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Stop the presses! Confirm or deny! Get me rewrite!

You probably think television critics lie around all day eating chocolates and watching TV. Well, yeah, but we're also trained journalism professionals. We get our teeth into the story. We can scream confirm or deny! just as good as Woodward, Bernstein or Carl Kolchak.

Don't believe me? Listen to the coverup we sniffed out and busted Wednesday. ABC programming boss Stephen McPherson had the misfortune to be on the morning panel after a night with no catered dinner (that's what it means when they say a reporter is hungry, right?, and he paid the price. It started with a critic confronting McPherson with a rumor she'd heard that an announcement will be made Thursday at a San Diego comic book convention ("Comic-Con," we call it in our secret hip newshound lingo) about a cast change on Lost. "They do have some announcements," McPherson admitted nervously.

"Well, can you tell us?" the critic demanded. "No," McPherson said, beads of sweat breaking out on his forehead.

"I don't think my editor is going to be very happy," another critic interjected. Threats are never pretty, but sometimes they're the only way.

Shouted a third, brandishing a copy of the First Amendment like a crucifix to a vampire as McPherson cowered back from the podium: "What's the point of having 150 reporters with access to millions of readers sitting here?"

McPherson, whimpering, tried another tack. "Okay, I'll give you the announcement," he said. "I cast Don Imus on Lost." Ha! Like we don't have a million years of collective experience at shrugging off sarcasm from editors. "Are we not important enough for you?" a critic thundered. "Or do you just not want to talk to us?"

The tearful McPherson cracked. "Harold Perrineau is returning to the show," he screamed as a phalanx of ABC publicists threw their bodies into the line of fire, protecting him from the baleful glances we fired his way. It was too late; American journalism had once again afflicted the comfortable and comforted the afflicted. We had our story. Man, if we'd been on Watergate, it would have been over by the first weekend.

0609290437 PS: Here's a picture of Harold Perrineau, being escorted to his press conference by a crack squadron of TV critics. In case you've forgotten who he is.

PPS: Hey, all you geeks who paid $200 to get into Comic-Con for an exclusive news break on your favorite show, nyah-nyah-nyah.

Comments

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chase

Hey, isn't that you in the front there, leading our crack squad of critics?

I love the post, and I'm shocked you didn't get a catered meal Tuesday night, that's SO wrong.

chase

Hey, isn't that you in the front there, leading our crack squad of critics?

I love the post, and I'm shocked you didn't get a catered meal Tuesday night, that's SO wrong.

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