Chalie Simon, accused ball-grabber

0224092assault1 Nineteen-year-old Colorado State University sophomore Chalie Simon, left, was arrested last weekend after squeezing her ex-boyfriend's testicles hard enough to warrant assault charges.

The 4 a.m. incident reportedly happened after Simon went over to Job Donker's apartment, angry at him for not texting her as he promised to do, and then finding out he had another woman in his bed.

Donker tried to get her to leave, but that's when the alleged ball-grabbing happened.

The Smoking Gun has the full story, along with the police report.

Man fondles blowup dolls at Publix

Doll Attention Publix shoppers: Pay no attention to the man in the parking lot having sex with blowup dolls in his car.

Police in Cape Coral say 51-year-old George Bartusek was charged with trespassing and disturbing the peace after being spotted "inappropriately touching" two sex dolls.  

One anonymous witness told reporters, "As I walk by I see this guy with two blowup dolls, kissing them and bouncing them."

Police confiscated the dolls, who may or may not resemble the one here.

And that's why you don't molest a raccoon

If you believe this story from the UK's Sun tabloid, a 44-year-old Russian man needs to have his penis surgically reattached after a raccoon ripped it off.

But don't feel too sorry for Alexander Kirilov. According to the paper, he was trying to rape the raccoon when he got his nipper nipped.


'Burn his penis so it belongs to me'

Heartonfirescreensaverscreenshot An Australian woman has been charged with murder after setting her husband's penis on fire, killing him.

Rajini Narayan, 44, allegedly got jealous after seeing her husband hug another woman. After her husband went to sleep, Narayan doused his genitals in alcohol and lit him on fire.

The blaze also caused about $700,000 worth of damage to their townhouse.

Police said Narayan told them: "I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else." 

This story takes last week's penis-biting several steps too far.

*Thanks to Lisa's lede list for the tip

Fla. woman jailed after biting hubby's penis

Let's get this out right off the bat: There is nothing funny about domestic violence or sexual abuse.

Now, let's talk about this story out of Deltona: A 27-year-old woman was arrested after biting her husband's penis because she didn't want to have sex with him.

Charris Bowers (click the link above for a pic) told police she and husband Delou came home from a bar Friday night when Delou took off his clothes and tried to force himself on her.

Charris says she bit her husband's penis to get him away from her. The responding police officer saw the private-part injuries, photographed them for evidence, and charged Charris with misdemeanor battery.

*Thanks to Crime Scene's own Jen for the tip. Feel better, partner.

'Just don't cut it off'

A (kinky) 73-year-old New York man had to have a piece of steel pipe surgically removed from his penis after an erotic session went awry.

The man's penis swelled up and turned purple, forcing him to the hospital, and forcing the perplexed hospital staff to call in reinforcements, according to the Times Herald-Record. They came in the form of firefighters armed with something called a pneumatic saw, alternately called "the wizzer" (seriously, it's in the article).

It took more than 90 minutes to chip away at the inch-long, quarter-inch-thick piece of steel. The man remained calmly nervous as the wizzer closed in on him, reportedly telling the firefighter, "Just don't cut it off."

No details from authorities on how the pipe got stuck, but they confirmed it happened during some sort of sexual encounter. 

*Thanks to Larry for the -- pun alert -- tip.

Killer chef cooks lover's leg

If British cooking was snubbed before, I can't imagine this story is going to help matters.

"A gay chef has murdered his lover, cut out part of his leg, seasoned it with herbs and fried it," The UK Daily Mail reported.

Chef Anthony Morley, 35, a one-time Mr. Gay UK, took a bite out of Damian Oldfield's (left, bottom) thigh before turning himself in to police.

Oldfield died from 20 stab wounds before Morley cooked and ate his leg.

The two had exchanged text messages ("Try me...I'm not your average poof," Oldfield wrote) and had drinks at a bar before going to Morley's Leeds apartment, police said.

Article107029002ea832f00000578192_2 Morley used two kitchen knives to stab Oldfield. Afterward, Morley told police he was acting in self-defense.

*Thanks to South Florida MenuPages blog for the tip.

I bet you would

1003081mugs4 Our Mug Shot of the Week comes courtesy of the ever-reliable Smoking Gun.

This guy (name unknown) is a convicted Florida sex offender who was picked up this week for failing to report to officials, as required by law.

Nice T-shirt, bud.

Spankin' sergeant slapped with sex charges

Maroney Sgt. Tom Maroney (left) of the Ocoee Police Department in Central Florida has been charged with sexual battery and false imprisonment after he drunkenly beat a woman at an off-duty party.

The woman claimed Maroney, 35, pulled down her pants and spanked her about a dozen times, and then he removed his belt and whipped her with that another half-dozen times, the Orlando Sentinel reports.

"Nothing was consensual," the woman's attorney told the newspaper. "He brutalized her. He violated the public trust."

The incident at Monday's party happened after Maroney performed some card tricks and then told his alleged victim she owed him because he won their bets. In 2004, a Ocoee police intern complained to supervisors that Maroney bet her on a card trick and then tried to collect by spanking her. He was given a written warning at the time. 

Sex convict/lotto winner gives back to kids

Jun1908topous_2 Fred Topous Jr. (left) is a Michigan factory worker whose Mega Millions lottery ticket matched all six numbers to win last week's $56 million jackpot. 

He's also a convicted sex offender who served prison time and was released from parole in October 2006.

Topous pleaded guilty in 1999 to a charge of assault with intent to penetrate. The victim, a 13-year-old girl, was the daughter of his boss at the time (Topous was 35 then, 45 now). She claimed she and Topous had consensual sex after drinking alcohol. (The Grand Rapids Press has more details on the case.)

Topous, who bought his winning ticket at Party World, where he's a regular customer, opted for a lump-sum payment of $34 million. He told lottery officials he would use the money to buy his family a house and send his kids to college.

"I want to enjoy a little bit of life," Topous said. "We're plain folks. We've struggled all our lives. Now I don't have to wait until Friday to get groceries or put gas in the truck."

What do you think about this -- rags-to-riches success tale or an example of a good thing happening to a bad person?

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