PHILADELPHIA -- So now the Russians are involved. Yes! According to rumors circulating here — and if we can’t trust circulating rumors, what can we trust? — it was the Russians who leaked the Democratic National Committee emails, because they wanted to embarrass Hillary Clinton. The theory is that the Russians are secretly supporting Donald Trump, as evidenced by the following evidence:
▪ “Ivanka” sounds kind of Russian.
▪ Vladimir Putin has been wearing a baseball cap that says “Make America Great Again.”
In an effort to end the email controversy, the DNC has ritually banished Debbie Wasserman Schultz to a Motel 6 in southern Delaware, but supporters of Bernie Sanders are still outraged. Granted, Sanders supporters are always outraged, but now they’re REALLY outraged, to the point where convention organizers have equipped the podium at the Wells Fargo Center with a Unity Water Cannon.
All of this is of course wonderful news for the 15,000 of us media people here, because we were expecting a hideously boring convention where we would be reduced to doing feature stories about cheesesteaks. Rest assured that we will do everything we can to flog this email controversy to its logical conclusion, which ideally from a journalism standpoint would be global thermonuclear war.
Don’t thank us: We’re just doing our job.