The Work/Life Balancing Act

Married to the job, and lovin it

I was listening to a radio interview with Bravo's Andy Cohen when the host asked him if he was seeing anyone right now. Cohen laughed and said he just didn't have time to date. "I'm happily married to my job," he replied. 

That made me think about work life balance and singles. Some singles are so dedicated to their jobs that they are unable to invest the time a relationship often needs to stay strong. I really don't see anything wrong with that as long as the person feels fulfilled. 

But I wanted to explore the topic and find out how fulfilled those who are married to their jobs are and whether romantic relationships are totally out of the question. I tackled the topic in my Miami Herald Work Life Balancing Act column.

Do you feel that being completely devoted to your job is enough to feel fulfilled?

 

Posted on Wed, Jun. 06, 2012 It’s OK to be happily married to your job, these workers say By Cindy Krischer Goodman balancegal@gmail.com Sheryl Cattell, director of online marketing for Cross Country Home Services in Sunrise, says she is happily married to her job. Sheryl Cattell, an online marketing director, says her passion for her work is so intense she is often still at her desk at midnight. “I just go into a zone and literally have no idea of space and time.” With such single-minded focus, Cattell says personal relationships have been challenging. “Most partners are jealous when you love your job that much.” As the country moves into summer wedding season, an increasing number of singles say they are happily married to their jobs. On television, American Idol host Ryan Seacrest and Bravo’s Andy Cohen are high-profile examples, two single entertainment/media mavens who devote most of their waking hours to their careers. As of 2011, there are 101 million people in the United States over the age of 18 who are single, up from 83 million a decade ago, according to the U.S. Census Bureau’s America’s Families and Living Arrangements survey. Of the singletons, 62 percent of them have never been married and about 2 million of them earn more than $75,000 a year. Research often cites the ideal worker as someone who is perpetually available, has no outside responsibilities or interests, rarely gets sick, and prioritizes work above all else. Barbara Teszler, 26 and single, says that describes her 100 percent and she’s OK with it. “I’m totally a workaholic. I’d much rather be doing something I’m insanely passionate about for 80 hours a week than getting off at 5 like Fred Flintstone and doing something I didn’t enjoy.” Teszler started a Los Angeles public relations firm six months ago. She wants a social life and relationships, but work gets top priority. “The last couple of guys I’ve seen have accused me of being cold. They thought I didn’t show as much interest in them as I did my job. I’m not going to apologize for that. My business is my baby, and that has to come first.” Entrepreneurs are among the most likely to report being married to their jobs. “They feel the 24/7 pull to get it right,” says Todd Dewett, a professor of management at Wright State University, who wrote The Little Black Book of Leadership. “For many of them, being successful at work is fulfilling but it’s never stress free.” To maintain a romantic relationship, Dewett says, overachieving professionals must have an understanding spouse or partner. “One of the top reasons relationships have trouble is one person puts their job first. For it to work, you’ve got to have a partner who is absolutely supportive.” Miami relationship expert Bari Lyman says making a relationship work when you’re married to your job often requires a new mindset. “If finding true love is a priority, you have to make the time and space to meet someone.” Then, to sustain a relationship you need communication, maybe even an agreement that emphasizes quality time together rather than quantity, says Lyman, founder of MeettoMarry.com. “What’s important is to find someone who shares your vision of work-life balance.” Read more....

 

Whether or not to work for free, that is the question

Should you or shouldn't you work for free? It's a question you almost certainly will face at some point in your career. Sometimes the answer is yes.

I just interviewed a plastic surgeon who told me when he's at a party or in the men's room, he regularly gets asked for free advice No big deal, he says. Sometimes, giving out free advice results in a client. But then he also gets asked by friends to do nips and tucks for free. He's had to make a rule -- no freebies, no exceptions. 

When is working for free a good idea? 

You may have to face the decision to work for free early in your career when deciding if you want to take an unpaid internship. Or, the dilemma may come later in your career when you must decide whether to take on a project that means more work hours and no additional pay. Of course, it most commonly comes when you own a business and are asked to provide your services for free.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. WIll it pay off in the long run?

I just asked someone to make a DVD montage for me for free. It was actually for my child's school. She did an amazing job and said she enjoyed it. I know I can send lots of paying business her way. So, doing it for free was probably a good choice for her. It almost certainly was a path to payment.

2. Who is asking?

Blogger Penelope Trunk  says  you should consider whether the person asking is well connected and could send business your way. "If you do a good job, they are likely to pay you for the next one—or recommend that someone else pay you. Either way, you’ll get paid," Trunk says.

3. Will it build your resume?

You might not get paid for what you do, but taking an unpaid internship or more managerial responsibility without a raise can pay off later when you are able to use the experience on your resume. Penelope says, "When you start working for free, you need to have a very clear idea of how you are going to describe this work in your resume." 

4. Will you be learning new skills or exposing yourself to new experiences?

Unpaid work for personal growth is a tradeoff some people are willing to make. I recently offered to host a panel discussion on work life balance at a TV station. I didn't get paid but I did learn more about how television journalism works and met some amazing women.  I consider it a win-win.

5. Have you done the gut test?

At the end of the day, you must ask yourself whether you will hate yourself for saying yes to working for free. Most of the time, you know the answer in your gut.

 

Who knew? Most executives say they have work life balance

 

Would you believe that out of 4,000 male and female executives in 31 countries around the globe, almost three quarters of respondents (71%) said they have work life balance all or most of the time. Yes, a whopping 7 out of 10 executives feel balanced, says a survey by Accenture. That's MUCH higher than I expected.

The survey, entitled “The Path Forward, also found only about 41% of executives said their career had had a negative impact on their family and only 42% said they often sacrifice time with their family to succeed. So, if you believe the results, executives are feeling pretty fulfilled with their work and home lives.

The GlassHammer thinks there's something else going on. That there's been an acknowledgement that ‘having it all’ is not a reality. And, that there's a new understanding that balance means there are always going to be sacrifices when it comes to work and family, and that making those sacrifices is okay.

Here's another clue for why so many executives feel balanced: The study showed that many more people are using flexible arrangements at work than ever before. In fact, 59% of respondents – male and female – said they utilized some form of flex arrangement. That's a high number considering these are senior level people.

This confirms what I have always suspected. Give emplooyees control over their work schedules and they'll stick around: While the majority of respondents said they were dissatisfied with their current position (57% of women and 59% of men), most named flex arrangements as a reason they are staying with their employer.

What do you think about the high number of executives that say they have work life balance? If you were asked, would you say you have work life balance most of the time?

 

How Daylight Savings Can Improve Work Life Balance

(This is not me, but a girl can dream!)

 

I have always been proud of the fact that I'm not a total workaholic, but  as a writer and entrepreneur who loves what I do for a living, it can be hard to it shut work off. A good story idea will pop in my mind at all hours. Increasingly, the lines between work and life are blurred.

Daylight savings time can complicate work life balance. It's light out later so it takes that extra push to turn off my laptop and give myself permission to call it a night. But the time change actually can help your work life balance if you use it to your advantage. 

Inspired by the women at braidcreative.com and this great photo of theirs below, I've piggybacked on their lists ....I know I'm balanced when and I know I'off balance when...

 

Signs that I"m doing a good job of juggling:

1.When I can fit in exercise.  I love to jog and now that it's light out later, this should make jogging at night easier -- if I don't overextend myself and power down at a reasonable hour.

2. When I sit at dinner with my kids and I'm not thinking about work. There’s nothing like being in the present and really listening to your kids talk about their day.

3. When I have time to indulge in favorite TV show marathon - I consider it pure indulgence to watch three episodes in a row of a show I want to catch up on.

4. When I get a full 8 hours of sleep - The flip side of staying light later is that it's been darker in the mornings. A good night sleep means waking up feeling refreshed.

5. When I'm successful delegating - I usually pack  my kids lunches  but doing it at midnight is downright crazy. I've consider myself successful when I get my kids to help without threatening their lives.

These are the signs when the scales are tipped or I'm on the brink of a work/life meltdown

1. When every conversation at home makes me think of something I need to get done at work.

2. When the signs are obvious.My nails are bitten, my legs unshaved, my head pounding and I still hear myself saying yes to an editor.

3. When my kids text or call me from their bedrooms. This is a sad ploy to lure me out of my home office.

4. When I forget to eat. Sometimes, I just have too much on my work plate to think about making a lunch plate. It will be 3 p.m. and my stomach is growling, I have a headache and my stress level is through the roof. Not good.

5.  When my to do list runs onto a second page. I find that when I’m out of writing too much down, I've probably over-committed.

When do  you feel overextended or on the verge of a work life meltdown? Have you figured out your warning signs?

 

 

How to make someone miserable at work

More than 20 years ago, I worked in an office with mostly female co-workers. Our male boss had a nasty, gruff manner and gave all of us lousy performance reviews. We could never do anything to meet his expectations. Every suggestion made at a staff meeting became an invitation for him to call us moronic. I grew to disdain this man.

Before long, most of my co-worker friends bolted. I had little work experience so it wasn't as easy for me to jump ship. But I was lonely and miserable so I didn't the unthinkable  --- I quit without another job lined up. Not my proudest moment! 

Today, I read a story in the Washington Post that reminded me of those dark days. It's titled: How to completely, utterly destroy an employee’s work life.

Teresa Amabile,director of research at Harvard Business School and Steven Kramer, a developmental psychologist and researcher, are coauthors of The Progress Principle. They have studied what makes people happy and engaged at work and what makes them miserable.

"What we discovered is that the key factor you can use to make employees miserable on the job is to simply keep them from making progress in meaningful work. Many leaders, from team managers to CEOs, are already surprisingly expert at smothering employee engagement."

They give five steps to making an employee miserable:

Step 1: Never allow pride of accomplishment.  (At every turn, stymie employees’ desire to make a difference)

Step 2: Miss no opportunity to block progress on employees’ projects. (Give conflicting goals, change them as frequently as possible, and allow people no autonomy in meeting them.)

Step 3: Give yourself some credit. (Truly believe that employees are doing just fine  and that “bad morale” is due to the employees’ unfortunate personalities or poor work ethics.

Step 4: Kill the messengers.  ( if you do get wind of problems in the trenches, deny, deny, deny. And if possible, strike back)

Readers, have you ever been in a workplace where the boss or manager has completely and utterly destroyed your work life? Did it force you do to something as drastic as I did? Do you have any advice for others beyond -- quit your job?

Can co-workers kill your work life balance?

A friend recently confided in me that no one in his office takes a lunch break and asked, "Should I?"

That's a tough question because most of us know what the answer should be. A big fat N-O!

If everyone is cranking through lunch hour, shoveling sandwiches in their mouths while clacking on their keyboards, you will be seen as the office slacker if you zip out even for a short lunch break. Now, I know some people who will do it anyway and keep their jobs.

But part of doing our job is adapting to the office culture, and sometimes that office culture defined by our co-workers is not really conducive to work life balance. Now, I'm not ruling out changing the office culture. Cranking through the lunch hour turns out to be bad for productivity in the long run.  A new study  shows employees who exercised more during work hours increased their work productivity by improving concentration and problem solving ability and required fewer sick days. So you COULD print the study, put it on your co-workers desk and suggest taking short group walks at lunch time.

And, then another tricky scenario where a co-worker can wreak havoc with your work life balance -- the perpetually late team member. Do you start the meeting or project without a team member whose always late ...especially when waiting means another late night?

I'd like to say yes...why should you miss out on family time because Joe Team Member has a faulty inner clock? But reality is if he or she outranks the rest of the team, you might have to suffer through the delay initially. Of course, at some point you might have that tough conversation with your team members and decide as a group to address the problem.

And then, we have the scenario where your co-workers resent you taking a day off for a family emergency -- a sick child or elderly parent. This is going to become a BIG problem for you. In one of my first jobs, pre-kids, a female reporter had a young child who was kicked out of day care almost weekly for his runny nose or barking cough. The woman had to drop everything and go pick up her kid. As soon as she walked out the office door, my co-workers (all young and single) blasted her. They even complained to the boss. She quit a few weeks later. As a working mom, with a little hindsight, I think she should have said something to her co-workers about how hard she was working to balance work and family and how they may be in the same scenario one day.

To me, supportive co-workers are critical to your success at work. Did you know that supportive co-workers actually can help you live longer? In a 2011 article published in “Health Psychology,” the American Psychological Association finds that workers show a health benefit by having a “peer support system” from their co-workers.

The bottom line, you can't pick your family, you can't pick your co-workers. But if you can -- pick wisely.

Readers, don't you think co-workers, maybe even more than the boss, can make or break your efforts to achieve work life balance?

 

Lawyer's death raises questions about work life balance at law firms

I just read a a story that terrified me has made me feel the need to put this question out there: Can a person work so hard, it kills him?

It just may have happened in West Virginia. News reports say Adam Maynard, a 35-year-old associate in the labor and employment practice at Dinsmore & Shohl passed away at home after working "maniac hours" at his regional law firm the week before. The New York Times' Above the Law blog reports that Dinsmore as a whole is a sizable shop, an Am Law 200 firm with almost 500 lawyers. But they’re spread out over 13 cities in multiple states, and the Charleston office that was Maynard’s professional home has only about 30 attorneys.

The post notes that no one knows for certain why Maynard passed away, but his friends say he was gunning for partner and working hard before the end — very hard. Apparently Maynard had been billing over 20 hours a day for multiple days in a row. Those days came as a crescendo of a “month of nonstop billing,” a friend told bloggerElie Mystal. Firm memos indicate that Dinsmore partners are internally pushing the line that Maynard’s death had “nothing to do” with the crazy hours he was working.

Mystal writes: "It’s a sad story, one that some accuse the law firm of trying to cover up, but it’s another opportunity for us to remind readers to take care of themselves even when work seems overwhelming… no employer is going to care as much about your health as you do."

Well put Elie!

 What's scary to me about this is that there are Maynards at almost any service firm. People are pushing themselves harder and harder, I see it everywhere I go -- but particularly in the legal industry.  For those of you working way too hard or watching someone else do it, today might be the day to assess the situation.

Do you think Maynard felt shame in admitting he needed a break? Have you ever felt that way? Do you think superiors should pick up on the signals that employees are on the edge? Do they have a responsibility to step in and say something or is the burden on the employee to know his limits?

 

 

Does your spouse make your job stress easier?

Last night I was so stressed out. Work deadlines and the pressure of Valentine's Day had me in a tizzy. Thankfully, my husband was calm and encouraged me to go out for dinner, just for an hour, and celebrate our relationship. I felt much better today and even approached deadlines with new gusto. How does your spouse's response to your work stress affect your home and work life?   Posted on Tue, Feb. 14, 2012 SUPPORT AT HOME GOOD FOR CAREER By Cindy Krischer Goodman balancegal@gmail.com CARL JUSTE / MIAMI HERALD STAFF Will Plasencia, left, and Jami Reyes talk through their stressful days rather than retreat from their problems. You come home after a stressful day at work, kick off your shoes, and continue to stew about the unrealistic demands of a customer or an insult from your jerky boss. If you’re married, chances are high that your spouse could come through the door soon with similar gripes. But what happens next plays a big role in how well you bounce back after a rocky day on the job. Spouses who talk through their stress and offer support will return to their jobs less agitated, more tolerant of co-workers and more satisfied with their career choices. Those who engage in one-upmanship, show no interest or downplay their spouse’s job concerns quickly become dissatisfied at home and work, a new study shows. Wayne Hochwarter, professor at Florida State University’s College of Business, surveyed more than 400 working couples in both blue- and white-collar occupations to better understand how couples survive when both endure daily work stress. “In many cases, both husband and wife return home from work stressed, and it is often difficult to generate the mental and emotional resources needed to help when your own tank is empty,” Hochwarter said. Those husbands and wives who were unable to generate coping support at home returned to work even more agitated, Hochwarter found. “It’s a feeling like, ‘no one has my back, no one is on my team.’ ” He says couples need to feel that the communication lines are open, without either pointing out vulnerabilities or monopolizing the venting process. Farzanna Haffizulla, a South Florida doctor and mother of four, says she left a busy medical practice to start out on her own. Her new practice gives her flexibility in her hours, doesn’t rely on volume or require her to navigate the medical insurance maze because she doesn’t take insurance. Her husband, Jason, still works at a practice where he sees dozens of patients a day. “We made a rule early on. No matter what our days are like, we will not assume that one has less stress than the other.” Haffizulla says she and her husband vent to each other throughout the day by text and email, offering emotional support — even if it’s through a smiley face. Hochwarter says couples in good marriages are continuously refining the give and take at home, sometimes begrudgingly listening to a spouse vent about co-workers who aren’t pulling their weight even after their own miserable day at work. They also are staying in tune to the communication style of their spouse. He found some people don’t want to unload, nor do they want to hear their spouse immediately bombard them with details of their rotten day. “They learn to read each other’s signals.” After Orlando-based attorney Jason Johnson comes home, spends time with his newborn and puts her to bed, he likes to retreat to the bedroom, be alone and “veg out,” particularly if court proceedings may not have gone his way. His wife uses this strategy: “I’ll usually wait and then by me unloading first, it helps him get to a point where he’s ready to unload,” explains Lori Johnson, a public relations executive with a large global firm. Jason says talking over his job frustrations with his wife actually brings them closer. “Even though we’re in different industries, clients are clients and she can relate to the stress I’m dealing with and offer her perspective.” In strong relationships, spouses or significant others know how to bring each other back to the middle. “We both work for external clients who want to know how high we will jump today. We can talk about how crazy our clients are and get each other to laugh about it,” Lori says. In Hochwarter’s study, men and women differed in what supportive behaviors they preferred. Women wanted to be cut slack in terms of household chores and for their husbands to show empathy. Men wanted appreciation, affection and some alone time. Both wanted to feel the other understands the activities, culture and demands that encompass their work day. In similar careers, Jami Reyes, a government relations consultant, and William Plasencia, senior staff for Miami Commissioner Marc Sarnoff, have an advantage. “We completely understand each other’s worlds and the challenges and we can commiserate with each other. I think it helps in our relationship and our careers,” Plasencia says. Divorced, Reyes says she was miserable in a marriage where she didn’t have spousal support. This time around, in a serious eight-year relationship with Plasencia, she enjoys work and home life more. “It’s not perfect, sometimes we both retreat to our corners,” she says. However, most nights, the two talk through the day’s stresses as they cook dinner together. “In healthy relationships, you look at each other as a sounding board,” Reyes says.

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Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2012/02/14/v-print/2641983/support-at-home-good-for-career.html#storylink=cpy

Does "nagging" go on at work or just in marriages?

One of the hottest stories this week appeared in the Wall Street Journal under the headline, Meet the Marriage Killer: Nagging. The story called nagging as toxic to a relationship as adultery. (See video clip above of writer interviewed on CBS News)

I know about the WSJ article because my husband nagged me to read it.

Of course, the perception is that all wives nag. Indeed, the article started with a story about a wife who went as far as to leave a note in her husband's sandwich to "nag" him to go to Home Depot.

I've seen lots of people weigh in on this story and I want to add my two cents. First of all, men nag too. If we're getting ready to go someone and I'm not moving as quickly as my husband would like, you should hear the nagging that goes on to get me to move faster. I would bet money this same scenario occurs in other marriages, too. Back in 2007, Lisa Belkin wrote about nagging and said we nag people we care about. With the rest of the world, we let them have their consequences. That article concludes you can't nag someone into change.

In the WSJ article, Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver, says couples who learn to reduce this type of negative communication will increase their odds of staying together. The first step, he says, is admit you are stuck in a bad pattern. The second is to look at it from the other person's perspective. Explain why the request is important to you and set a time frame. If you are the naggee, give a clear response which may include considering alternative solutions.

I noticed that nagging goes on in the workplace, too. Most of us have witnessed it.

It could be a boss whose getting frustrated with an employee and starts nagging him to do his job. It could be co-worker who thinks he or she is the boss and nags the other person to do their job differently. I believe it usually ends up with the whole office or department miserable. No one likes to witness nagging.

So I'm putting it out there -- nagging is just as toxic in the workplace as it is in a marriage.

But should it be handled the same way? If you witness it, should you offer up the suggestions that Markham has given -- bring attention to it and come up with ways to break the pattern? Have any of you ever tried that?

If you're doing the nagging, is it because the other person is a slacker or is there something else going on? Did you even realize you were nagging? Do you think people who break the nagging pattern at home will bring a better self to work?

Ease Holiday Stress, boost work life balance

Like most of you, I'm trying to stay merry. I still have holiday cards and packages to mail. Next week, my kids will be off school, I will still have shopping to so and I'll be finishing up year-end articles. But I will NOT become stressed. I will try to slowly sip hot chocolate, listen to the cheery deck-the-halls music on store speakers and enjoy the fa-la-la of the season.

For those of you like me, trying to rise above the chaos, I decided to offer up some tips in my Miami Herald column for finding that work life balance over the next few weeks. I called on some experts to pitch in with ideas. If you have more to add, feel free to chime in.

 

 

Posted on Tue, Dec. 13, 2011

Tips to control holiday season stress

By Cindy Krischer Goodman
balancegal@gmail.com

Last weekend, I maneuvered my cart through Home Depot searching for a holiday gift for my brother. On one aisle, a shopper screeched at the store assistant, irate over customers blocking her path. On another, a woman grabbed at an extension cord as I put it in my cart. I pondered over how I could have made the disastrous decision to visit this store on a Saturday during the chaotic holiday season.

The experience made me think about the advice shared by MyCorporation CEO Deborah Sweeney

Think Teamwork: “Usually people in the holiday spirit are willing to pick up some slack for others who need an hour or two here or there,” she says. “Sometimes people want to attend their child’s holiday party or show, or just get a couple hours of less busy shopping time in.”

She has found co-workers are willing to take on a few extra calls to give each other a longer lunch. “It can be a win-win because it comes full circle when you need that extra time yourself.”

Priortize invitations: Holiday parties be ideal for meeting new people, making potential work contacts and reuniting with previous co-workers, particularly if you spent most of the year focused inward. But overdoing it can zap your energy — fast.

You are going to need to make some decisions. Erbi Blanco-True participates in numerous community groups in addition to her job as director of community development for Great Florida Bank in Miami. That means loads of invitations to holiday cocktail parties. In the past, Blanco-True would dash from one event to the next each night, trying not to disappoint the host. On the weekends, she found herself too exhausted to get her holiday shopping done. This year, she has limited herself to one party a night. “I’ve realized that so many people go to the events that unless you are key to the organization, if you don’t go it’s not a big deal.”

Modify shopping habits: Many of us run ourselves ragged coming up with presents for people we don’t care that much about. Even more, we get upset when we don’t get the reaction we had expected when we give a gift. If you want to find some balance during the holidays, buy or make presents only for the people you really care about, and the heck with sending out 1,000 cards or mailing gifts to relatives you rarely speak with during the year.

This year, you might consider tracking your shopping and receipts in one place, either in a notepad or using some of the new tech devices. By making use of lightweight scanners and mobile apps you can automatically collect your online shopping receipts so you don’t lose track of your spending or the record of what you bought. An additional bonus is that keeping electronic receipts could save you time when tax time rolls around.

Look for short cuts: Hundreds of new time saving apps are popping up to help manage holiday-related stress. One such app is GrubHub, which makes it easier to leave work, hit the mall and then order dinner from a local restaurant and pick it up or have it delivered. Another useful app is Shop Savvy Barcode Scanner, which cuts out driving from store to store to find bargains. The app allows you to scan an item and see where the better deals are in other stores. It also goes a step further and gives you a map showing you exactly how to get there.

Leticia Barr, founder of TechSavvyMama.com, says a couple of key devices that she added to her home office make a big difference this time of year. First, a good printer is crucial. “You can use it to make a last-minute greeting card or a gift tag.” She also recommends a business card scanner, which will come in handy when you return from a holiday networker. For example, CardScan by Dymo allows you to scan both sides of the business cards at the same time and drag and drop, import and manage contacts.

Learn to unplug: All around me, people are planning their holiday time off or gearing up to use the last of their vacation days. We all know it’s increasingly challenging to take a real break from the office. If you are committed to enjoying time off before the new year, Yahoo! Web Life Expert Heather Cabot advises taking some deliberate steps with email.

First, craft a clever out of office message for your email account with specifics about when you should be contacted. Next, suspend your social media alerts and e-newsletters. Most importantly, think before you send email, particularly the day before you take off on vacation. (For every email you send, you can expect double the responses in return). Lastly, unsubscribe from email you opted to receive but don’t read.