The Work/Life Balancing Act

Florida Earns a Grade of “D” in New Mother’s Day Report

There are some mothers who must return to work almost immediately after giving birth, women who just can't afford to take any unpaid time off -- and my home state of Florida is failing them. But it's not just Florida -- the sad truth is that millions of working mothers in this country find themselves without the support they need to care for their families and hold onto their jobs

Just in time for Mother's Day, The National Partnership for Women & Families has released the most comprehensive analysis to date of state laws and regulations governing paid leave and workplace rights for new parents in the United States.

Florida earned a big fat "D,” which is made worse by the fact that almost half our workforce is women. At least we're not one of the 18 states that earned an "F" for failing to provide a single benefit or program to help support families before and after the birth, adoption or foster placement of a child.

If you're a new parent, you should want to live in California. That's a state that treats its working parents with some respect.

In 2002, California became the first state to enact a paid family leave insurance program to help new parents and other family caregivers make ends meet when a new baby arrives or a family member becomes ill. The law took effect in July 2004. New parents in California can receive 55 percent of their income, up to a weekly capped amount, for up to six weeks. Private sector workers who qualify for the state’s disability insurance system are entitled to up to six weeks of paid family leave that can be used by either parent.

As a working mother, I want my home state to do better for its working parents.  When 72 percent of Florida children live in families in which all parents work we need access to paid leave to paid sick days and workplace rights for nursing mothers.

Recently, I spoke to a teacher who went back to work after 5 1/2 weeks. She just couldn't afford to take any unpaid time off. She felt like she barely bonded with her new son. How sad is it that when these women gave birth, there's only a small chance they have any paid maternity leave!  “The birth of a child should be a joyous event for new mothers and fathers, not the cause of financial hardship or devastation,” said National Partnership President Debra L. Ness.

There's some good news: Since the first edition of National Partnership's Expecting Better report, seven years ago, new parents have gained rights that address the work and family challenges.

 For example:

•   In 2011, Connecticut became the first state to pass a paid sick days law, joining the District of Columbia, in providing many workers the right to earn paid sick time that can be used to care for an ill child or family member or to seek medical care. Two cities — San Francisco and Seattle — also provide this right.
•  In 2008, New Jersey joined California in establishing a paid family leave insurance program that provides new parents (and other family caregivers) with partial wage replacement during up to six weeks of family leave.
•  In 2007, the state of Washington took a significant step toward establishing a paid parental leave program.
• In 2007, Maine expanded workers’ ability to take unpaid, job-protected family leave by recognizing that domestic or civil union partners often need to care for each other and each other’s children.
•  And, from 2006 through 2009, nine states granted new rights to nursing mothers in the workplace. 

“Some states are doing better for new parents than others,” explained Ness, “but most have a
long way to go..." Ness says Expecting Better paints a picture of a nation that is failing families — and it should be a wake-up call for lawmakers at every level

So, working parents, would paid leave have made a difference for your family? Would you be willing to tell your lawmakers how you feel about paid leave?

 

Making Healthy Lifestyle Choices When Struggling with Work-Life Balance

Last night, I hit a work life balance low.

I realized this low point when my family was eating store-brand lasagna and it was still partially frozen. I yelled at them to eat it anyway. The desire is there on my part to serve healthy meals and encourage exercise. I buy produce from an organic buying club. I try to buy organic meats and poultry. I make lots of veggies with dinner. But then, a night like last night comes along when I'm shuttling kids in different directions and I enter desperation mode. When that happens, I'm always mad at myself for not being better organized. We can all be more health and environmental conscious if we plan for it.

That's why I'm particularly excited to introduce my guest blogger today. Carrie Wells, huppiemama@gmail.com,  is a wife, mother of two, and educational consultant. She founded her website Huppie Mama  in 2010 to share information regarding natural living and child development. Below is her take on a welcome topic:

 

Making Natural, Healthy Lifestyle Choices When Struggling with Work-Life Balance

 Prior to having children, I was the type of woman who worked full-time, went to school full-time, and had a part-time job. Somehow I still managed to get a healthy dinner on the table for my husband and me each night.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I made the decision to leave my full-time position and be a work-at-home mom, eventually balancing two part-time jobs while parenting two children, a toddler and an infant. As an educator and daughter of a stay-at-home mom, it was so important for me to be there for my children. I wanted to help them reach each early milestone and be there to celebrate all of those special moments.

I also desired to teach them to be environmentally-conscious, healthy individuals. Because I do work from home, our funds are limited, which contributes to my desire to choose reusable and sustainable products. Some of the decisions we made for our family required little-to-no additional effort or planning, like recycling, shopping with reusable bags, and buying eco-friendly household cleaners. Some of them involved a true commitment to natural living, like breastfeeding both of our children, using cloth diapers, and cooking wholesome, balanced meals daily.

Now, I don’t expect everyone to ditch their comfy homes in suburbia and opt for a more rural setting where they can grow their own local produce and milk their own cows. That’s certainly not a choice I have made for my family, but I do admire those who have. I present to you some simple things to keep in mind so that you can live a more natural lifestyle, with an emphasis on health and environmental-consciousness:

• Shop locally for food as often as possible. The recent surge of farmer’s markets and smaller grocery stores in South Florida makes it so much easier to shop for locally-harvested produce and meats, locally-caught fish, and specialty products like honey and oils. Plan your meals for the week on Sunday so that you don’t have to struggle daily to pull something together. Incorporate seasonal ingredients to maximize flavors and freshness.

 

• When buying toys for your children, try to get the most ‘bang for your buck.’ Consider purchasing toys made of sustainable materials, like wood, metal, and cotton. Also, think about how long a child will be able to use the toy from a developmental standpoint, thus reducing the waste when the toy is no longer useful to your family. Remember, too, that toys made of durable materials make great donations to local charities.

 

• Check your community’s recycling program. My community collects cardboard, paper, metals, plastics, and glass. Large grocery stores often have recycling bins at the front of the store to collect plastic bags and foam packages. You have to throw your trash away somewhere, so making the choice to recycle is such an easy one.

 

• Opt for reusable versions of products. This could include cloth diapers instead of disposables, cloth kitchen towels instead of paper towels, reusable shopping bags instead of plastic or paper bags, and reusable water bottles instead of disposable water bottles. While some of these may require additional up-front costs and effort to clean them, you also don’t have to worry about running out and having to purchase them last minute.

 

• Set aside meaningful time to get outdoors with your family. We are so fortunate in South Florida to have beautiful parks, amazing beaches, and warm weather year-round. Take advantage of this by planning outdoor play dates with friends, picnics with your children, and maybe even some time for gardening in your own backyard. Your family will treasure these special times together!

 

Between raising a family, working to earn an income, and running a household, life can be challenging! However, each day, we are asked to make choices. When there is a healthier, more natural option that requires little to no additional effort, that choice should be an easy one. Remember, if we model positive natural practices for our children, they will learn to do the same when they are independent.

 

 

Men, Women, Money, Power

On Monday, I called Liza Mundy for a chat. I felt like I could have talked on the phone with her for days. She has just finished two years of interviewing men and women about work, family, money, power, marriage and decision making. Her findings are in a newly published book called The Richer Sex.  I LOVE THIS TOPIC!!!

I included some of my interview with Mundy, along with interviews with female business leaders, into my Miami Herald column today on The Richer Sex. Assuming present trends continue, Mundy believes that by the next generation more families will be supported by women than by men.

 

I asked Liza if she thought women were uncomfortable being called "breadwinners," traditionally used to describe men.

Women who outearn their husbands might feel uncomfortable with the term, she says. But those that earn all the income in their families would be comfortable being called a breadwinner.

I asked her what has changed in the last decade and why she feels the next generation of women will outearn men.

They are outearning men because they are going to college and are better educated, she says. "Guys think they will graduate from high school and get a decent paying industrial or labor job and they are wrong. Single childless women in their 20s have a higher median income than their male peers."

Are women entrepreneurs contributing to The Richer Sex trend?

Women  businesses are doing well. A lot who start their business, do it because they are not getting enough flexibility from their institutional workplace. Sometimes, their businesses do so well that they hire their husbands.

What are the conversations going on in America's households about downshifting and raising kids?

For working parents to reach the highest levels of Corporate America, either the workplace needs to change or someone needs to have flexibility or be the stay at home spouse. Workplaces can only do so much. I know fathers who want to spend more time with kids.

 I asked one of the women I spoke with whether she feels she missed out by being the sole provider. She doesn’t feel that way. Because her husband is such good runner of the household, when she gets home from work she can devote time to family. She is the one with the rich vacation benefits and the long workdays but her husband is supportive and she feels she is an attentive mother.

You mentioned more households are being supported by women. How will this affect women's salaries?

I would hope that ultimately it would put pressure on employers to understand that women are breadwinners and not look at their income as supplementary. As men become more aware of their wives' earning potential and are more willing to move for them, I hope it will help women's negotiating ability. Still, there is a danger of women supporting households on less than a man would make.

Do you think there's a dollar threshold that a spouse reaches which causes the other to quit their job?

Not really. It can depend on whether you live in D.C. or New York or Detroit. Every city is so different.

Is the notion of a stay at home parent outdated? It seems everyone has some type of side job today, even if it's blogging or selling things on the Internet.

It can work out well if a husband stays home or the wive could turn around and say this is not guy thought I was marrying. Stay-at-home dads numbers are rising, but some still feel stigmatized. I found wives would inflate the prestige of their husbands' hobbies. If they were blogging, the wive would refer to it as a  potential book project. I think women were brought up to brag about their husband’s job or salary. The former definition of success was to marry well. 

Is there a lot of arguing over who stays home with the kids?

I found there's more arguing over who had to be one with the steady paycheck and who got to be the entrepreneur. Men are seeing the benefits of a wive with a steady paycheck.

How is the fact that women are becoming more educated affecting marriages?

Women have never had this level of education greater than men. They are looking out at a pool of young men and they will have to ask, "Will I marry guy who didn’t’ go to college?" Some will say yes. I interviewed a carpenter who is putting his wife through law school. I also interviewed a women who wants to marry man who did go to college and is going to great efforts to meet one. She lives in  Miami travels to New York where she thinks there's a bigger pool of mates. Someone who wants to marry guy on her level will use resources to find them. Some will marry down and accept early on that they are the primary earner and find a guy who will invest in their career.

Why aren't men getting college educations?

Women were told they needed more education to earn as much as men so they acted accordingly. Girls are hearing have to go to college and support yourself. You may be a single mom. Boys aren’t hearing the same message. Boys think they have to be the provider, so they leave after high school to get any job.

 Click here to read the Time Magazine articleby Mundy on how women are overtaking men as breadwinners and why that's good for everyone.

Liza Mundy

 

 

 Here's another interesting take on Mundy's book: Daily Mail: Next generation of women to outearn men 

According to the TIME magazine cover story, 40% of working women out-earn their mate and within 25 years women will make more than men across the board.

Readers, how do you think this will affect marriage, family, workplaces and buying decisions?

How Daylight Savings Can Improve Work Life Balance

(This is not me, but a girl can dream!)

 

I have always been proud of the fact that I'm not a total workaholic, but  as a writer and entrepreneur who loves what I do for a living, it can be hard to it shut work off. A good story idea will pop in my mind at all hours. Increasingly, the lines between work and life are blurred.

Daylight savings time can complicate work life balance. It's light out later so it takes that extra push to turn off my laptop and give myself permission to call it a night. But the time change actually can help your work life balance if you use it to your advantage. 

Inspired by the women at braidcreative.com and this great photo of theirs below, I've piggybacked on their lists ....I know I'm balanced when and I know I'off balance when...

 

Signs that I"m doing a good job of juggling:

1.When I can fit in exercise.  I love to jog and now that it's light out later, this should make jogging at night easier -- if I don't overextend myself and power down at a reasonable hour.

2. When I sit at dinner with my kids and I'm not thinking about work. There’s nothing like being in the present and really listening to your kids talk about their day.

3. When I have time to indulge in favorite TV show marathon - I consider it pure indulgence to watch three episodes in a row of a show I want to catch up on.

4. When I get a full 8 hours of sleep - The flip side of staying light later is that it's been darker in the mornings. A good night sleep means waking up feeling refreshed.

5. When I'm successful delegating - I usually pack  my kids lunches  but doing it at midnight is downright crazy. I've consider myself successful when I get my kids to help without threatening their lives.

These are the signs when the scales are tipped or I'm on the brink of a work/life meltdown

1. When every conversation at home makes me think of something I need to get done at work.

2. When the signs are obvious.My nails are bitten, my legs unshaved, my head pounding and I still hear myself saying yes to an editor.

3. When my kids text or call me from their bedrooms. This is a sad ploy to lure me out of my home office.

4. When I forget to eat. Sometimes, I just have too much on my work plate to think about making a lunch plate. It will be 3 p.m. and my stomach is growling, I have a headache and my stress level is through the roof. Not good.

5.  When my to do list runs onto a second page. I find that when I’m out of writing too much down, I've probably over-committed.

When do  you feel overextended or on the verge of a work life meltdown? Have you figured out your warning signs?

 

 

What really changes when your teen turns 16?

I'm driving with my daughter on the highway and I'm in the passenger seat. The car behind us is honking because I'm telling her to stay within the speed limit and ignore the fact that others are zipping past us. I'm acting calm for her sake, but I'm terrified.

On those days that I have struggled with work life balance, I've looked forward to the day my daughter was old enough to get her license. I dreamed about how she could zip out to the store for me when we run out of milk or make that pick up from soccer practice when I was on deadline.

For the last year, I've been teaching my her to drive. The experience brought out emotions I never knew were possible -- mostly sheer panic. I've hit the imaginery passenger brake more times than I care to admit. I've clutched the ceiling when I wasn't sure she saw the car backing out of its parking space and right into us. It's been a trial in parental patience, one my husband was unable to survive.

Within a week, my daughter will be eligible to get her license. The day that seemed  impossibly distant when I arrived home with a newborn in a pink cap is now here -- and with its arrival comes my realization that while my work life balance will get easier, my emotional well being will never be the same.

I see in my daughters eyes that she can't wait for that first step toward independence. But I also see a naive teen who couldn't fathom that someone might pretend to be a police officer or bump the rear of the car to lure a young girl out of her car. I see a young girl that might not know how to react when a distracted driver swerves across the lane trying to send an email from his BlackBerry. I've forbidden my daughter from using her cell phone in the car, but will she always stick to that rule? I will worry every time she pulls out of the driveway and I will wait up until she's safely in bed at night.

Last week, I read an article in the Sun Sentinel that said teens in Florida are spurning that freewheeling rite of passage and postponing getting their licenses. That follows a national trend toward a drop in teen drivers attributed to the high cost of gas and insurance and the increase in smart phones. Today's teens can stay in touch without having to drive to see each other.

Parents, I know many of you have encouraged your teen to drive. Having them drive to school or work or both could make a critical difference in your work hours or ability to hold your job. And, at some point, teens need to learn how to drive, especially in places like South Florida, where public transportation is limited. But have you ever thought about whether 16 is too young? I'm starting to think 18 would be a better age.

Do you think raising the drive age would make a difference in how your teen handles the maturity needed to drive, or would raising the age just be too difficult on working parents and teens who work?

Has Google usurped our parenting? Ask Google Dad

Yesterday, my 10-year-old  son wanted to know what triumph meant. I immediately pulled out my pocket dictionary and tossed it to him. He looked at me like I was from another planet and said: "Really mom?" He then marched over to the computer and put the word into Google.

I felt so old school!!!

Face it parents, our kids will do everything in their lives differently than we did. They will work differently, learn differently, play differently and it will be sooooo hard for us to come to grips with this new reality as we try to fit becoming more tech-savvy into our work life balance.

Today, my guest blogger is an old friend, Miami super attorney Spencer Silverglate. He shares his wise take and personal experience raising kids in the digital age.

 

            Blood red.  Marbled to perfection.  Two 12-ounce slabs of New York’s finest, grass-fed, prime-grade, cut-it-with-a-fork, melt-in-your-mouth, beef fillets. Steak.  It’s what’s for dinner—at least it was last Wednesday. Except it wasn’t just another meal. 

        As I explained that morning to my 16-year-old son Cameron, it would be the night I pass on the manly pursuit of grilling dead animal flesh.  Just like my father passed it on to me and his, undoubtedly, to him.  Yes, that night I would hand over the apron and tongs to my son and reveal the family recipe for grilling steak.  He may have started the day a boy, but by nightfall, he would be a man. Barbecue Man!

         Imagine my shock when I rolled into the driveway at 6:45 that evening, accosted by the unmistakable aroma of sizzling meat.  Impossible, I thought to myself. I hadn’t even begun the lesson.  I stared in disbelief as I entered the house and saw my son on the back patio, hovering over the open flames that caressed the tender underbelly of the New York Strips.

           “What do you think you’re doing?!” I barked.  “You were supposed to wait for me.  And be careful, you’ll burn the steaks.  You need to cut ‘em open and check to see if they’re done.”

            “No, Dad,” he objected.  “If you do that, the juice will leak out.”

            “What are you talking about?” I snapped.  “I’ve always done it that way.”

            “Chef Ramsey says cutting the steak will dry it out like beef jerky,” he responded.  “You’re supposed to press the meat and feel for the same firmness as the fleshy part of your nose.”

            “The fleshy part of . . . who the heck is Chef Ramsey?!” I snarled.

            “Really, Dad?  Gordon Ramsey—quite possibly themost famous chef on TV.  I just watched him on YouTube.  According to Gordon, this is an 8 ½ minute steak.”

            I stood there slack-jawed for a moment and then walked away with the remnants of my male ego.  Probably just as well.  My son was putting the final grate marks on the best cooked steaks the old grill ever produced.

            The Steak Incident, and others like it, has caused me to question whether our role of parents has been usurped by computers.  There’s very little we can teach our kids that they can’t find on the Internet.  Only the computer generated lesson is “better.”  If you’re a kid, why ask a parent for help with homework when you can have a Stanford professor explain it online?  Why ask dad how to swing a baseball bat when Albert Pujols can teach you on YouTube?   Why ask mom for decorating advice when you can watch Martha Stewart on your smart phone? 

            What’s the capital of Iceland?  Wikipedia it.  How do you spell “chrysanthemum?”  Spell check it (I just did). How do you build a tree-house?  Google it.  How do you get to the mall?  GPS it. Who sings this song?  There’s an app for that. Where do babies come from?  You get the point.

             We were at dinner the other night and a disagreement broke out over the ways in which one may become a U.S. citizen.  My son, who recently studied the issue, explained the process to my wife and me.  Poor lad, he left out the one about marrying a U.S. citizen. I figured I’d impress him with my mental superiority, so I laid it on him.  He respectfully disagreed, explaining that marrying a citizen would yield a green card, not necessarily citizenship.  As my blood pressure began to rise, I figured I’d play the dad card.  You know the one: “I’m right because I’m dad.”  Before I could utter the words, my son already pulled up the facts on his iPhone. 

             The computer was right, of course.  The darn thing is always right.

             When I was a kid, what my father said was final.  These days what Google says is final.

            But have we moved forward or backward? We seem to be floating around in our own, ear-bud wearing bubbles streaming only preferred content.  Why listen to top 40 hits when I can live in the land of perpetual Bruce Springsteen?  For that matter, why bother interacting at all?  I may be sitting next to you at lunch, but I’m texting someone 300 miles away.  Today our personal relationships are not centered around work or school or church, but Facebook.  So what if we never leave the couch—we can still have thousands of “friends.”

           I take comfort in knowing that not everythingcan be replaced by machines.  Some things still need to be experienced, especially by our children.  They may be able to go online and learn about riding a bike, but they need a parents’ firm grip on the seat to steady the ride.  And maybe that’s the best metaphor for what parents provide their kids—a firm grip on the ride of life.   

            I realize of course that we won’t be getting rid of machines anytime soon, nor would I want to. Although technology has the potential to supplant relationships, it can also enhance them.  Anyone who has connected online to a forgotten high school friend can attest to that.

             Like anything in life, there must be a balance.  A harmony between man and machine that enriches rather than detracts from the human experience. Which brings me back to my son...

            Just the other day I was getting ready for a formal party and decided on a whim to sport a white pocket square to offset my black tuxedo.  Not being a hanky-in-the-top-pocket kind of guy, I had no idea how to fold the silken Rubik’s Cube.  Cameron happened to notice my struggle and casually suggested I go online.   Even though it wasn’t my first instinct, I had to admit it was a good idea.  A few minutes later I had a perfectly folded pocket square.

            So there you have it.  My family, just like my ebony suit and ivory handkerchief, now lives together in perfect harmony—with a little help from Google.

 

( Google dad, Spencer, and son, Cameron)

Are Parents too involved in the college search?

As a parent of two high schoolers, I'm terrified of the college application process that lies ahead of me. Just helping my kids choose courses and build their resumes has been overwhelming. In my day, very few schools offered AP classes and most of us who applied to a public university in our state were accepted.

Not anymore.

In my Miami Herald column this week, I wrote about this stressful new phase of parenthood and how some companies are responding. If you run a small business, you may want to note that the Princeton Review will come onsite and put on a program on college preparation for free for a group of employees. It also is holding a workshop for parents and students in Miami on Nov 16 at B&N on Kendall Drive at 7 pm.  

If you're the parent of a high schooler, please share your thoughts on the column.

 

Posted on Wed, Nov. 02, 2011 Parents, teens navigate college crunchtime By Cindy Krischer Goodman balancegal@gmail.com MARICE COHN BAND / MIAMI HERALD STAFF Rachel, 17, a senior at Miami Beach Senior High School has been busy applying for colleges.     You have heard of parents overwhelmed by the toddler years, juggling work and kids whose runny noses get them sent home from day care. But now, there’s another phase of parenthood just as stressful on parents who are already balancing multiple demands — helping a teen get into college. As high school graduating classes get larger and college admission becomes hyper-competitive, parents are bending their work schedules and spending hours guiding their kids through the overwhelming process. “There’s no easy way out,” says Leslie Coller, mother of Rachel, a senior at Miami Beach High School. “It’s an all-consuming process, whatever level you are going for.” Coller, who works as a clothing line representative, says she had to get tough with her daughter, insisting she write the required essays and fill out applications during the summer months, when both of them had more time to devote to it. Her daughter applied to 12 colleges — a process that took dozens of hours. With that out of the way, they now begin the scholarship application process. “It’s very intensive,” Coller said. “There are laid back parents who have kids that are driven to do well. But even with a kid who is motivated, the process is overwhelming. If you can help make it easier, you are giving your kid a gift,” she says. As a parent of two high school students — a freshman and a sophomore — I’m already feeling the stress of landing my kids a spot in the colleges of their choice, scrutinizing their course selections, their summer programs and their extracurricular activities. We’ve already taken them on some college visits, but the choices, price tags and requirements make my head spin. There are more than 4,400 degree-granting institutions in the United States and the number of students applying to them directly out of high school has jumped 70 percent in the last decade, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. The reality has become that today the start of college preparation begins as high school freshmen, choosing classes and building a resume that will impress admissions officers. Lisa Solovay, an advisor for continuing education at Western High School in Davie who provides college guidance, believes competition for college admission increased when high schools began offering more advanced placement classes, dual enrollment and international baccalaureate programs. “Students need to take advantage of what’s offered because the competition is fierce,” she said. “You see students who are published authors or have performed at Carnegie Hall. They are doing so much more, and with the Internet there are all kinds of opportunities.” For students, getting adult help with the written application has become more critical, she says, because for some colleges it’s the only place they have to differentiate themselves. While school counselors like Solovay guide them, Solovay feels students whose parents get involved have an even better chance. “That may be an unfair advantage, but that’s the way it is,” she said. Today’s pricey tuition bills give parents a bigger stake than ever in the process. There’s certainly a larger role for them in keeping track of financial aid deadlines for submitting applications and preparing tax returns early, typically in January. One mother of a high schooler, a human resources manager, actually quit her job as her daughter neared college to devote full-time to the search. Others rush home from work to supervise. With application deadlines looming at Florida’s public universities, Laurie Levine, vice president for business and finance at Lynn University in Boca Raton, would walk right in the door and review her son’s essays and applications before he hit “submit.” But she says the guidance started years before. “We would talk at the dinner table and lay out a game plan.” Rather than take on this time-consuming role, some parents choose to hire private college counselors to ease the stress. They typically charge from $5,000 and up for services that include interview tips, school recommendations and application reviews. Fittingly, with the stress on parents, a growing number of employers are making college advising services an employee benefit. College Coach, a national company under the umbrella of Bright Horizons, advised more than 40,000 families last year on the application process. “Parents have made the argument that this is an issue that causes stress and when that happens they are not as productive because they are not able to bring their whole self to work,” says Dave Lissy, CEO of Bright Horizons. Two years ago, Ceridian, a provider of health and productivity solutions, also began offering college admissions counseling services to employees of its large employer clients. Among the companies that have added the benefit through College Coach are American Express, Citigroup, IBM and PepsiCo. When Doria M. Camaraza’s son was applying to colleges last year, she got the kind of help that most parents would shell out big dollars to receive — guidance from a former assistant admissions officer at Georgetown University. American Express, where Camaraza works as senior vice president and general manager for Fort Lauderdale, began offering the benefit in July 2008 and offers workshops, online help and private counseling. While working late, Camaraza often would participate in conference calls from her office in the evening with her son and the advisor who provided feedback on his essays. “We went through about 10 revisions,” she said. “My son was accepted at amazing schools due in large part to her help.” Read more....

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How responsible are we for our kids' actions?

Being a parent is not for sissies. As a working parent, you will question whether you made the right decision each time you discipline from your cubicle, referee sibling fights from a hotel room or attend a business meeting rather than a class party. You inevitably will hear your kid say at least once: "All you care about is your job."

You will learn that regardless of the choices you make, things will happen with your children. They will happen when you are present and when you are not around, and when they are beyond your control, they can be devastating.

An article in the Miami Herald sent my heart racing in a way that only parents of teens can understand. It's a horrible story of a teen and the deep trouble she has gotten into.

The article was about a 19-year-old University of Miami student who was coming home late from a night out at  the LIV nightclub in Miami Beach. She allegedly had been drinking. Around 4:30 a.m., her 2011 Audi hit another car at an intersection, an accident that claimed the life of a grandmother. On Monday, the student was slapped with a DUI manslaughter charge for the fatal wreck. The charge carries a 15-year maximum prison sentence. She also was charged with a third-degree felony count of possessing a false drivers license. Prosecutors earlier said that Villanueva had several fake IDs which she used to get into the nightclub.

Villanueva, a UM sophomore, played varsity lacrosse and soccer at Palmer Trinity High, has pleaded not guilty and is under house arrest pending trial. There is a real possibility this girl will do jail time.

There's more: the family of the grandmother, Eyder Ayala, 68, is suing Villanueva and her father, who owns the Audi she was driving, for negligence.

This is an upsetting story from every viewpoint. Commenters on the Herald site have called Villanueva a spoiled rich kid and quite a few have said she and her parents deserve the trouble they have gotten into.

I'm aligned with this commenter: This is very sad, and here but for the grace of God goes any teenager's parent.

I know some of you might say, my kid would never be in this kind of trouble. You might say, I take the time to teach my kids responsibility and consequence.

Let's ask this question to any parent: If your child was off at college, can you be sure he or she wouldn't drink and drive?  I know, you've given the lecture a million times. I certainly have. But can you be 100 percent sure your kid would NEVER do it. And, if he or she did, should you be responsible if you have title to the car he or she drives?

I would answer no parent can be certain.  I feel once a child turns 18 and heads off to college, that child becomes responsible for his actions and unfortunately, teens learn from consequences of their actions.

Blogger Deborah Crawford writes: Responsibility is not a lesson that can be learned from lectures. You cannot tell someone to behave responsibly and expect that your parenting job is done. Responsibility is a growing and learning experience. And, most of us need a bit of help when it comes to learning to be “responsible”.

There are teens who max out credit cards, skip school, curse at their parents and never suffer consequences of their actions. There are teens that do the right thing all the time. So, when a child turns 18 or goes off to college and messes up, are both these sets of parents responsible?

Readers, at what age do you feel teens are responsible for their own actions and as busy as we all are these days, what can you do as parents to make them more aware of consequences?

 

 

Family dinners matter

One night, I invited my son's friend over for dinner. When he took his seat at our family dinner table, he told us this was new to him. At his house, he said, he usually eats sitting on the couch by himself watching television. My kids didn't know how to react. I think they had never realized that NOT having family dinner was an option.

Even when chaos ensues, I make an effort to juggle dinner hour because it's what I was used to growing up.

As life gets crazier, parents work long hours and kids have more activities, family dinner has become an outdated ritual in many homes. But new research shows letting it go is a BIG mistake.

Last night, ABC News featured a segment on the topic.  Here's the link. 

Here are the big benefits of family dinners:

• Compared to teens who ate with their families five to seven times a week, teenagers who had fewer than three family dinners a week were almost four times more likely to try tobacco, more than twice as likely to use alcohol and 2.5 times more likely to smoke pot. 

• Teens who eat with their families make healthier food choices when eating out with their peers.

• Female teens who ate family dinners at least most days were less likely to initiate purging, binge-eating and frequent dieting.

Of course, some teens, especially those with driver's licenses, who think it's "not cool" to eat dinner with their families. Seventeen-year-old Ben Smith had this comment on ABC.com: "You know if I'm sitting at the dinner table my parents are going to ask me, 'How'd you do at school today,'" he says. "You don't really want to tell them, 'Oh, I failed three tests.' "

Let's say you like the idea of family dinner, but don't think it's doable. 

William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota advises starting on a Sunday night. "One (night) is better than zero. It's quality, not quantity."

More advice: Turn the television off, put all cellphones away and have kids talk about the best and worst thing that happened in their day.

This might be tough for parents, but he advises: Don't use the sit-down meal as an opportunity to nag or scold. "Make it a connecting meal. It's the quality of the connecting. Just try to have a good conversation," Doherty advices. "Don't grill them about their grades."

What are your thoughts on the family dinner hour? Do you think it's unrealistic these days? Do you think it REALLY makes a difference in whether a teen will drink or do drugs?

 

My very big mom mistake - and what it taught me

Last night, I had one of those multi-tasking implosions that has left me beseiged with guilt. I was reporting a story, helping my son with homework and getting dinner together before I had to leave to go to my 5th grader's open house at school. I had been looking forward to the open house, particularly because my son has two teachers this year and they seem to have very different styles. 

Then, I got a call my car was done at the repair shop and I needed to come get it before the shop closed. With my husband out of town, I raced over with the loaner, picked my car up, dropped my son at his team practice and managed to get to the school with 10 minutes to spare. I was so proud of myself!

What I didn't realize was that I had calendered the event for a half hour later than the accurate start time. When I entered my kid's class, the open house had just ended. The teachers were rushing off to their kids' classrooms for at the same school to participate in open house.

I felt tears stinging my eyes. I've never missed an open house before and I had moved mountains to get to the school.  When I arrived home, my son repeatedly asked me about the open house but I couldn't bring myself to tell him I missed the whole presentation. I mumbled something incomprehensible. The incident upset me so much I had a horrible night sleep.

This morning, I was interviewing a high powered female lawyer about how she manages the juggling act. She reminded me about an event we were at together where Suzy Welch spoke about her book, 10-10-10. Suzy evaluates every major decision for how it will affect her life in ten minutes, ten months and ten years. She has found the answers are illuminating. This lawyer told me she now uses the same approach.

So I asked myself, will missing this event make a difference in 10 minutes? Maybe. My son might be a little upset. WIll it make a difference in 10 months? Not really. I can ask the teachers for a conference and ask other parents to fill me in on what I missed. Will it make a difference in 10 years? Definitely not. 

Mommy guilt can be crushing if we let it. Sometimes, in the work life balancing act takes perspective. Today, I think I found mine. Thanks Suzy!