How to survive a hostile workplace

A friend works for a woman who has made her work life difficult. Rather than bringing any concerns directly to my friend, the woman goes above her and complains to their boss. The boss then scolds my friend. This has happened repeatedly and my friend now wants to leave her job, convinced the woman is a backstabber.

I suspect there are other people who have been in a similar scenario. People skills seem to be diminishing and more employees are complaining about toxic co-workers and bosses.

Let's say that you find yourself in an unpleasant workplace situation like my friend wondering...what's the best way to handle a workplace bully or office backstabber? A Fast Company article titled,  5 Common Workplace Bullies and How to Deal with Them, may help. As the article points out, sometimes, you have to keep detailed notes of someone's behavior. Other times the best way to survive is to find another supervisor or leader in the company who can intervene on your behalf.

I asked workplace culture expert Jerry Acuff, founder of Delta Point in Scottsdale, Arizona, for his thoughts on how to handle workplace conflicts, office backstabbers and toxic co-workers. He had some helpful suggestions.

1. Try to build a  better relationship with the backstabber or the co-workers causing you grief. It may be painful to do, but Acuff says you might say something like..."We don't  have the relationship I wish we did and I'd like to change that."

2. Have a courageous conversation. If you have made the decision that improving your relationship is not possible, have a courageous conversation. "Make it clear you will not be treated like that," Jerry says.

3. Build relationships with company leaders, people in positions of authority. "Sometimes that means taking on assignments that are important to senior level people, such as chairing the company United Way campaign," Jerry says. "You have to try to insulate yourself from the idiots and backstabbers. 

4. Address the issue head on. Jerry says confront the person causing the conflict and turn the tables. You could ask something such as... "Why did you put me in that situation? I can't imagine you would want someone to do that to you."

5. Consult a mentor. "You will always find people looking to get ahead, or people who got ahead and don't have training. "If someone is putting you in a bad light in your workplace, you may have to face it head on and figure out the best way to do that.  That's where a mentor is valuable," Jerry said.

I asked Jerry if he thinks you can tame an office backstabber. It's a question I have been pondering for years as workers in various professions complain about toxic people their workplaces.

"I think you can at times, but it depends on how evil the person is," Jerry said.  "Trust is rare. I  am not saying be skeptical, but rather be real."

If it is not one person who is toxic, but rather the workplace itself, you may feel comforted in knowing many others feel that way, too. A new study of 3,066 workers by the Rand Corp., Harvard Medical School and the University of California, Los Angeles, found many Americans feel their workplace is grueling, stressful and surprisingly hostile.

The Associated Press reported the findings earlier this week and summed up the study's bullet points:

Among the findings:

— Nearly one in five workers — a share the study calls "disturbingly high" — say they face a hostile or threatening environment at work, which can include sexual harassment and bullying. Workers who have to face customers endure a disproportionate share of abuse.

 — Nearly 55 percent say they face "unpleasant and potentially hazardous" conditions.

— Nearly three quarters say they spend at least a fourth of their time on the job in "intense or repetitive physical" labor. "I was surprised at how physically demanding jobs were," says lead author Nicole Maestas, a Harvard Medical School economist.

— Telecommuting is rare: 78 percent say they are required to be present in their workplace during working hours.

— Only 38 percent say their jobs offer good prospects for advancement. And the older they get, the less optimistic they become.

— About half say they work on their own time to meet the demands of their job.

I always enjoy hear from people who feel their co-workers are their second family. It makes going to work so much better. If you are someone who feels camaraderie with co-workers, consider yourself fortunate. If you aren't, it might be time to make a change.

 

 

 

When your co-worker takes vacation

In case you're keeping score, yes your co-worker just took two-weeks off and you're left to do his/her work. So what are you going to do about it?

You can easily become the person who stays late every night carrying a double workload. You can just as easily become the person who does only what's reasonable for your boss or clients to expect when you're a man down. 

Let's say you're the worker who wants to look like a team player and pick up the slack for your vacationing colleague. My advice is to proceed with caution. That's a dangerous road you're about to embark on. You want your clients to be understanding, your boss to think highly of you, your co-worker to cover for you when it's your turn to vacation. But, you don't want to be the go-to person who covers for everyone who takes a vacation. You certainly don't want to be the person who walks around the office resentful, snapping at anyone who dares to ask you a question because you're overwhelmed and overworked.

You may need to assess exactly what's expected. Is it just filling in for the person at a few meetings or handling all of their client calls. Is it short term, or could taking on someone else's responsibility for a few weeks lead to taking it on permanently. Yes, you definitely want to proceed with caution and have a conversation with your manager if necessary. Can that project wait for your co-worker to get back? Can you  

Now, there can be a positive for you. Summer can be a great time to put some energy in the work side of work life balance. Covering for a co-worker on vacation can help you get ahead by proving yourself.  Summer can also be ideal for pondering your desired future and trying out a role that interests you.

Most important, regardless of whether others take time off, don't be afraid to take your own vacation days. Even if you're the new guy or  have lots on your plate, you need time off to re-energize and the slower summer tend to be the perfect for it. Even if you don't go anywhere, or can't afford to travel, taking time off helps keep you positive.

According to Project Time Off, employees who take most or all of their vacation time each year perform better, are more productive and more satisfied in their jobs.

If you are the vacationing co-worker, think about how you can make life easier on others while you're gone. You might leave specific instructions about what you consider top priority and what can wait for your return. Taking vacation knowing you've done everything possible to help out co-workers left behind benefits everyone. Hopefully, your coworkers will show the same courtesy to you.

It's normal to worry what covering for a vacationing co-worker will do to your workload. Ask for notes, figure out what's reasonable and have a conversation with your manager ahead of time. With lots of people gearing up to take summer vacation, you don't want to be the sucker in the office stuck there until midnight.

 

What to give your boss for the holidays? Do you even need to give a gift?

 

                                           

 

 

Many people struggle with whether to get their boss  a holiday gift. I have been one of those people who has contemplated this dilemma many times. I don't want to look like a kiss up, but I also want to show a good boss that he or she makes my work life enjoyable.

I try to go with gifts that are a little personal, but not too personal. For many years, I had a manager I considered a friend. He and I spoke regularly about our kids, our jobs and our goals. He helped me to do the best work I was capable of by being supportive of work life balance. When it came time for the holidays, I knew he liked to cook and eat gourmet dishes so I gave him food-related gifts – unique cookbooks, homemade desserts, fun cooking tools. The gifts were always accompanied by a note.

When gift giving to a boss, I think the note is the important part. Some managers feel pressure from above -- all the time -- and appreciate someone on their staff acknowledging that they are good at their job. I've given small gifts like a fun mug with a handwritten short note like: "Happy Holidays! Thanks for being a great boss!" If you aren’t thrilled with your boss, you can tone it down and try to find one thing about him or her that you appreciate and acknowledge it in your holiday note.

Another option is to pool with your colleagues to get a group gift. The group present should be inexpensive but thoughtful. The easiest gifts are consumable or usable --  a food basket or tickets to a show or sporting event. If you have a particularly bad boss,  you still might consider contributing to the group gift to avoid things getting awkward and appear a team player.

Gifts to a boss or co-worker are not mandatory. I think the key is looking closely at the culture of your workplace and reading your boss. A reasonable manager would never penalize someone, even subtly, for not giving him or her a gift at the holidays. On the other hand, you might not have a reasonable manager. Contemplate your own situation, and proceed accordingly. (But know that etiquette is on your side if you choose not to give a gift.)

Also, be careful about getting creative. One year, a manager I know received  giant Buddha statue from his assistant. I guess she was trying to help him feel more zen.  She insisted her boss display it. “Now I’m stuck with it seeing it every day and it irritates me,” the manager told me. “My advice is don’t give your boss anything he has to display. If you miss the mark, a nice thing turns into resentment.”

 When he told me this, I asked him whether he thought his assistant even needed to get him a gift at all. His answer was "it's always nice to feel appreciated." However, I have asked other managers the same question and they have told me they don't want a gift and they don't plan to give their staff gifts.

What are your thoughts on giving a boss a gift? Has it ever made you uncomfortable to give or receive a gift at work? Is it more uncomfortable not to give a gift?

What you need to do at the office holiday party

 

                               

 

This weekend I am attending my husband's holiday office party. By now, I have been to enough holiday parties to know there are unwritten rules. So, I know to tread carefully. I also know that office holiday parties are important -- maybe more so than most people realize. If you are thinking of skipping your holiday party, don't do it. The boss knows exactly who was there and who wasn't.

Now, let's say you do go and you decide to make the most of your company's generosity. Do so cautiously. One year, my husband's co-worker made a big pig of himself by ordering two meals -- a giant steak and a full size lobster. I guess he figured it was the company's dime, but he came across as someone who would run an expense account up just for the heck of it. Not a good impression to leave on the boss.

Holiday office parties can be landmines for embarrassing behavior,  or they can be huge opportunities to impress the boss and strengthen relationships with co-workers. Here are a few tips from many years of navigating the office holiday party.

1. Eat something before you go. Take a nibble on something small but sufficient to soak up any alcohol you ingest quickly. (It's a good idea to pace yourself on the alcohol, too) I have been on the wrong side of this one so I speak from experience.

2. Dress appropriately. We all know what that means --  no sleazy outfits, no ratty shoes, no stained clothing. Ask ahead what people are wearing so you don't show up too overdressed or too casual. 

3. Mingle. It's easy to hang out with the people you already know well but this is great chance to get to know co-workers from other departments or managers who might be helpful in the future. Introduce yourself so you don't spend the whole night talking to someone who has no idea of your name.

4. Make conversation with your boss' significant other. You may not realize it, but significant others have a huge influence on your manager's perception of you. Making the extra effort to converse with his or her other half can help your career. When my husband considers raises, I can't tell you how many times I have pleaded someone's case, so again, I speak from experience.

5. Arrive timely. We joke around in South Florida that people are on "Miami time" but at a holiday party arriving late deprives you of the chance to hang out early in the night when people are most talkative and drinks are just beginning to flow. Even if you don't really want to attend, showing up on time and scooting out shortly after should be enough for people to remember you were there.

6. Be receptive. If someone kisses you on the check, don't stand there like a cold fish. If someone shakes your hand, look him or her in the eye and welcome the introduction. If someone pinches your tush or hugs you too long, that's another story. Let them know right away that you find it offensive. Using humor is a good way to do that.

7. Show appreciation. Before I leave, I always say thank you to the person who planned the event, and the person who paid for it.  Someone put in a great deal of effort hoping you would have a good time and someone spent money to make it happen. Even if you didn't have the best night of your life, not only is saying thank you the nice thing to do, but it also makes you stand out because most employees don't.  

Monster.com has some tips as well, including some advice for the party planner. 

My favorite part of the holiday party is seeing my colleagues dressed up and in a good mood. How about you -- do you love office holiday parties, or dread them?

 

 

Why is Showing Gratitude at Work So Tricky?

As you sit around on Thanksgiving saying what you're thankful for, will you save some of those thank yous for people at work?

Let’s face it, showing gratitude is rare in most workplaces. Even while there have been numerous studies on the positive relationship between gratitude and work engagement, the concept isn’t often embraced by the people in charge. When is the last time your boss said thank you?

Some bosses fear saying thank you to staff will weaken their authority, while others worry employees will take advantage of them if they show gratitude. There are also some managers who believe they already thank their staff by giving them a paying job, and some who will argue that because they don’t receive appreciation, there is no need to dole it out.

It is no surprise that people are less likely to feel or express gratitude at work than anyplace else, according to a 2012 survey of 2,000 Americans by the John Templeton Foundation. “It’s the habit that people bring to the workplace,” says Emiliana Simon-Thomas, science director at the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley. “They feel reluctant at work to say thank you but those bosses who do actually tend to be more respected.”

Clearly, creating a culture of gratitude can be tricky. For one corporate leader, finding the right approach was a learning process. When Criag Ceccanti, CEO of Pinot’s Palette (based in Houston; it has seven studios in Florida) gave his employees high-fives and thanked them often for their work building his paint and sip concept into a national franchise, the show of gratitude backfired: “They began not working as hard and not striving for the next level.”

 

Now he thanks employees during staff meetings, when they do something that deserves recognition. 

 

Dr. Jason Pirozzolo approaches gratitude at the office the way his mother taught him as a kid — through handwritten thank you notes to his employees for going above and beyond their routine job descriptions. 

It's not just bosses that can show gratitude. Thirty-year-old Jimmy Sinis says he thanks his co-workers when they put in extra effort on team projects. They do the same for him: “Because we have situations where it gets stressful, when we get to finish line together it’s gratifying. Saying thank you is part of the routine.” Sinis says if a co-worker pitches in to alleviate a few late nights, he reciprocates beyond verbal of gratitude: “I’ll say, let me take you to lunch, you really got me out of a jam.”

 

If someone deserves gratitude, Bob Preziosi, a professor of management at the H. Wayne Huizenga College of Business at Nova Southeastern University, believes saying thank you is best done publicly so that it is observed and can permeate the culture. However, Preziosi sees nothing wrong with employees giving the boss a push. “An employee may need to do a reversal and shoot a gratitude bomb at their boss,” he says. “Hopefully, their boss will pick up on it and respond.”

 

 

What are your thoughts on gratitude in the workplace? Do you want to be thanked for a job well done? Do you think a boss that shows too much gratitude is going to be stepped all over? 

 

REI's Work Life Balance Move Gets a Big Thumbs Up

I already loved shopping at REI and now I love the outdoor/sporting goods company's CEO. REI President and CEO Jerry Stritzke announced he will close its stores on Black Friday and give all of the company's 12,000 employees a paid day off to enjoy the beautiful outdoors. 

Wow! What an amazing idea! It's not only an endorsement for the products his company sells, it also says something about his commitment to work life balance.

While its online sales will remain open, no sales will be processed until the next day. There will be a message on the corporate website encouraging people to spend time outside.  With the hashtag #OptOutside, REI will ask people to share what they're doing on Black Friday on social media. REI is hoping to convince consumers to start a new Black Friday tradition, one that encourages relaxation and fitness over stress and consumerism.

"Any retailer that hears this will be startled by the idea," says REI President and CEO Jerry Stritzke, who admits he was apprehensive about closing at first. "As a co-op ... we define success a little differently. It's much broader than just money. How effectively do we get people outside?"

Jerry Stritzke is taking a big gamble by closing on one of the busiest shopping days of the year. But it's a gamble I think will pay off. Imagine the good will he is creating with employees and customers who understand the message he is sending. 

"Somebody has to be the one to kind of put their flag in the sand and say enough is enough,"  Brian Harrower, store manager at the REI in Bloomington, Minn.,told USA Today. "That's what #OptOutside is for us, is saying we're going to be the first, we think this doesn't make sense anymore, it's not healthy. And an outdoor life is a healthy life."

Of course, the idea of closing on Black Friday was enthusiastically embraced by REI employees.

Here is Stritzke on CBS News on why the company is closing its stores on Black Friday:

"There's more to be gained from brand identity and showing our values than the money we will make on that one day!" he said.

 

 

What do think of REI's announcement? Do you think other retailers should do the same thing?

Better boss, or pay raise?

                                              

 

One day, all three of my kids had the stomach flu. It was the same day I needed to turn in a article to appear in our Business Monday section. Being late would mean more work for my editor.But he didn't hesitate when I told him what was going on in my home. "Don't worry," he said. "Just do what you need to do at home." I ended up turning the story in on time. And, I think my editor knew I would. But having him say that to me made me appreciate where I worked and for whom I worked. 

We all know a boss can make or break your ability to balance work and family. He or she can also make or break whether you like your job. 

A new study produced by HR consulting firm Randstad U.S. shows that workers in the U.S. would trade salary increases for a better boss. More than a quarter of respondents (28%) to the survey said they would rather have a better boss manage them than have a $5,000 raise. 

Because most of us spend more of our valuable waking hours at work than anywhere else, having a boss who respects your life outside of work is worth more than $5,000 as far as I'm concerned.

Jim Link, chief HR officer for Randstad North America. "41% of employees don't believe their employees help them achieve work-life balance and 39% don't feel their managers encourage them to utilize vacation time. Therefore, bosses who proactively encourage workers to unplug, unwind and truly leave work behind to enjoy time off will be looked upon as workplace heroes."

Just last week a friend called me, exasperated. Her boss had called a mandatory staff meeting at 7:30 a.m. (An awful time for parents of young children) At the meeting, her boss rambled without a set agenda and no real point. "I love what I do but I can't take working for this woman anymore," my friend said. 

How do you deal with a horrible boss? How do you know when it's time to quit? For me, it's time when you absolutely dread going to work. Here are more Telltale Signs It's Time To Quit Your Job.

Yes, there are ways to handle a bad boss. As Forbes points out: "However fixed in their ways your boss may be, you can always learn ways to better manage him or her."  Of course, it is not easy and the process might not seem worth the effort.

So when you put it out there...better boss, or pay raise? I'd take the better boss. How about you?

 

Should your spouse come to the job interview too?

Have you noticed at the Academy Awards, all winners thank their spouses. It's the people you are married to who suffer the consequences of an all consuming job. 

Before taking a job, most of us discuss it with our spouses. We tend to look at what this position means for us and also for our spouse and family -- more money, less time at home, more travel, etc. When I saw an article about a trend toward more companies interviewing candidates' spouses before they take high level positions, it made sense to me. In fact, I applaud the move.

An article in Corporate Counsel says ThoughtSpot, (misspelled in an earlier version) a business intelligence company, invites a prospective employee's partner to meet with CEO Ajeet Singh in the final round of interviews. "I want spouses to know that we're not a company full of mercenaries that are going to bleed their families dry and not care about their life outside of work," Singh told Business Insider. 

While some lawyers advise against companies taking this approach, I think it's fabulous. The legal concern is that the candidate could claim discrimination if the spouses raises a concern and the applicant assumes the offending information was used in the final decision, thus opening a possible discrimination claim. 

Yes, that's a risk. However, when you're hiring someone and you have the buy-in of a spouse, you've already alleviated some of the tension that can interfere with job satisfaction. Americans today are working long hours. We're getting calls from work long after we've returned home. We're checking our email at the dinner table. There are so many ways work interferes with our home lives. So, if you're going to call my husband during dinner, at least tell me the benefits of the job so I can see past the infringement it makes on my home life. 

Recently, board members of a non profit organization were complaining to me. They hired a CEO and expected his wife to be involved, too. In the last year, she's come to very few of the organization's events. She has made it clear, she sees her participation as unnecessary. Had the board interviewed her along with her spouse, they would have known her position upfront.

When your spouse is going through a job search, you are emotionally attached to the outcome. It is much better for your relationship to have someone outside your home coaching him or her through the process. But when the search comes to the point where someone is seriously considering a position, I see it as a win-win for all to air expectations during the interview process.

What are your thoughts? Do you think a spouse should be part of late-stage job interviews? 

More workers than ever are struggling with work life balance

                                                 

 

Today, I spoke with a female executive while she walked through the streets of New York on her way to a business meeting. I could hear the horns honking and the street sounds as she explained to me it was the only time she could fit the conversation into her busy day. As it was, she explained, she was already going to have to work late into the evening.  

It's no wonder that more than a third of 9,700 workers surveyed by tax and professional services firm Ernst & Young say managing work life balance has become more difficult in the last five years. Here is how and why people are struggling with work life balance:

People are working more. Around the world, about half of managers work more than 40 hours a week and four in 10 say their hours have increased in the last five years. I think that pretty clearly shows the traditional 40-hour workweek is becoming obsolete.

People are stressed. And as people work more and struggle with balance, they are not happy about it. The survey found dissatisfaction highest among white-collar workers in their 20s and 30s who are establishing families at the same time they are moving into management and other jobs that carry more responsibility.

People are struggling. These workers say their salary has not increased much, but their expenses and responsibilities at work have increased. That's making work life balance more difficult to achieve.

Here's a finding that might surprise you: U.S. men are more likely than women to change jobs or give up a promotion for work life balance reasons. Clearly, everyone is struggling with work life balance, not just women. 

People are suffering when they use flex schedules. Nearly one in 10 (9%) U.S. workers say they have "suffered a negative consequence as a result of having a flexible work schedule." That rate is higher for millennials, of which one in six (15%) reported either losing a job, being denied a promotion or raise, being assigned to less interesting or high profile assignments, or being publicly or privately reprimanded.

People are encountering work life hurdles. The biggest hurdles faced when U.S workers try to balance their personal and professional lives were: Getting enough sleep, handling more responsibility, finding time for me, finding time for family and friends and additional hours worked.

People are quitting their jobs. EY looked at the leading reasons full-time workers quit. The top five reasons were minimal wage growth, lack of opportunity to advance, excessive overtime hours, a work environment that does not encourage teamwork and a boss that doesn't allow you to work flexibly.

People are feeling the effects at home. The economy caused one in six (15%) full-time workers to get divorced or separated and almost one-sixth (13%) to delay getting a divorce. Nearly a quarter (23%) decided not to have additional children and more than one in five (21%) delayed having additional children.

So what exactly is it that employees believe will help them achieve work life balance? After competitive pay and benefits, employees want to work flexibly (formally or informally) and still be on track for a promotion. The want paid parental leave and they don't want excessive overtime.

Do you think some of those wants are doable? Will it make a difference when more millennials become bosses? 

 

 

(The Global Generations survey, EY’s second attempt to study generational issues in the workplace, was conducted in the U.S., Germany, Japan, China, Mexico, Brazil, India, and the U.K. In addition to international findings, 1,200 full-time U.S. workers were asked about major changes they have made, or would be willing to make, to better manage their work-life balance, paid parental leave, and couples’ work schedules by generation.)

 

Working parents: your boss may be judging you

(Katharine Zaleski)

If people don’t quit their jobs, they quit their boss. How do you become a boss that workers refuse to leave?

The answer looks obvious from recent online discussion: Refrain from judging employees with an outside life.

In an apology letter to working mothers that set off a firestorm of online buzz, the president of an Internet startup gave a harsh account of how workers with family responsibilities are unfairly judged by their bosses.

As a manager at The Huffington Post and then The Washington Post in her mid-20s, Katharine Zaleski admits that she judged other mothers or said nothing while she saw others do the same.

“I secretly rolled my eyes at a mother who couldn’t make it to last-minute drinks with me and my team,” she wrote in a letter that appeared in Fortune. “I questioned her ‘commitment’ even though she arrived two hours earlier to work than me and my hungover colleagues the next day. I didn’t disagree when another female editor said we should hurry up and fire another woman before she ‘got pregnant.’

In a move that goes on in many workplaces, Zaleski said she scheduled last-minute meetings at 4:30 p.m. all of the time. “It didn’t dawn on me that parents might need to pick up their kids at daycare,” she said.

Zaleski said she didn’t realize how horrible she had been until she gave birth to her own daughter. She now runs PowerToFly, a company that matches women who want to work from home with jobs in the tech field.

We all know that Zaleski isn't the only boss who has harshly judged a working mother -- or father. It can be easy to dismiss a working parent as uncommitted, a worker with elder care responsibilities as distracted, or a younger employee who wants to train for a marathon as lacking work ethic. It can be easy to call super early morning or schedule evening dinners with clients that can happen during the regular workday.

But you don’t need to be in a person’s shoes to be a boss who creates a workplace where employees thrive. A good boss thinks about the bigger picture and realizes people have lives outside of work -- and that allowing them to do both well makes them more committed to their jobs!

I find myself offering encouragement almost weekly to a working mother or father who feels judged by a boss for asking for flex time or wanting to leave by 5 to make it to their son’s soccer game. Their most common complaint: my boss will penalize me.

A report from Bright Horizons Family Solutions, an employer benefit child-care and early education company, reveals many employees - male and female - feel they can’t be open with their boss about family obligations. As more fathers want to be equal partners in parenting, they still feel they can’t express that to their boss, especially non-parents. Bright Horizons found about a third of working dads have faked sick to be more involved with their family, and one in four have lied to meet a family obligation, according to the report.

That could change.

As millennials become managers, many do think differently about work/life needs. They want to be more involved in thier children's lives and may make it easier for thier staffers to balance work and family without being judged.

If you feel like your boss or co- worker is judging you for having a life outside of work, it might be time to speak up. Communicate your accomplishments and the ways you show your commitment to your job. It's unfortunate to think that some managers don't see the value that working parents bring to a workplace.

Have you felt judged by a manager for having personal responsibilities or interests outside of work? How did you handle it?