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What Tiger Woods Should Have Said to Reporters During Monday's Press Conference

I know you guys are here to ask questions about my relationship with my wife, the sex I had with several women who aren't my wife, the freaky text messages and emails I sent to some of them, and then, maybe, about my golf game. But I'm not going to satisfy your curiosity. Before we open the floor to questions, let's get a couple things straight for the last time, because after I clear the air here, unless I backslide and resume my recent-past cheating ways, then I will take no more questions - ever! - about my sex life.

So here's the deal. I have apologized repeatedly to my wife for cheating on her with other women. My apologies are clearly just words. But she'll need to observe my actions over time to trust me again. I have apologized to my fans for displaying bad character and tarnishing the clean, disciplined image they had grown to expect of me. I don't think I owe you guys any apologies, because most of you were hired or assigned to cover my life in the context of golf, not keep score of who I cheated with...unless you know something I don't about how such a tally relates to golf. To a lesser extent, I have offered a general apology to the women with whom I cheated. And that's all I intend to offer them. Yes, I treated them as sexual objects and in that context I used them. But I did not kidnap any of them. I did not hold them against their will. They are all grown women. They all knew that I was married when they agreed to have sex with me. If anything, they need to offer heartfelt apologies to my wife for scheming with me to cheat, and thus partnering with me to jointly disrespect Elin. I'm not afraid of anything they may leak to the press. Nothing they say or show you guys can be more humiliating than the messages they've already released.

By the way, don't ask me about other so-called celebrities' sex lives either. Their problems are theirs, whether they swing a club, shoot a ball, or build motorcycles for a living. If they're sucker enough to keep talking to you about the stuff that doesn't relate to their work, then more power to them. But unless - God forbid - I cheat again, then I'm done talking about it.

And that, guys, is all I have to say about my sex life...ever...unless, like I said earlier, I backslide. And if that happens, I deserve all the tabloid-like trashy coverage I get.

So, let's talk golf and only golf....

PS. Follow me, please, at twitter.com/jamesburnett.


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from the comments i hear from the general public and pro golfers it seems as if the obsession with tiger's sex life is entirely the media's obsession (except you of course). everyone else just wants to watch him play golf

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