Burnettiquette

Cheating wife misses the point...

I wanted to just write "really" for this post and nothing else. But I wanted to write it in italics and all caps, followed by a string of question marks and exclamation points, kinda like this...REALLY?!?!?!

But I couldn't resist a classic example of missing the forest for the trees.

A Canadian woman is suing her phone service provider for consolidating her cell phone bill with her husband's TV and high speed Internet bills. Yeah, her husband. Same household, save an envelope, save a stamp, etc. And Rogers Wireless says the couple asked that their bill be consolidated for convenience.

That's what Rogers did "wrong." What the woman is saying in her suit though is that Rogers streamlining of bills inadvertently tipped her husband off to the affair she'd had with another man.

So, by her logic, Rogers is responsible for her husband saying Seeya! and leaving her after he discovered the affair.

Apparently the husband went over the itemized cell bill, noticed a bunch of lengthy calls to a strange number, called the number, and the guy who answered admitted an affair.

In court documents the wife said that after her husband left her and the kids in '07 (I hope he's keeping up the child support), her life began to suck, and she became so bummed out without her husband around that she couldn't function well or lead a comfortable life. So Rogers owes her $600,000 for indirectly tipping off her husband. She also says they caused her emotional pain by making it easy for him to find out about the affair through the bill. And that's not the way she wanted him to find out.

I'm no relationship expert, but I'm thinking that Rogers could have consolidated all this couple's household bills - including water and sewage and mortgage, and her husband wouldn't have found about the affair...IF SHE HADNT CHEATED!

That's all for me, tonight folks. Gotta keep the dog from eating Scrabble pieces as Mrs. B and I play. And then I have to go hide the cell phone bill.

It should go without saying, but I am, of course, kidding about that last line.

Follow me, please, at twitter.com/jamesburnett.

Miami club goer killed for not being a smoker

Remember when I wrote a column about being too old for nightclub craziness? This scenario wasn't in it. But may as well add it to the list.

Texting While Driving...and my lovely voice

The two do not go together. Trust me.

First things, first: My Friday column is about texting while driving. Do I really need to tell you it's a bd practice? And I swear I'm not just asking 'cause Oprah says it ain't right. Seriously. I'd have said so anyway. For reals!

Anyway, researchers at the University of Utah say texting and talking on cell phones can cause drivers to be as distracted as if they were legally drunk.

More than 500,000 people are injured and 6,000 killed each year in car accidents involving a driver who was texting while behind the wheel.

I confess, I've done it waaaaaay too many times. And I'm fortunate I didn't kill someone or myself. I've stopped, unless I'm at a red light or in a parking lot, or stopped somewhere else. No more texting in moving traffic for me.

In fact, I'm not sure I should even talk on my cell phone in the car. Yeah, I have speakerphone, headsets, etc., but I can't tell you how many times I've gotten so engrossed in a conversation that I've arrived at Point B not even remembering a single detail of the commute from Point A. I'll have to think about cutting back on or cutting out the cell talking while driving too.

So the Florida Legislature had a chance to vote in committee this week on a bill that would ban texting while driving in the Sunshine State. Instead the bill died before a vote, 'cause one lawmaker decided it was silly  to go after texting without also going after other behaviors distracting to drivers. In theory she's right. But why not start with texting and work on banning those other things later?

You can read the full text of my Friday column here.

On to my pipes: You can hear me and colleagues discuss this, Gov. Charlie Crist's ditching of the GOP, and other topics from noon - 1 p.m. today - Friday - at wlrn.org, or if you're in South Florida, at 91.3 FM.

PS. Follow me, please, at twitter.com/jamesburnett.

Bad Samaritans - 20-plus walk past dying man on NYC sidewalk

Have you heard about this one?

Hugo Alfredo Tale-Yax, a 32-year-old homeless man in New York, saw a woman being attacked and intervened to help her. Tale-Yax managed to stop the assault and rescue the woman, but the assailant turned his knife on Tale-Yax, who, fatally wounded, collapsed on a nearby sidewalk.

Over the next couple hours, at least 20 people walked by Tale-Yax, as he lay in a growing pool of blood - some throwing quick glances his way, others oblivious to him or ignoring him. One man took a cell phone picture of him lying on the ground. Another man eventually tried to roust him. Eventually 911 was called. By the time they arrived, Tale-Yax had bled to death.

My instinct is to get on the bandwagon and say all the people who walked by him are A-holes who should be ashamed of themselves.

My good sense though says that I might have done the same thing: walked fast about my business, and made a snap judgment about him as I walked by, or pretended not to see him in case he wanted money or might try to engage me in conversation.

What?!?! You know I'm not writing anything you haven't thought yourself.

I walk around homeless people like Frogger dodging cars, when I stroll through downtown Miami on an average day. Sometimes you have to, or a theoretical 10 minute walk can turn into a 30 minute walk because you're stopping every few seconds to make a donation or engage in conversations about the mysterious black helicopters, or the aliens who are trying to land spacecraft at Bayfront Park or take over our brains.

I wish someone had stopped sooner to help Tale-Yax, but given all the wackiness out there, just how mad can we Monday morning quarterbacks be at those folks in the security video?

Face it: they probably assumed he was passed out drunk. Who knows? Maybe that block is known for hosting a gauntlet of passed out drunks.

One thing realllllllllllllllllllllly bothers me about the inaction though: News reports from NYC say that Tale-Yax was in a pool of blood. How do you miss that? How do you ignore that? Granted, he was stabbed at 5:40 a.m. Maybe it was dark outside yet. Still....

Question of the day - Under the same circumstances, would you have stopped to check on Tale-Yax, or would you too have zoomed right by?

I like to think I'd have stopped, but that's because it feels better to tell myself we all care. I can't swear that I would have. In fact, there's at least a 50/50 chance that I might have walked on by.

At any rate, kudos to Tale-Yax for being a hero. May he rest in peace. And may his killer get caught and get what's coming to him.

PS. Follow me, please, at twitter.com/jamesburnett.

Bullies and Bad Hair in Philly

What's crackin', friends and frienemies?

Another Friday, another day, another 90 cents.

My column in today's Miami Herald is about the sad likelihood that a recent victim of hardcore bullying will be menaced again by knuckleheaded kids, and how the bullies are driven by pack mentalities.

Wherever you live, over the past few months you've probably heard or seen the story of Michael Brewer, a 15-year-old South Florida kid who was surrounded by five now-former friends in his neighborhood, ranging in age from 13 - 15 and set afire for reporting them to authorities for trying to steal his dad's bike and for allegedly owing one of 'em money for a video game purchase. Brewer suffered severe burns and was in the hospital for months recovering. He's out and started at a new school a couple days ago. The kids who torched him have been charged with crimes. But I spoke with experts who say a new pack of bullies will probably single him out 'cause they think he's vulnerable now. Hope the experts are wrong, but these are people whose expertise is built on preventing new Columbines from happening.

Anywho, you can read the whole column here. Check it out, come back here, tell me what you think.

Moving right along, here's an interesting story: A cop in Philadelphia bought a hair color kit, 'cause she thought crimson - the color labeled on the box - would be neato. She dyed her locks, showed up to work the next day, and was quickly confronted by a supervisor who told her to lose the purple hair 'cause it was a violation of the Philly Police Department's rule against officer's having "unnatural" hair color. The cop said her hair wasn't purple, but rather red. They bickered for a bit over the fine points of hair dye and the difference between crimson, red, and purple. In the end, the supervisor sent the officer home a couple of times and even had her photographed mugshot style for evidence. So she sued, arguing it was a hair color she'd worn for seven years prior as a cop and had never gotten a complaint from the bosses.

My first reaction is that this was a silly fight. I really don't care what color a cop's hair is. I honestly don't think I'd view that officer as more or less credible or authoritative based on his/her hair color. If it was lime green or something, I might find it distracting and annoying, but I'd still probably listen if a lime green-haired cop weilding a nightstick or mace...or gun, was headed in my direction.

My second reaction though is this wasn't a rule the supervisor pulled out of his wig. This was a written rule in the PDP and had been in place long before Ofcr. Purple decided to get creative. So what's her beef? It was a rule. The supervisor thought her crimson was a little too out there. At worst it was a difference of opinion over purple and crimson. No?

Anyway, Philly PD has a hair problem. A year or so ago, another cop showed up with braided/cornrowed hair, and he was put on desk duty till he agreed to cut it. Think you know what his beef was about? If you guess race, you guess wrong. Ofcr. Cornrow was a white cop!

PS. Follow me, please, at twitter.com/jamesburnett.

Nightclub Murders - What gives?

Happy Friday, people.

I have lots to say 'bout lots of stuff, but first I need you to indulge me a bit: Talk to me about the topic of today's column.

To read the whole thing follow that link. Please do read the whole thing! But if you don't have time, here's a synopsis: Over the past 12 months there have been at least eight murders or major assaults at South Florida night spots. With one exception, all of these incidents were sparked by verbal spats - someone calling someone else a name, someone looking at someone else the wrong way and then making a snarky comment, someone flirting with someone else's signficant other, etc.

There is an element out there - usually of the elected variety - that take these incidents to be signs that nightclubs are inherently unsafe, especially if they play "angry" music.

I don't see it that way. This isn't a club issue. It's a good sense issue. Sure, nightclubs need to provide adequate security, but you can't fault clubs for ignorant people who patronize the places and then act out.

Would you fault a restaurant owner if a series of jackasses choose to frequent his place and end their evenings by turning over tables and throwing dishes on the floor?

And when you come across a neighborhood that has a crime problem, you don't blame the officials who represent that 'hood or the cops who patrol it - not if you have good sense, anyway. You blame the people committing the crime.

Anyway, follow that link if you have a moment, then come back here and weigh in.

PS. Follow me, please, at twitter.com/jamesburnett.

What Tiger Woods Should Have Said to Reporters During Monday's Press Conference

I know you guys are here to ask questions about my relationship with my wife, the sex I had with several women who aren't my wife, the freaky text messages and emails I sent to some of them, and then, maybe, about my golf game. But I'm not going to satisfy your curiosity. Before we open the floor to questions, let's get a couple things straight for the last time, because after I clear the air here, unless I backslide and resume my recent-past cheating ways, then I will take no more questions - ever! - about my sex life.

So here's the deal. I have apologized repeatedly to my wife for cheating on her with other women. My apologies are clearly just words. But she'll need to observe my actions over time to trust me again. I have apologized to my fans for displaying bad character and tarnishing the clean, disciplined image they had grown to expect of me. I don't think I owe you guys any apologies, because most of you were hired or assigned to cover my life in the context of golf, not keep score of who I cheated with...unless you know something I don't about how such a tally relates to golf. To a lesser extent, I have offered a general apology to the women with whom I cheated. And that's all I intend to offer them. Yes, I treated them as sexual objects and in that context I used them. But I did not kidnap any of them. I did not hold them against their will. They are all grown women. They all knew that I was married when they agreed to have sex with me. If anything, they need to offer heartfelt apologies to my wife for scheming with me to cheat, and thus partnering with me to jointly disrespect Elin. I'm not afraid of anything they may leak to the press. Nothing they say or show you guys can be more humiliating than the messages they've already released.

By the way, don't ask me about other so-called celebrities' sex lives either. Their problems are theirs, whether they swing a club, shoot a ball, or build motorcycles for a living. If they're sucker enough to keep talking to you about the stuff that doesn't relate to their work, then more power to them. But unless - God forbid - I cheat again, then I'm done talking about it.

And that, guys, is all I have to say about my sex life...ever...unless, like I said earlier, I backslide. And if that happens, I deserve all the tabloid-like trashy coverage I get.

So, let's talk golf and only golf....

PS. Follow me, please, at twitter.com/jamesburnett.

Obamacare stokes memories of Buckwheat? So says Congressional Candidate

So a South Florida Congressional candidate was making a campaign speech the other night and in the process of decrying Pres. Obama's new healthcare bill, he blurted out "Listen up, Buckwheat. That's not how it's done!"

Would you assume "Buckwheat" was a race-bating slap at Obama, for the most obvious reason?

I would. It's reasonable assumption, I think.

Now, the twist to the story: The candidate, Corey Poitier, is black. Not that it should matter, but he's running as a Republican.

Poitier says he was taken aback by criticism of his comment, and says "Buckwheat" was aimed at the healthcare reform plan itself, not at Obama. He says he meant to convey that the plan is "silly."

Otay, then! That makes sense. I don't like your plan, so I'm going to call it by the name of a harmless but buffoonish sitcom character from back in the day - not the whole show, but the very buffoonish character who shares some obvious physical characteristics with you!

Poitier completed his self-defense by arguing it's not logical that he could be racist toward another black person, being black himself.

If you read me with any regularity, you know one of my biggest pet peeves is hypersensitivity and hyper-Political Correctness.

But the criticism of Poitier falls into neither of those categories. What he said was stupid, and by virtue of the fact that it was an obvious race-related putdown, maybe racist.

Maybe. But not necessarily. It's possible Poitier really intended to convey an opinion of silliness. If so though, he took a round-about way to make the point. Whatever the case, one of his potential Democratic opponents - also a black man - downplayed suggestions of racism on Poitier's part and said instead that Poitier simply spoke before he thought and said something stupid.

Anyway, Mr. Poitier, if you're reading this, here are two free lessons from Politics 101 that informed supporters of your campaign should have given you:

• Don't take swipes at people over characteristics they don't control - like skin color, eye color, height, physical disability, etc...unless you're Sammy Sosa, who apparently has discovered how to control his skin color. But that's another story. Those types of knocks, no matter how you mean them are going to be interpreted in a bay way nine out of 10 times.
• And what determines an action of yours as racist or some other "ist" isn't the group to which you belong, but rather the group to which your target belongs, and your apparent intentions.

PS. Follow me, please, at twitter.com/jamesburnett.

In the stupid lawsuits category: Lindsay Lohan and some inmate

Person who lives in California, Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade, the online stock trading company, over what she says is an unauthorized portrayal of her in those sometimes funny TV commercials featuring talking babies.

Apparently one of those babies is named Lindsay - on TV, mind you, not necessarily in real life, and that baby happens to be a "milkaholic" in the commercials. And Lohan argues that she is a famous enough personality that as with Madonna, and Cher, when high profile given-name mentions are made to "Lindsay," it is safe to assume those are references to her.

Therefore she wants $100 million from E-Trade, $50 million in compensatory damages and $50 million in exemplary damages.

Hmmm. I've never read about anyone accusing Lohan of drinking too much milk.

Reminds me of this guy, in terms of just how stupid the idea behind the suit is.

In fact, I think I'm gonna sue the estate of the late James Dunn to compel them to share his Hockey Hall of Fame title with me. And then I'm going after James Gandolfini. I want some Sopranos royalties. Every time someone interviews him and calls him James, I believe they're thinking of me.

PS. Follow me, please, at twitter.com/jamesburnett.

Monday Roundup: 24, Oscars, Ashburn, Burkett, Walt Baker, Haiti

What's crackin' friends and frienemies?

Just finished watching 24, 1 a.m. - 2 a.m., and I remain confused about something: How did charatcer Dana Walsh get a job at a federal counter-terrorism unit, with a criminal background as an armed robber (at least, I think it was armed robber)? I know a guy who couldn't get a gig at McDonald's 'cause he had a terrible driving history with a gut-load of unpaid tickets. Not like he was gonna be driving through the grill area at McD's. Of all the spy stuff that sometimes comes across as incredulous (though enough of it is scary enough to make you ponder) on this show, her making it through the background check process is the least believable thing to me.

I was happy for Sandra Bullock that she won the Oscar for "best actress" Sunday night. I thought The Blind Side was touching. But I can't lie. I'm still slightly put off by yet another movie about a needy, poor black kid, saved in the nick of time when a white family swoops in. Why does this bother me? It's not the acts of kindness. I laud them. I laud those acts from the Touhy family, portrayed in the film, and from any other family that helps a kid in need. My problem is really me - my paranoia that certain tiny-minded folks will read into the Touhy's good deeds and see a perpetuation of the stereotype of needy, helpless black folks. Shoot, my folks over the years have taken in a dozen ragamuffins of all stripes, particularly struggling younger black folks. And no one's making any movies about the Burnetts. I recommended to my mom they call the movie "The Dark Side" if it ever got made. Thought I was being clever. But she pointed out I could end up getting sued by George Lucas for swiping one of his Star Wars themes.

And speaking of Oscars, I wonder if Elinor Burkett, who pulled a Kanye West, by bum rushing the stage during Roger Ross Williams' acceptance speech will draw several days worth of condemnations for the act. There were people on Twitter calling for West's man parts to be lopped off when he interrupted singer Taylor Swift at an MTV awards ceremony a few months ago. I'm thinking the buzz about Burkett is gonna fade quickly. The difference between her and Man-West is he had a public track record of speaking out of turn. Plus, Taylor Swift is a kid, and thus more sympathetic than Williams, a grown man who could have put Burkett in a headlock till he was done saying thank you.

I believe in Karma. So before reading further, set aside your opinions on homosexuality and affirmative action - as in whether you believe either is right or wrong or good or bad or whatever. Now, with a level mind, tell me if you disagree that Karma has bitten California State Sen. Roy Ashburn (R-Sacramento), who so vehemently spoke out against gay rights legislation in his state, but was caught last week driving drunk on his way home with a male hookerish guy from a gay bar. In that incident, Ashburn, who on Monday came out as gay, was exposed as a hypocrite. Ashburn's admission that he is gay makes him just as bad as those Baby Boomer beneficiaries of affirmative action legislation, who later got on soapboxes and poked fun of and placed guilt trips on people younger than them who stood to benefit from the same legislation. Again, this isn't a con/pro judgment of AA, any more than it is of Ashburn's lifestyle. It's a judgment against phonies. We can talk lifestyle in another post ;-)

Walt Baker is the latest example of a sufferer of Hoof-in-Mouth disease, who didn't quite get the problem with his most recent display of symptoms. Baker, was CEO of the Tennessee Hospitality Association, till he was fired on Monday, following an uproar over an email he circulated several days ago that compared First Lady Michelle Obama's looks to those of Cheetah, Tarzan's chimpanzee companion. Baker's initial reaction wasn't "Sorry for my tasteless attempt at a joke." It was This email was sent to me. I simply forwarded it!, followed by I forwarded it from a personal email account, not from work!, followed by It didn't occur to me that there might be a racist interpretation of the email. I meant it as political commentary! (so what do her looks have to do with her/her husband's politics?), followed by I'm sorry some people were offended by my joke! (never mind the content of the joke), followed by Oops!, followed by Guess I'll be cleaning out my desk now! 

I don't feel any sympathy for Baker, but the most honest, stand-up thing he could have done (or what he should have done if he had good PR people) would have been to issue an immediate statement saying "Look, I forwarded that email 'cause I thought it was funny. I know it was tasteless. And that's why I only sent it to a few people. The sentiment in the email was mean-spirited, and arguably racist, two attitudes I'd say I've never had, though I know my actions with this email say otherwise. So I'm sorry. I'm first sorry for getting caught, 'cause I admit if I hadn't gotten caught I'd have never felt sorry. But now that I am caught the uproar over this incident is giving me pause to examine my own heart and sense of humor. I'll be seeking counseling from my minister. And I'll be meeting with a diverse set of community leaders to discuss ways I might open my mind and better learn the common sense differences between humor and poor taste." No way that statement was gonna happen. Still...

 Friends have been asking me what was the most disturbing thing I saw in Haiti a couple weeks ago. Answer? Classism. It's a given that all the death and destruction were horrible. Difficult stuff to describe and it bothered me to see it all day everyday, especially knowing that folks in Port-au-Prince would have to live in it for years to come. But what bothered me most was the blatant classism on display. Yeah we have it in the U.S. too. But here it's often tied in with race or skin color...though not always. It couldn't be blamed on skin color in Haiti, just status. My last day in the city, the driver who took me to the airport wasn't my regular guy. This driver was from Petionville, a nice (in some parts downright fancy) neighborhood in the hills above Port-au-Prince. As we drove through destroyed poor 'hoods on the way to the airport, we passed an old guy limping with a cane, dressed in rags, walking his dog through a pile of garbage, looking for scraps. My driver honked at them, gestured wildly for them to get out of the way, cursed at the pair, though there was plenty of room for us to get by without all the drama, and then turned to me with a dumb grin and said "Eh, I almost mixed them up, boss! They look to me like two dogs, instead of one." He thought he was funny. I won't be hiring that driver when I go back.