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They smile in your face, all the time they want to eat your lunch...

I've learned a lot of things during the Miami Herald Fitness Challenge: How to use an elliptical training machine. (Without killing myself, I mean.) How to make pizza out of eggplant. (Honest, it's really pretty good.) And how carbohydrate deprivation can turn formerly decent human beings into sociopathic liars and treacherous backstabbers.

I am referring, of course, to my colleague-competitors, Lisett Araujo and Andrew Richardson, or as I (un)affectionately refer to them, the Duplicitous Scum who've whiled away the past couple of weeks in scurrilous scheming, devious defamation and other even more alliterative atrocities.

First, they somehow tricked our Herald bosses into sending me on assignment for a week to Nicaragua, the churrasco capital of the world. And then they filled the pages of the Herald, not to mention the pixels of its website, with malicious libels -- of my exercise habits, my stomach, my beard, probably even my cat. I stopped reading after about the first 3,000 insults. The bad news for them is that it was all for nothing. To my own amazement, I didn't gain any weight in Managua. Read my full story on what lying swine Lisett and Andrew are in Tuesday's Miami Herald. 


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