romance,'' Chaiken told me in a recent interview. "And invariably it leads to drama. Two of the three people involved usually end up in an affair.''

Chaiken would not say more.  But  wait for it. Some sort of bs is gonna go down. Hey, it's better than worrying about who had the motive this week to kill Jenny. Honestly, Tina is not going to kill Jenny. That would be like, another show.

Which takes us to Bette and Tina. Um, why do I feel a bit uneasy about these two?  First of all, after all that hot makeup sex last season, why are we just about nearing the halfway mark for the final season without any real TiBette action? And what could this mean?

But the more disturbing question is, why did I not hate on Bette's pirate blouse this week? I mean,  I have been turned off by  every single one of her pirate blouses. But this episode, she was, I don't know...sort of PILF.