Changing Channels

A new network comes to South Florida, nyuk-nyuk-nyuk

Wondering what was the use of that digital converter box the government made you buy last year? You might get some use out of it starting Jan. 1, when a new digital-only network sets up shop. Antenna TV goes on the air at midnight on New Years Day with a 28-hour Three Stooges marathon, followed by a 26-hour Benny Hill marathon.

If you have any eyeballs or IQ points left after that, it switches to a vintage TV schedule -- and I mean vintage. The George Burns And Gracie Allen Show (1950-58). The Adventures Of Wild Bill Hickock (1951-58). The Adventures Of Rin Tin Tin (1954-59). Dennis The Menace (1959-63), The Farmer's Daughter, with the dumbfoundingly beautiful Inger Stevens (1963-66). Then for you young folks, there's The Monkees (1966-68) and The Partridge Family (1973-74). Oh, Monkees anthropologists might like to get a look at Circus Boy (1956-58), an adventure show about a 12-year-old boy named Corky, traveling with a circus at the turn of the 20th century. Corky was played by a young actor named Mickey Braddock. Real name: Micky Dolenz.

You won't be able to find Antenna TV on cable or satellite -- at least not for now. It's launching on the digital signals of Tribune Broadcasting stations in 17 U.S. markets. In South Florida, you'll find it on WSFL's 39.3 channel.

Al Gore's cable channel Current is a fizzle

It's been kind of a tough week month for Al Gore. His marriage broke up, he was labeled "a sex-crazed poodle," in a police affidavit, and now the Hollywood Reporter is hammering his cable TV channel, Current. The Reporter says Gore has been trying to unload the thing for months and, despairing of that, has junked the entire New Media paradigm of an interactive television network. It's just been one shock after another for Gore: Most user-generated content is crap. Advertisers aren't interested in a channel where viewers stick around for only two minutes at a time. And most fundamentally, TV isn't the Internet. So just about everything but Current's name is being junked as the channel converts itself into a traditional network airing long-form news documentaries it produces itself. Otherwise, it's going really well, thank you.

ABC shuts down Soapnet for new Disney channel

Better enjoy those General Hospital reruns while you can. ABC and Disney announced Wednesday that they're shutting down their Soapnet channel and replacing it with something called Disney Junior, aimed at kids aged 2 to 7. Apparently in this economy, they're the only ones who have any money left. Disney Junior will air new series as well as familiar stuff like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Handy Manny and Imagination Movers. And of course there will be Disney movies, including 101 Dalmatians, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid and the rest of the usual suspects. Best of all, insomniac pre-schoolers will have something to watch while chain-smoking at 4 a.m.: Disney Junior will be a 24-hour channel.

As for Soapnet, launched in 2000 and available in 75 million homes, let the wake begin. It'll be a long one: ABC won't pull the plug until 2012.

A new Spanish-language channel hits the air

Look for a new Spanish-language channel on your television any day now. Utilisima, a lifestyle channel (think 
Food Network crossed with HGTV crossed with DIY) that until now has been targeted at Latin America, is launching a U.S. version. The innovative thing about it: Utilisima will air shows with Cuban, Puerto Rican and other Caribbean themes during East Coast prime-time hours, then show Mexican-oriented programming during West Coast prime time.

"A lot of Spanish-language channels treat the U.S. Hispanic audience as one big monolithic mass, but we think that's a mistake," says Hernan Lopez, chief operating officer for Fox International Channels, which owns Utilisima. "But the fact is that you have more Mexicans on the West Coast and more Cubans and Dominicans on the East Coast. No other channel has directly targeted that nuance.

Utilisima went on the air in 1996 (it originally featured programming mainly from Argentina) and has been sporadically available in the United States since 2005. But Fox plans a major push for new distribution with the aim of getting the channel into 50 percent of U.S. Hispanic homes in the next two years. One of the major targets: Comcast in South Florida.

Bigfoot, Loch Ness and 3D TV

Not everybody believes that 3D television is happening soon, at least not in any meaningful way. Here's a stinging dissent from marketing researcher James McQuivey.

Oprah Winfrey's long goodbye

I know you Oprah fans love a good cry, but save it for a two-headed kitty or somebody poisoned with mad- cow disease by powerful and sinister Big Meat. The orgy of goodbyes to her syndicated talk show last week was an impressive salute to the power of synthetics -- in this case, Oprah's artificial claim of retirement.

She said she's leaving her syndicated talk show in September, 2011. Somewhat lessheralded was her announcement that her own cable channel, the Oprah Winfrey Network, will go on the air in January 2011. Count on eight months of lugubrious what-will-we-do-without-you goodbye shows, followed by a miraculous deliverance: Well, darlings, you can just follow me right over to my own network!

Did I say eight months? Pardon me for the mental lapse. Make that 24 months. "The countdown to the end of The Oprah Winfrey Show starts now," said Oprah in her announcement last week. "And until that day in 2011 when it ends, I intend to soak up every meaningful, joy-filled moment with you." Whispering in your ear to demand that your cable company add the Oprah Winfrey Network, even though it's going to cost about twice as much as ESPN.

Just when you thought marketers couldn't GET any stupider...

The Sci Fi channel changing its name to Syfy. Because "sci fi" is geeky and "syfy" is, you know, cool.  

MyNetworkTV, the incredible shrinking network

Not every idea Roger Ailes has pans out. MyNetworkTV, the all-telenovela network he conceived to take advantage of the vacuum created by the 2006 merger of UPN and The WB, long ago lost its novelas. And now it's not even a network anymore. The company has slashed a night of programming, added a big chunk of network reruns to its slate, and officially abandoned the designation "network." It's now a "program service" -- essentially, a show syndicator.

The original idea of MyNetworkTV was to keep programming cheap,remaking novelas that had aired elsewhere in the world at perhaps 10 percent of what the big networks spend for their shows. But even after the first generation of novelasflopped and MyNetworkTV doubled its budget for original scripts and known American stars like Tatum O'Neal, the viewers failed to materialize. Replacing the novelas with cheapjack reality shows and trash sports didn't work, either. In the end, about the only thing left standing was pro wrestling. Not surprisingly, WWE Smackdown will remain on the air even as the network behind fades into memory.

Don Larsen's perfect game airs on the new MLB Network

Hey, just because it's New Year's Day doesn't mean there's nothing but football on TV Thursday. There's baseball, too. The new MLB Network goes on the air at 6 p.m. Eastern time Thursday, and an hour later you'll get a chance to watch one of the most-discussed and least-watched baseball baseball games of the past 53 years: Don Larsen's perfect game in the 1956 World Series.

That 2-0 Yankee victory over the Dodgers hasn't been seen on television since Oct. 8, 1956, the day it was played. The MLB Network found the original film negative and restored it with new digital technology. Not only will you get the original play-by-play with Mel Allen and Vin Scully, but new commentary from Larsen and his catch Yogi Berra. And if you're watching on TiVo, replay that second-inning liner by Jackie Robinson over and over (as fans in 1956 could not; instant-replay technology wasn't unveiled in the United States for another seven years) and argue amongst yourselves whether Gil McDougald really threw him out.

Word of warning for modern baseball fans: Nobody gets busted for steroids during the course of this game, no owner threatens to move his team unless he gets a free stadium from taxpayers, and the only strikes are the ones Larsen throws -- there's not an agent or labor-union official in sight. It's just...well, baseball.

Play ball? The Major League Baseball Network is ready to debut

Does anybody still watch baseball? We may find out soon. The new cable Major League Baseball Network goes on the air Jan. 1 and already has exclusive rights to 26 Thursday-night baseball games. Let's see whether that kicks up the same fuss as the NFL Network's attempt to telecast some football games did last year. (Even Congress threatened to get involved.) Better yet, Broadcasting & Cable reports that the Major League Baseball Network has plans to obtain exclusive coverage of some playoff games down the road a bit. Once upon a time, it would have been unthinkable for a playoff game to appear only a low-carriage cable channel. My guess now is that the only response will be a deafening silence.